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Thanks, QB, and, that snicker she heard, might even be that unexplained voice... I thought it gave additional reason why Ms. Pal might decide they were both trouble.

 

If she thought that Annabel had been thinking of her when she dragged her out of the orientation, that might soothe her feelings of being made fun of, or perhaps make her realize that maybe Annabel hadn't made fun of her.  So, if you showed something like that, it doesn't seem too quick, although put together, you might get the sense that Marilyn does like to leap to conclusions and might be prone to false logic chains. Or she's really oversensitive in her relationships. (I find those two things often go hand in hand). Maybe they actually balance each other.

 

-Dacy

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@iynx I am enjoying Agent of Chaos thus far. Good build up.

Not sure if you are looking for constructive critique or not?

 

 

Edited by Christopher Robin
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I don't have anything new yet for Marilyn and Annabel, but I have been world-building. 🗺️

 

Here's a little sneak peek:

Kyonshi.thumb.PNG.cc3f7a93f489d4b22d8234623adb9664.PNG

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11 hours ago, QueenBethari said:

I don't have anything new yet for Marilyn and Annabel, but I have been world-building. 🗺️

 

Here's a little sneak peek:

Kyonshi.thumb.PNG.cc3f7a93f489d4b22d8234623adb9664.PNG

Serge's skinny nephew? 07K1tHnz_o.png

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Lemon Water

The "wellness space" didn't look like any school nurse's office Marilyn had ever seen. The waiting area had a soaring exposed ceiling, bare redbrick walls, and comfortable chairs.  As promised, there was a cooler filled with icy lemon water. Marilyn filled two paper cups. She handed one to Annabel, then sank into one of the chairs. Marilyn took a sip. "This is really good water," she said.

 

"I know, right?" Annabel replied. She drained her cup.


 

Sorry again for the really short section. I need to pick a direction for this scene to go, but my brain isn't cooperating with me today.

 

At least it's something, right? 

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Yes, it's a good something, QB!

 

Hey, if you're having problems writing the very next stuff, a trick I've heard of and used is writing some other scene. I know you have some in your head! Write what is clamoring at you now. Maybe you use it, and once it's there you can see how you get from here to there, or maybe you just use it as an exercise for writing, but it does help.

 

An example from my writing, (in a spoiler if you haven't read The Fight Begins...and if you haven't, you should!!)

Spoiler

I actually had written the bulk of my story when I realized...this isn't a story. It was a telling of origins, but it had no real plot (yet). I had no end game in mind! I needed a conflict, something more than just character conflict. So my mind went back to that object Trick was supposed to retrieve for Solomon. At that point, it wasn't specified, I don't think, or if it was, I hadn't done more than naming it in passing. I realized that if the COT wanted it, which had always been a constant, they had to want it for something. Instead of leaving that up in the air, I decided to flesh out what that "something" was. It had to be big...maybe not EndGame big, but imperiling the city, at least. Remembering several television shows I had watched when I was young, I went looking in South American/Mexico (because of the architecture in Oranbega) for odd things that had happened to cities, preferably suddenly and mysteriously. The city I named is what I found: an ancient metropolis that was heavily populated and then...suddenly wasn't. That was enough to spark the rest of the story. I had to go back and rewrite in several places so that it didn't come out of nowhere, but if I hadn't told  you that the story was mostly done before I got a plot for the climax, I hope you wouldn't have known it. 🙂

 

Just keep writing..🎶...just keep writing...🎶

 

-Dacy

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Thanks, @Dacy. This is a scene I've been wanting to write for a while. I'm really excited about it because it begins to show what's so special about Marilyn. (Honestly, I would have liked to add some more details about her background, but I wasn't sure where to put them.)

 

I hope you all enjoy. Constructive criticism is appreciated. ❤️


Pocket D

 

Annabel couldn't believe it. She was actually standing inside Pocket D. Entry had been easier than she anticipated. The bouncer hadn't asked for ID; she just waved them through with a warning not to start a fight. What did she mean by that? Annabel wondered. Do fights break out that often?

 

"Could you please tell me why we're here?" asked Marilyn, interrupting her friend's train of thought.

 

"Oh, right!" Annabel gasped. "I was going to tell you sooner, but I didn't want to spoil the surprise."

 

Marilyn rolled her eyes.

 

Annabel ignored her. "We are going to look for a real, un-alive vampire," Annabel said. As soon as those words were spoken, she spotted a group of college students with pale skin and black hair. She made a beeline towards them. She was so close to meeting an actual bloodsucker, she could taste it.

 

"What are you doing?" Marilyn hissed.

 

"Huh?" Annabel replied.

 

"Those aren't real vampires," her friend stated.

 

"Why? Because vampires aren't real?" 

 

"No, it's because I can see their rosy faces underneath that makeup."

 

Marilyn had to be joking, right? It wasn't like her friend to say something so...creepy. "Okay, then," Annabel laughed nervously, "Point out a real one."

 

Marilyn pointed to a man in a parka. He was sitting alone in a booth near the back of the club, nursing a cheap beer. A pair of ski goggles rested on his head. He had blond hair and the worst sunburn Annabel had ever seen.

 

"No, I'm serious," Annabel prodded. "You can stop kidding around now."

 

"So am I," Marilyn replied. "Can't you see the deathly paleness of his flesh, the hunger in his eyes, the bluish undertones?"

 

"Bluish undertones?! He he's redder than a blushing lobster!"

 

"Go up to the man and say the words, 'Greetings, Kindred,'" said Marilyn. "You'll see."

 

"Okay, I will!" Annabel replied. She marched towards the skier. She stopped right outside his booth. Worries of what she would do if her friend was right bubbled within her. Buck up, she told herself. If there was one thing she wouldn't let stop her, it was the consequences. She hopped on the seat opposite the sunburned man and said those fateful words: "Greetings, Kindred." To Annabel's astonishment, the sunburn faded from lobster red to a deathly bluish white. Annabel could see two sharp, pointy fangs as the man began to form his reply, "Greetings, K-"

 

Then he noticed who was sitting there. His face turned red again and he glared and glared - not at Annabel, but at Marilyn.

 

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Nice!

 

Couple small things. When Marilyn interrupts Annabel's train of thought, we've been seeing things from Annabel's pov, therefore, it's illogical to say "interrupting her friend's train of thought". It's like you switched primary pov's right there, but yet, the sentence after reaffirms we're still in Annabel's pov. You could say that Marilyn interrupted HER train of thought, her being Annabel. You might make this more clear by putting it first, like, "Annabel's train of thought was interrupted suddenly by her friend. 'What are we doing here?' Marilyn inquired, suspiciously. '" (adding detail to how she asked is almost always good!) 😉

 

And this is personal, but I am wanting a different word than "creepy" for Annabel to describe Marilyn's thought. First of all, it doesn't seem creepy to me, and I'd think Annabel would have an even higher standard for what's creepy...I think it's either perceptive, interesting, or inexplicable. Just my opinion.

 

Last, when the vampire "glared and glared", can we find a descriptor for how he glared, instead of just repeating the word, perhaps?

 

Really good! So intriguing! 😄

 

-Dacy

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18 minutes ago, Dacy said:

Nice!

 

Couple small things. When Marilyn interrupts Annabel's train of thought, we've been seeing things from Annabel's pov, therefore, it's illogical to say "interrupting her friend's train of thought". It's like you switched primary pov's right there, but yet, the sentence after reaffirms we're still in Annabel's pov. You could say that Marilyn interrupted HER train of thought, her being Annabel. You might make this more clear by putting it first, like, "Annabel's train of thought was interrupted suddenly by her friend. 'What are we doing here?' Marilyn inquired, suspiciously. '" (adding detail to how she asked is almost always good!) 😉

 

I'll have to look at that exchange again. That's what I meant, but sometimes it's hard to put it into words.

18 minutes ago, Dacy said:

And this is personal, but I am wanting a different word than "creepy" for Annabel to describe Marilyn's thought. First of all, it doesn't seem creepy to me, and I'd think Annabel would have an even higher standard for what's creepy...I think it's either perceptive, interesting, or inexplicable. Just my opinion.

 

Me, too. I wanted her to have a reaction of some kind. "Creepy" didn't feel like a good fit, but it was all I could think of. Thanks for the suggestions!

18 minutes ago, Dacy said:

Last, when the vampire "glared and glared", can we find a descriptor for how he glared, instead of just repeating the word, perhaps?

Good point. I try to avoid adverbs whenever I can, but maybe it's warranted here? Is there a stronger verb than "glare" I could use? Maybe glower or scowl?

Edited by QueenBethari
More Info!
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Wha...why would you avoid adverbs? What did they do to you?

 

Perhaps if you hate adverbs, well, do you have anything against adjectives? Make glare a noun, and describe it. (Use English complexity to your advantage! lol) Or describe his eyes.  Or both. Cold eyes narrowed, and he fixed a menacing glare on...not Annabel, but Marilyn! And no, I do not think glowered is a stronger verb. Glowered does connotate attitude, certainly, but not quite enough, imo. Scowl works better than glowered, but conveys more anger or irritation than menace, whereas glare could be many things; it doesn't give away as much as a scowl, and yet, can convey layers of meaning.

 

-Dacy

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On 12/4/2019 at 10:25 PM, Dacy said:

Wha...why would you avoid adverbs? What did they do to you?

 

Perhaps if you hate adverbs, well, do you have anything against adjectives? Make glare a noun, and describe it. (Use English complexity to your advantage! lol) Or describe his eyes.  Or both. Cold eyes narrowed, and he fixed a menacing glare on...not Annabel, but Marilyn! And no, I do not think glowered is a stronger verb. Glowered does connote attitude, certainly, but not quite enough, imo. Scowl works better than glowered, but conveys more anger or irritation than menace, whereas glare could be many things; it doesn't give away as much as a scowl, and yet, can convey layers of meaning.

 

-Dacy

Haha, I guess you're right. 😄

It's not that adverbs are bad, it's just that they can occasionally (look, an adverb!) get overused. I'm probably overly cautious. (OMG, I can't stop.)

...and since we've been talking about adverbs, I've got that song stuck in my head.


EDIT: I reworked some of the text. Changes (once again) are in green.

Spoiler

Pocket D

 

Annabel couldn't believe it. She was actually standing inside Pocket D. Entry had been easier than she anticipated. The bouncer hadn't asked for ID; she just waved them through with a warning not to start a fight. What did she mean by that? Annabel wondered. Do fights break out that often?

 

"Could you please tell me why we're here?" asked Marilyn.

 

"Oh, right!" Annabel gasped. "I was going to tell you sooner, but I didn't want to spoil the surprise."

 

Marilyn rolled her eyes.

 

Annabel ignored her. "We are going to look for a real, un-alive vampire," Annabel said. As soon as those words were spoken, she spotted a group of college students with pale skin and black hair. She made a beeline towards them. She was so close to meeting an actual bloodsucker, she could taste it.

 

"What are you doing?" Marilyn hissed.

 

"Huh?" Annabel replied.

 

"Those aren't real vampires," her friend stated.

 

"Why? Because vampires aren't real?" 

 

"No, it's because I can see their rosy faces underneath that makeup."

 

So that was how she could tell, Annabel thought. "Okay, then," she sighed, resisting the urge to check her own makeup. "Point out a real one."

 

Marilyn pointed to a man in a parka. He was sitting alone in a booth near the back of the club, nursing a cheap beer. A pair of ski goggles rested on his head. He had blond hair and the worst sunburn Annabel had ever seen.

 

"No, I'm serious," Annabel prodded. "You can stop kidding around now."

 

"So am I," Marilyn replied. "Can't you see the deathly paleness of his flesh, the hunger in his eyes, the bluish undertones?"

 

"Bluish undertones?! He he's redder than a blushing lobster!"

 

"Go up to the man and say the words, 'Greetings, Kindred,'" said Marilyn. "You'll see."

 

"Okay, I will!" Annabel replied. She marched towards the skier. She stopped right outside his booth. Worries of what she would do if her friend was right bubbled within her. Buck up, she told herself. If there was one thing she wouldn't let stop her, it was the consequences. She hopped on the seat opposite the sunburned man and said those fateful words: "Greetings, Kindred." To Annabel's astonishment, the sunburn faded from lobster red to a deathly bluish white. Annabel could see two sharp, pointy fangs as the man began to form his reply, "Greetings, K-"

 

Then the man noticed who was sitting there. His face became scarlet once more. His lips curled into a snarl as he glared - not at Annabel, but at Marilyn.

 

Edited by QueenBethari
I hope this is better :D
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Yes! I liked what you did with the glare section, and the POV is now consistent. 
 

I’m not as clear on the changes in the middle, with Annabel’s thoughts.  

4 hours ago, QueenBethari said:

So that was how she could tell, Annabel thought. "Okay, then," she sighed, resisting the urge to check her own makeup.

It sounds like Marilyn has been pointing out vampires, and Annabel hasn’t been clear on how she’s been doing it. And yet the text states that this is the first time that Annabel has met a vampire. In other words, it sounds like she just had suspicions confirmed, or confirmed the method, and then it doesn’t make sense that she would have to go on to validate how this is done. Also doesn’t make sense that when she does go on, since she now knows how Marilyn is doing it, that she would doubt when she does point out a vampire. And I don’t see a reason for her to want to check her makeup. 
 

However, if Annabel is incredulous that Marilyn could see under the makeup, all of the above makes sense. I could see her wanting Marilyn to prove it, and wondering whether or not Marilyn  could see under her own make up, or maybe wonder if there’s something she missed and this is possible to do, and still being doubtful that this is for real when she does point out the vampire.

 

Hopefully that made sense. 😊

 

-Dacy

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On 12/3/2019 at 10:33 AM, QueenBethari said:

Lemon Water

The "wellness space" didn't look like any school nurse's office Marilyn had ever seen. The waiting area was windowless, but potted palms, an exposed ceiling, and comfortable chairs made up for any perceived lack of cheeriness.  As promised, there was a cooler filled with icy lemon water. Marilyn filled two paper cups. She handed one to Annabel, then sank into one of the chairs. Marilyn took a sip. "This is really good water," she said.

 

"I know, right?" Annabel replied. She drained her cup.

 

The waiting room door clicked shut.

Lemon Water, Continued...

The girls were interrupted by a rhythmic, metallic sound. Clomp, clomp creak! Was it Marilyn's imagination, or was the sound getting louder? Clomp, clomp creak! 

"What is that?" whispered Marilyn.

"It sounds like my grandma's walker," Annabel replied with a shrug. Clomp, clomp creak! The noises grew louder still. Annabel crossed her arms and sighed. "I wish they would cut it out," she said in annoyance.

Marilyn nodded. Suddenly, the lights went out. A computer on the reception desk provided a tiny bit of illumination.

"If someone is trying to scare us, it isn't working," said Annabel. Her wide eyes and trembling knees, however, said that she was a little creeped out. The pair ducked beneath the desk - just in case.

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334 days to lockdown

broken mind

 

Proud was sitting on a sofa. It was a large, comfortable sofa that smelled new. In front of her was a new, large, curved screen television she had been staring since morning. In between the television and the sofa, there was a small table made of transparent materials. On that table, was an opened letter from a hero academy. Last night, when she took her medicine and fell asleep, it was so dark she didn’t bother to close window blinds. It would have been easy, the only thing she needed to do to make that happen was just to push a button on a wall. But now, since the windows had not been sealed from the sunlight, bright sunlight penetrated into the apartment Proud had rented -with a little help from her benefactor- and glowed back into her eyes from a pitch black screen of the television in front of her. She slowly realized she was staring her own reflection on the screen and lowered her eyes away from the reflection, fearing the reflection would notice her, recognize her and walk away.

 

Her eyes saw the opened letter from a hero academy and escaped elsewhere. She ended up staring at a wall, in an unnatural pose for her body. Her neck got sore, and she turned her head back at the table. And she saw the letter again.

 

She lost a moment. That happened a lot. Now she was holding the letter and reading it again, leaning on a pillar of a balcony and sipping a cold, ready-made breakfast smoothie from a carton can:

 

”...has been approved. You are welcome to join our academy...”

 

She closed her eyes and grimaced. Last night had not been just a dream. It was true: she had been approved to join a hero academy. A gust of wind took a hold of the letter, and stole it off her hand. She opened her eyes and saw that precious letter flying away from her, high in between buildings of Kings Row. If she still had all her powers, she could have flown after it, easily. But she could not fly anymore.

 

”...you need to promise me that, Proud. Call your new psychologist, I already talked with her on the phone, she will give you a try, it’s just you need to call her. You need to take initiative, Proud.”

”Yeah.”

”Proud, you really promise me you will call her?”

”...yeah.”

 

Proud walked back inside and inside her head, re-living the conversation she had had with her previous psychologist, Dr. Irina Fine. Proud had given her word to call the new psychologist in Paragon City, and she was going to keep her promise. Just... maybe not yet. Not today. She had also planned to go to the academy and register there, but not today, maybe tomorrow.

 

Maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

 

”Proud! Shadow! Clean your room!”

”Can’t mom! Shadow is still playing! We will clean it tomorrow!”

”You clean it now! Proud, teach Shadow to clean up after playing!”

”But mom-”

”Now, Proud! Do it now!”

 

Remembering the words of her mother in her head made Proud grimace. She gasped for breath and sat down on the sofa again, suddenly shivering, like she was in cold. She opened her eyes and saw her phone on the transparent table, in front of a television that had never, ever even been turned on.

 

”...do it now!”

 

She picked up her phone and almost dropped it. The number she had received was still stored in the memory of the phone.

 

”Now!”

 

She kept re-hearing the sound of a voice she could never hear in real anymore as she pushed the phone to call, and raised the phone on her ear.

It took awhile before the call connected. She could hear the line opening, but there was no answer.

 

Though, she had not said a word herself, either.

 

She lowered the phone away from her ear and looked at the screen. The number was there, with a name. And the line was open. Under the number and the name, there was a symbol of a red phone receiver. She moved her thumb on top of that symbol.

 

”No.”

 

The meaning of the word was negative, but the way she remembered hearing it was full of warmth and compassion. Proud lifted the phone back on her ear and opened her mouth:

 

”...hello?”

 

That was all she was able to say.

 

For a moment, there was only silence. That moment wasn’t long, but for Proud, it felt like an eternity. She could feel herself falling again. Spinning away from reality. Ruining yet another opportunity. Falling lower, and lower…until a friendly, assuring voice snapped her back into reality:

 

”Hi there. I am Dr. Kaireen Greene.”

 

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i keep it gangsta.

and why should i change that?

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QB: woo! Nice!! Now hurry and write more, I can’t stand the suspense! 😁

 

@iynx, wow. You have a fascinating way of revealing your character. Very evocative, I find myself being drawn in and wondering so much about this character!

 

-Dacy

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On 12/10/2019 at 1:52 PM, Dacy said:

QB: woo! Nice!! Now hurry and write more, I can’t stand the suspense! 😁

 

-Dacy

Thanks, @Dacy! I'm having trouble getting the words to come out today. I wrote an outline for the rest of the scene, though!

EDIT: My brain feels better now. It's like it needs to reboot at the worst possible times. 🙄

 

Edited by QueenBethari
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You'll get there!

 

Some questions in my mind, maybe they'll help spur something, maybe I'm just putting these out there:

Does Marilyn know or think she has any special abilities, or would she say she's ordinary, because that's ordinary to her?

Annabel made a lot of assumptions when she saw Marilyn. At what point might she start asking questions, because she was clearly so excited about where Marilyn is from? Or, what would need to happen to spur questions?

Is Marilyn the least little bit curious about Annabel? Like, why does she think she is a vampire, or why does she love vampires so much? I know I'm curious!

So far, there seem to have been quite a few supernatural occurrences around these girls...or perhaps just around Marilyn? If so, is she used to that? If not, why now?

This school, why are they there? Apparently they are not college age, so it must be a boarding school. Why this school? Or, if it's not the school, most kids don't go to boarding school, how is it these two wound up there? Is the school special in some way?

 

I can think of three main ways that characters are developed or their important qualities are revealed: through personal glimpses of thoughts, memories, desires, or reactions; through interactions with other characters, and through reactions in situations. I hope this helps a little! 🙂 Happy writing!

 

-Dacy

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