An Overly Long Title for A Moderately Long Introduction to A Not-As-Long-As-I wanted Post about Our Headcanon About Mcspazz
Hello Roleplayers! If you look closely, you may notice something strange about this McSpazz overly long post. Your mind is not playing tricks on you- this is NOT an Overly Long Post by McSpazz. Nay, this is an overly long post ABOUT McSpazz. I am not McSpazz. I am not related to McSpazz, nor have I received permission from McSpazz to post on his behalf or write about McSpazz. I have never played McSpazz on TV or the big screen, but if the opportunity ever arises, contact my agent Saul Rubenstein.
I am, however, the pre-eminent authority on McSpazz, having spent more time compiling this registry of headcanon on McSpazz than any sane person should dare try. I have stared into the abyss and am here to share with you my McSpazz headcanon. Note, to clarify: This is it is this author's McSpazz headcanon-- not to be confused with McSpazz's headcanon or the never-unlocked costume piece "Head Cannon" only available after completing the original Posi TF 100 times, although, if time permits, I this document may include this author’s headcanon on McSpazz’s headcanon regarding the Posi head cannon. Nevertheless this document has been thoroughly investigated via a whopping 30 minutes of googling- with safesearch OFF to assure thoroughness. Do not try this at home. It should thus be considered authoritative except where it conflicts with official sources of McSpazz lore*.
Some may ask: why would you spend so much time compiling such an overly long post about someone you only met on a gaming forum. To them we point to all the overly long lists that have come before: we have spent far, far more time than this reading, debating, agreeing, ruminating on, and repeating McSpazz posts, tangents, stories, and discussions. This is but the tip of the iceberg.
This is a living document. I invite all McSpazz’s purported friends, collaborators, fans and enemies to contribute their own headcanon regarding McSpazz so we may end this glorious first day of April with a truly magnificent document deserving of the Overly Long post. DISCLAIMERS
*Official sources of Mcspazz lore include forum posts, chat logs, drone surveillance, FBI surveillance records, DNA samples taken from McSpazz pocket lint, cash register receipts, and lottery stubs. McSpazz is not considered an official source of McSpazz lore.
**No animals were harmed by the creation of this document, but my cat claims that I was negligent in my scratchy duties while typing, and I would be remiss not noting his grievance.
**No houseplants were harmed either- they all died years ago.
No AI’s were harmed either. Two marginally self-aware nanites did have an unfortunate encounter with a Roomba while my attention was focused here, but such is life for the little buggers.
SECTION 1: An Overly Long List of Things You Don’t Need to Know About McSpazz
So now, we’ll start with a list about McSpazz Trivia. Is it ordered by importance? No. It is ordered by accuracy? Absolutely not, or the whole list would be at the bottom. Is it smart, insightful, and intriguing? You expect far too much for an April fools post. No, this is first and foremost the most important element in any McSpazz “Overly Long” post- it is a list.
McSpazz makes long posts.
Long posts? That's right! If you look around, you'll see some Overly Long Posts written by McSpazz. While unlike this one, these are helpful and based on the Intro to RP classes, they also give us something to use to tease McSpazzy. Are they, perhaps, OVERLY log? Given their content, most argue no. Could they even be longer? We know better than to challenge him.
McSpazz cannot be bought for 3 easy payments of $19.99 Have you ever sat up at 3 AM and just flipped through channels full of infomercials? Have you seen one for a Mail Order McSpazz? If you have, see your doctor immediately for a prescription increase or change your viewing habits. Some have claimed that they once offered to buy McSpazz for $20 and he gave back two fives and some change, but this is unverified hearsay. Besides, what goes on in Pocket D stays in Pocket D.
There is a McSpazz supergroup full of McSpazz poseur accounts. MacSpazz, McSpazzz, Mc Spazz, M C Spazz, McSpam, MacSpam, McSpazzy, McSpazzier, Spazzy McSpazpants, and OverlyLongMcSpaz. To date there hasn’t been a mothership raid comprised of a full league of McSpazz tribute characters, but we hold out hope.
McSpazz is good on toast. Dubious as it may sound- I know, I questioned it too, but I’ve found no evidence anywhere on the internet that would refute this claim. Every post I found (Edit: I found one: this one) claims McSpazz is, indeed good on toast. That’s 100% agreement, and you just can’t argue with such statistics.
Blue Steel once challenged McSpazz to a charity arm wrestling match. McSpazz got too caught up trying to edit one of Chase’s overly-long responses for inclusion in his overly-long posts and missed the match, but Blue Steel was so brought to tears by the sheer mass of said post that he forfeited the match. This remains Blue Steel’s sole loss.
How did McSpazz become McSpazz? There’s been rampant speculation online regarding McSpazz- where he came from, whether his ability to craft such overly long posts came naturally, through discipline and training, or as the result of coming from a planet that had suffered under intense moderation such that when he traveled to our world and faced the largely unmoderated forum, his wordcraft exploded in power and scope like none that came before him. Some say McSpazz took on the moniker after being bitten by a radioactive Happy Meals toy during the late 90’s. Others say that his quest to craft many worded posts arose after losing both parents to an illiterate troll in a darkened subreddit- determined to make illiteracy impossible by filling every corner of the world with words. Yet even more believe that McSpazz may in fact be a catgirl hiding her online presence using the unlikely guise of an author that can post an entire encyclopedia worth of information without ever uttering a single “nyan” or lolcatspeak. This researcher remains unconvinced, but leans toward believing that McSpazz’s power lies in their utterly magnificent Tiara and matching stiletto boots.
McSpazz is clearly Insane. I mean…really. Writing overly long posts is incredibly time-consuming. Despote this author’s best effort and TOTALLY NOT SOLICITING CONTRIBUTIONS FROM OTHERS, the author is exhausted and struggling for material with an article that’s barely half the size of many of McSpazz’s posts.
Section II: An Insufficiently Short Guide of How to Engage in Roleplay with McSpazz
An analysis of the ratios of word count in the roleplaying forum per user suggests that- if this correlates to the distribution of text in chat, the average user has a 90% chance of encountering McSpazz in any roleplaying session. With such odds, it pays to prepare. (For anyone wanting further information on these or other statistics in these posts, please hold on for McSpazz’s inevitable upcoming Overly Long Post On The Inaccurate and Unrealistic Use of Statistics in Roleplaying.)
There are only few mandatory requirements if you want to spark McSpazz’ engagement interest and mitigate the risk of OOC and/or IC conflict. The five most important health and safety requirements are briefly outlined below.
Character name: Here, McSpazz is mostly tolerant, as long as the name includes either “Nanite” or “Hacker” or advisably – if at all possible – some combination of the two. Illustratory examples from McSpazz’ own character roster include Captain Nanite, Nanite Mistress, Voodoo Hacker, and of course his main, Nanite Hacker Lord.
Character Concept: Again, the playing field is mostly open here, as long as the character concept is based on nanites and the supreme power and abilities offered thereby, and as long as the character is bestowed with limitless instant hacking abilities, such abilities possibly enabled by nanites. Importantly, the concept should not be based on any actual scientifically justifiable explanation or limitation other than the recognition that a nanite based character should obviously be universally capable of anything that the plot might directly or indirectly require (see power level below). Focusing again on the illustratory example of one of McSpazz’ main characters, Nanite Hacker Lord accidentally inhaled a quintet of nanite dust mites, and the nanites fused with his body and soul, giving him limitless power and ability, including the ability to instantly and tracelessly hack even the most secure (governmental or other) IT-systems or trans dimensional equivalents, and the ability to maintain a prolonged undetected presence there. Your character may have a differently angled nanite and hacker background, just as long as the character is able to immediately access any information relevant to any ongoing plot or interaction, including obviously the ability to draw IC on any OOC knowledge you as a player may have about other player characters.
Character Power Level: Character creation and execution should focus on unrestricted and all-encompassing power. How you achieve and explain this is subject only to the limitations of your own player imagination (just as your character’s IC abilities should be). Remember that the how’s and why’s of what your character can do are not important just as long as your character has actual or near godlike omnipotence, enabling the character to take centerstage and determine the outcome of any plot or IC conflict without the need to involve contributions from other player characters except for Nanite Hacker Lord or whichever other supremely empowered character McSpazz is currently playing.
Character flaws and weaknesses: Is it okay for my character to have flaws and weaknesses you may ask? The answer is yes and no. Your characters may be furnished with something that might technically be termed as a flaw or weakness as long as it doesn’t actually serve to limit your character’s omnipotent capabilities in any meaningful way. As an example, it is okay for a character to have the flaw of suffering mild unease in extreme heat as long as you are certain that the campaign takes place in a winter Arctic environment. If the setting is moved to a warmer environment, make sure your character is instantly able to hack into a global nanite information database reminding the character how they may use their nanites to remove any trace of heated discomfort so it doesn’t actually affect gameplay and your character’s abilities therein. If we lead by McSpazz’ own example, Nanite Hacker Lord has the potentially game breaking flaw of being vulnerable to intake of crystallized Manchurian wart hog droppings (which, if untreated, may cause brief phantom stomach upset to the character), but McSpazz cleverly compensates for the risks of such potentially character-breaking flaw by ensuring that Manchurian wart hogs don’t actually exist, except in dimension Epsilon-MWH-29877. Should an adventure take place in this dimension, any game affecting consequences of the weakness could of course be adjusted by clever application of nanite hacking abilities or by player recognition of McSpazz headcanon that Manchurian warthog stool instantly vaporizes upon contact with Epsilon-MWH-29877 ground and air, making the likelihood of encountering and ingesting a crystallized version thereof something the DM can handle without seriously compromising Nanite Hacker Lord’s ability to single-handedly resolve any conflict or issue arising from the storyline.
Character relationship to Lore characters: Your character should be closely related to at least a handful of prominent lore characters. Please note that e.g. an insignificant shared past or distant familial relation would not qualify; your character must be either a close relative or best friend of the lore character or otherwise have or have had significant impact on the lore character such as by having saved the lore character’s life on at least a half-dozen occasions. The lore character should preferably be indebted to and/or hopelessly in love with your character. If your character has a distant familial relation – nephew, niece or worse – it is obvious that your character must have a special “favored” relation and at least be sole beneficiary of the lore character’s last will and testament. To give you a better idea of what is required, Nanite Hacker Lord is the illegitimate third cousin twice removed from Lord Recluse and his sole will beneficiary, has had multiple tumultuous love affairs with Ghost Widow leaving her heartbroken and pining, has rescued Positron from life-threatening and embarrassing defeat on at least ten occasions, was Statesman’s best friend and secret half-brother pre-demise, and has five consecutive final wins over Tyrant in the annual Praetorian Open arm-wrestling competition.
Section III: A Thoroughly Complete Demonstration on the Perils of Setting Unachievable Goals While Facing Inflexible Deadlines
[Redacted. this will eventually appear as a sub-topic in a future McSpazz Overly Long Post about Procrastination]
And well, that's it folks. I now open this topic up to the community- share your McSpazz headcanon, thoughts and unsubstantiated rumors. Thank you for listening to my Public Service Announcement, and happy April 1st.
