An urgent matter for FBSA leadership

[chase]

Dear FBSA HR Department and/or  executive team.

 

I’m writing to share my deep concern over the situation I encountered at City Hall and the suffering endured by the great FBSA agents working there.  They toil, often thanklessly, day after day, often suffering indignity from things beyond their control- jokes about the security of magi vaults or that nasty DATA ransomware incident.   It sometimes seems like they toil through it all for one purpose- one piece of joy that comes just once a week.  

 

 I’m speaking, of course, of Donut Day at the FBSA lunchroom.

From my first day of court-mandated visits until now, I’ve witnessed the extra skip in the step of everyone in the courthouse that day.  I’ve even scheduled my weekly check-ins for this day so I can share in that excitement each afternoon when that “take only one” sign goes away and everyone’s free to clean up with seconds or thirds… the mad rush to the lunchroom leaves you convinced that there is just nothing that can stand in this team’s way.

 

So, imagine my dismay when I stopped by yesterday, only to wonder if I mis-stepped into some devouring earth autopsy room instead.   VEGGIE TRAYS have replaced DONUT DAYS?   I knew something was amiss the moment I entered city hall- the pallor in everyones’ faces had me convinced someone had died.   The sense of resignation was nearly overwhelming.   I get that some people have unique tastes, but how can anyone ever imagine that an organic tofu-based faux-cheese log, carrots, and celery sticks could compete with the rapturous joy of a double bacon-maple-bavarian-cream deluxe?  Who chooses decoratively-cut radish flowers over glazed strawberry-shortcake-filled goodness?   Even the simple-yet-glorious powdered sugar pastry cannot be compared to kale. 

How are they supposed to face the rest of the week?  Where has their joy gone?

I implore you, please bring back Donut Days before all of FBSA is reduced to a hollow husk of what it once was.   Don’t let the villains win.

 

Sincerely,
Tabby

 

P.S.  If donut days are truly gone, I respectfully request my appointments to be rescheduled to Pizza Delivery Day.   I’m usually around city hall on those days for unrelated business, so it would be no trouble at all.

Edited November 22, 2023 by chase

[jprewitt73]

RE: An urgent matter for FBSA leadership

 

Dear Tabby,

 

Hope this message finds you amid a thrilling day at City Hall!

 

I have received your colorful commentary on the recent switch from Donut Days to Veggie Trays, and I must say, your vivid descriptions brought a smile to my face.

 

The decision to break the longstanding tradition of Donut Days wasn't taken lightly. In addition to our ongoing quest for a healthier workplace, we recently discovered that our dear colleague, Matthew Habashy, has a sweet spot for sugar—literally! Apparently, Matthew is deathly allergic! Given his newfound intolerance, we thought it was time for a change. We hope you'll understand and forgive us for disrupting the sacred pastry equilibrium.

 

We get it; veggies replacing donuts might feel like a crime against joy. But fear not, we're on a mission to spice things up (metaphorically, of course). We're exploring diverse food options to cater to all tastes and preferences. Even Pizza Delivery Day isn't safe from our overhaul, and we'll be unveiling some healthier alternatives soon. Brace yourself for the excitement!

Your patience during this transition is highly appreciated. I value your input and assure you that your feedback is driving us to create a workplace where everyone can thrive (even without the double bacon-maple-bavarian-cream deluxe).

 

If you have more gems of wisdom or suggestions, feel free to drop me a line. I'm here to make City Hall a place where work and joy coexist harmoniously.

 

Cheers to a veggie-filled, sugar-free future!

 

Sincerely,

Diane McGivens
Director of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion

Federal Bureau for Super-powered Affairs

[High_Beam]

FM: Office of Personnel Management, Office of Inspector General

To: Diane McGivens, Director of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion, Federal Bureau for Super-powered Affairs

 

Subj: Notification of Investigation

 

This letter is to inform you that a formal grievance has been filed against you by an employee of the FBSA.  It is said employees claim that you referenced them in an E-Mail citing them as a reason for an unpopular change in agency policy and has resulted in their being continually harassed and ostracized by their co-workers as the "one to blame".

 

And while the OIG is responding to the individual harassment allegations separately, you have been identified as the catalyst of this harassment.  As a member of the FBSAs DEI group you should have exercised better judgement in your words.  As such the investigation will not only focus on this incident but on weather a pattern of inflammatory correspondence exists.

 

Until the resolution of this investigation you are hereby placed on administrative leave.

 

R/

OPM, OIG

 

cc: Office of Legal Counsel, OPM

cc: Office of the Inspector General, DoJ

 

[jprewitt73]

RE: Subject: Notification of Investigation

 

Hey,

 

Got your message about the formal grievance, and I have to say, I'm genuinely sorry for any mess my last email caused.

 

First things first, I didn't mean to make anyone feel singled out or stir up drama. The last thing I want is for someone to be hassled because of something I said.

 

So, about that email – I chatted with Matt Habashy, and he's cool with me mentioning his sugar allergy. Thought it'd help folks get why we're making some of these changes. I clearly goofed on how it landed.

 

I get the importance of being more mindful of what I say, especially with my DEI hat on. Lesson learned.

 

I'm all in for the investigation and will do whatever it takes to sort this out. Let me know what you need from me.

 

P.S. During my "administrative leave," I'll be sure that I don't bring any work issues when we meet up for our "team building exercises." Or am I not supposed to bring that up in a formal email? Should I still call you sir, or do you still prefer I call you by your pet name? Just kidding! Life at the FBSA is exciting enough without any soap opera plot twists. Let's keep the drama for our favorite superheroes and their villains shall we?

 

Stay super,

 

Diane McGivens
Director of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion
Federal Bureau for Super-powered Affairs

[High_Beam]

FM: [email protected]

 

Do Not Reply.  This is an Automated E-Mail.

 

Your Case Number is EO239178234000-TG20231121

 

To correspond regarding this case please submit an SM9 Ticket via the OPM OIG Service Desk citing the referenced Case Number where you will be placed in queue.  Average response time is 9-11 working days due to volume and the holidays.

 

Otherwise check out our FAQ for answers to the most commonly asked questions.

[High_Beam]

I was in the Navy for 20 years and 15 doing contract work for the gov.  I could do this fictional bureaucracy game all day long and twice on Thanksgiving. 🙂

[jprewitt73]

 

Subject: Important Reminder: No Room for Gossip and, Apparently, Secrets

 

Hey Team,

 

Hope this message finds you all in the midst of your super-powered shenanigans.

 

Just a friendly reminder (because we apparently need one) that spreading rumors isn't part of our job description. We're here to save the world, not to fuel the rumor mill.

 

Also, let's talk about email etiquette, shall we? Some emails aren't meant for everyone's eyes. Shocking, right? So, if you accidentally stumbled upon an email that wasn't addressed to you, it's not a golden ticket to share the juicy deets with the whole squad. Let's keep it professional, folks.

 

Now, I'd like to give a special shout-out to our good friends at the Office of Personnel Management and the Office of Inspector General. Thanks a bunch for the recent admin leave. Really, it's the break I never knew I needed. You guys rock! Now I guess all my evenings will be free from all of those pesky team-building exercises! 

 

Apologies to anyone inconvenienced by this reminder. Let's get back to being the superhero dream team we were meant to be.

 

Stay super,

Diane McGivens

Director of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion

Federal Bureau for Super-powered Affairs

[chase]

RE: RE: An urgent matter for FBSA leadership.

Um, thanks everyone.  I'm sorry to cause so much trouble.

There's no chance that Donut days will be reinstated during this administrative review is there? 

 Just askin.

And anyone know the range of this distro list?   I got a message from some Westin Phipps saying that even the Grandville soup kitchen has a weekly donut day and suggesting i come check it out.... not that I'd consider that... no need to bring it up with my caseworker or anything.   The 300 additional community service hours for that other infraction has me well aware of the limits of my provisional hero status.

Thanks,

Tabby

Edited November 22, 2023 by chase

[jprewitt73]

Subject: Re: RE: An urgent matter for FBSA leadership.

 

Hey Team,

 

Sorry about the confusion caused by my last message. It seems like some wires got crossed, and my bad for any chaos it stirred up.

 

As for Donut Days making a triumphant return during this "administrative review" (sounds thrilling, right?), I wouldn't bet my superhero cape on it. But hey, miracles happen.

 

Now, about the distro list – let's just say it's not quite as exclusive as the VIP section at a superhero gala. Apparently, even Westin Phipps is in on our riveting email threads. Fantastic. I'm sure I'll hear more about that when my "leave" is discussed. 

 

And Tabby, I'd steer clear of any donut temptations, especially with those additional community service hours looming. We wouldn't want your provisional hero status to slip through the cracks.

 

On a more serious note, it feels like this whole situation kicked off because someone from the Office of Personnel Management and Office of Inspector General might be feeling a bit uncertain about commitment. But of course, I wouldn't know anything about that. 

 

Keep it cool,

 

Diane McGivens

Director of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion

Federal Bureau for Super-powered Affairs

[Cyrickain13]

Diane,

 

We at M.A.G.I. support your choice to provide more nutritional snacks to the "Super-Powered" individuals of Paragon City. We at M.A.G.I. have spent countless hours cultivating natural, organic and cruelty free options for our offices at City Hall and look forward to sharing our insights with the less privileged and nutritional conscience individuals that frequent City Hall.

 

Our thoughts and prayers are with you during your administrative leave, but We at M.A.G.I. are doing all that we can to make sure such a forward thinking individual is the lead for the DEI team.

 

Your friends and supporters,

We at M.A.G.I.

 

 

[SquirrelWizard]

Subject: re: RE: RE: An urgent matter for FBSA leadership.

 

So doing my thing here, and I come across this. Let me get this straight...

You canceled Doughnut Days for Veggie Stick... Days? And you call me a villain?

 

I, figuratively, stand in solidarity for the doughnut-less office workers and heroes, even if the later might try and punch me.

 

Also, fix your firewall, I noticed at least five different weakpoints that I could exploit. you're making this too easy on me,
Data Crash

Edited February 3 by SquirrelWizard