When Two Worlds Work Together

[Dev7on]

Hey guys I made another story arc. Hopefully it's a little better after reading Kyksie's review. The custom enemies also have a bio. You won't get the bosses bios when you solo it so you might have to increase the team size if you're interested. 

 

Arc ID: 17213

 

Description: Vanessa DeVore and Countess Crey have teamed up and created a toy brand.

 

[Note: Some of the dialog is AE error itself. I kept trying to re-edit and fix the error but, it keeps going back to the way it was. I got frustrated and left it alone. Just a heads up so it won't throw you off guard. I don't want to lose points for that reason.] 

Edited February 29, 2020 by Dev7on

[Kyksie]

The first three missions are set to 20-54, but the last ones are 50-54. In order to see the aforementioned bosses, I set it to x4 and used Spider-Kitty again. "Meow," she said, slugging back a double Maker's Mark at the bar before heading off to the AE branch in Pocket D. (because, you know, she's a cat. cats meow a lot).

 

1) The contact, Mirror Spirit, tell me that Countess Crey has teamed up with Vanessa Devore to create animated toys powered by magic. It's a wacky premise, but it works well in a four color world. Spider-Kitty meows into a toy store and encounters the "Micronauts", who are human sized toys. There are at least a dozen, all with well written bios, although it gets weird in places. (the Night Widow toy is "perfect for feminists", huh???) The mission is a defeat all, but I'll forgive that because the map is small. Kitty finds sales receipts showing that sales have gone up 10%, oh no!

 

2) We need to stop the production, so Kitty busts into a warehouse and smashes some crates. Fifteen crates. We also get a story about how the Countess blackmails Manticore and sells his arrows or something.

 

3) The toys are powered by magic, so we need to get countermagic, which happen to be Animus Arcana. Also a bit about Black Scorpion.

 

4) Now we need to rescue the hostages who are being used to magically power the toys. There's ten of them, plus a clone of the player. "Meow", says Spider-Kitty as she puts down her feline counterpart. She's used to this by now.

 

5) Now to put an end to the foul scheme; Kitty meows onto a cargo ship, and clobbers Manticore, Scorpion, Vanessa and the Countess, and smashes fourteen crates.

 

This is a tough arc to rate. The premise is a great one, and it's executed well; the custom group is well made, with copiously written bios, and the varied powers make for fun fights. On the downside, the arc suffers from Objective Overload. Fifteen crates, then six spells, then ten hostages, then fourteen crates. That's too much; it shifts focus away from the storytelling and into tedium. Like, if you're reading a fanfic starring Spider-Kitty, Mynx and Bobcat, and it goes "Mynx meowed, then Spider-Kitty said 'meow', then Bobcat rolled over lazily and meowed, then Mynx meowed again, then..." People don't want to get bogged down in that, they want to read about Mynx and Bobcat... uh... doing stuff.

 

The biggest problem, however, is the spelling and grammar. It reads like a first draft that was never proofread. Seriously, there's at least one spelling error in every paragraph. Please, people give your stories at least one pass before submitting them for review. With half as many crates and a run through a spellchecker, When Two Worlds Work Together has the potential to be a winner.

Edited March 6, 2020 by Kyksie

[Dev7on]

6 hours ago, Kyksie said:

The biggest problem, however, is the spelling and grammar. It reads like a first draft that was never proofread. Seriously, there's at least one spelling error in every paragraph. Please, people give your stories at least one pass before submitting them for review. With half as many crates and a run through a spellchecker, When Two Worlds Work Together has the potential to be a winner.

Interesting. I downloaded Grammarly but, I'm not sure it works on online games. You clearly know spelling and grammar isn't my strongest. I have a learning disability with a 4th grade reading level. How do I improve my writing the next time I make a story?

[Kyksie]

AE files are saved locally as a textfile, run it through a spell checker.