As a former proofreader and editor, I would offer the critique that you should maintain a consistent tense. You’ve mixed past and present tense frequently, sometimes within the same sentence.
For me, and this is more a personal preference, I think more naturalistic dialogue would suit the characters better rather than the stilted melodramatic dialogue you’ve employed. But that’s a choice I’d make. The past/present tense thing, though, that impedes ease of reading.