Looking for Hero: Call of the Civilian - Arc ID: 59400

[Shadowcade]

It is amateurish, medium length, most likely full of typos and horrible grammar, and low level (1-14).

Written by an author who barely had a goal and expected something short. (Surprised it was declared medium)

 

Have fun, or be bored and unimpressed. 

 

This humble one is just happy to have focused enough to have published something in the Architect.

 

Please, by all means, back to your regularly scheduled gaming.

[cranebump]

• Spoiler

  M1: No typos I could find

  • Big box is missing search bar text.
  • I couldn't tell if the Box clue was a Mish End clue or not. If so, I'd make it a clue for collecting the box itself. You can say I found fliers, then, if you want, give my more clues about it after mish when I "read" them more carefully.
  • Defeat all usually not recommended, but this is a small map, so it works fine.
  • 2 question marks on mish end text. Only need one.

  M2:

  • Mish send off: typo on "something"
  • I like the use of ghouls here!
  • Several spelling errors on Fire burned, unless it's for effect. Victum, obays and it's (victim, obeys and its, respectively)
  • Bill's text has typo butat (should be but at).
  • Rikti pod typo (it's shold be its)
  • Your clues drop perfectly in the box. No rooting around.
  • Has a nice mystery going here.
  • I like low level arcs, so this is right up my alley.
  • Heh. Statesman's sweaty balls. Ookay, Mr.
  • Speaking of, who IS this guy, anyway? I'm working for a civilian. Sorta wish he was undercover or something, and got winged while investigating, and pressed me into service. Then I run into his partner (Johnson Johnson). Right now, I'm reporting back to him, but I'm not sure why.

  M3

  • Not your leg...funny. Hehehe
  • "Victum" again. (should be victim). But I DO like this as a toon name. I might steal that from you (as a future NPC).
  • On your clue involving Bill's talking. Put what he said in differently formatted text. I use yellow for NPC dialogue, but most anything will do here (bold face for instance).
  • Map is EMPTY. Not sure why. If it's just the boss, I'd find the smallest map you can, and send me there. 
  • I trashed the end boss. Froze 'em with ice, then hit them with taser from the devices set. ZZT! Bye!

   

  OVERALL:

  • Good bones!
  • Good map choices.
  • Excellent layout of clues.
  • A nice mish for a lowbie.

   

  TWEAKS:

  • Fix the typos.
  • Either make the end boss a bit tougher (if solo)*, OR: have a map full of transformed Hellions. The danger in the story is that these things get loose.
  • DEEPEN THE STORY: These are small things, but they could tie your arc into the greater world. So I suggest the following:
  • Your contact should probably be a reporter who's following a lead along with a detective (Johnson). The detective has been harping about something new going on with the Hellions, but the PPD is stretched thin. Perhaps set this in KR, considering level and your enemy group. KR is always beset by too many threats. Your reporter ends up as your liaison due to Johnson getting wounded and having to go back to the PPD (to question Bill?). Once you're in on the case, the PPD works with you, through the reporter. You end up being a hero in his front page story. The only reporter contact in KR I can think of is Juan Jimenez, but he's a photographer. However, since this guy works a blog, he could just be freelancing for his site. Again, these are just suggestions, and would demand some additional revision here and there (but not as much as you might think - put the reporter's info in the "About this contact" text. Then just have them lay out that they've been following a story, using a friendly detective (Johnson) as a contact. They get in over their heads, and hero comes by to save the day. Again, suggestions. 

   

  It's a good mish. Just clean it up a bit, deepen it, and maybe consider adding an additional mish. The CoT could certainly be the "actual" ones behind everything, since they're also into magic. If it IS set in KR, then you tap into this group, since they're in the Row, as well. Their motivation might be that they're tired of apprehending civilians, and, since the Hellions actually fiddle around with magic stuff, they get willing volunteers. But, then, maybe the whole thing doesn't work out the way they want, and they can't control the transformations (which COULD lead to working WITH the Circle to reverse the effects). Just suggestions, though. It's fine the way it is (barring the need for a bigger finale, feel [and typos]).:-)

   

  Keep it up!

  Crane

Edited February 4 by cranebump

[Shadowcade]

Thank you. I'll have to go over it later and consider some things. Does no good to work on it while I'm in and out of sleep.

 

Alright, Made some changes.

 

3rd mission has been altered. 

There is now a 4th mission.

I feel I'm gonna stop at the fourth mission.

The length has been upgraded to long. 

Changed the contact.

Ended up making a custom group. Mind you just a group and not characters.

 

Edited February 6 by Shadowcade
Did not want to double post.