[First time AE Mission Maker]

2 hours ago, cranebump said:

Final notes and verdict.

 

Let's start with strengths:

• Mechanically, you know what you're doing. Your objectives are straightforward, and easy to follow.
• Your Customs are excellent. Easy to get your ass handed to you if you aren't on your toes. Use of ambushes was judicious and caused some nice (nasty) surprises.
• Critter text is, by and large, excellent.
• By and large, the maps work with your intent. What mucks that up is having to defeat everything, all the time. In and of themselves, they're good choices (and finale map is excellent, imho).
• There's an interesting premise here, with various entities involved in the overarching plot.
• As @Zhym noted, good bones.

Now, to the work:

  Reveal hidden contents

• The STORY, hombre. The story is disconnected. Your main twist is there. Mother Vschone. Her son is behind everything. Why? I'm not sure. Hell, make that I have no idea. I don't know what the bad guy's motives are at all. I don't know why Crey is involved. Was Kraven a former Crey? Why is he so twisted? Why does Crey get the chemicals, then dump them? DId they develop them, and Kraven results, so it's We've got a Frankenstein's monster, so let's get rid of all this shit, pronto? If so, why aren't THEY after him? Why are they dumping the chemicals, when they wanted to destroy them? See what I'm getting at? MOTIVE.
• You introduce entities without backstories or clues. Who are Lojac and X-52? What is The Trust Fund? Why is there a Strike Force Alpha? It feels like there's a lot going on, but none of it is connected. So, while I find these entities intriguing from a wth IS this ?standpoint, I'm frustrated that it's just never explained in the slightest.

MY ADVICE:

• Develop your contact: Who are they? Why are THEY involved? Why do they need ME to get involved? 
• Develop your threats: Again, who are they, and what's their aim? Your bad guy has this plan that involves Vahz and Crey. Why? What's their connection to both? Did they steal tech/techniques from the two to accomplish their goals? If Crey is behind it, what's THEIR aim? Right now, it sounds like they want to wash their hands of it, and I'm the cleanup crew to a foulup on their end. IS this what happened? If so, would they formally reach out to me to solve it? 

The issues here are all involved with the answers to those questions. I'd suggest simplifying that aspect, if you don't want to deep-dive into dropping complicated bread crumbs and such. To wit:

 

Lojac is looking into this. He's part of some larger organization (Trust Fund, I assume). The Trust Fund is looking into the abductions (why isn't the PPD on it? or are they on it, and working with Trust Fund? do they even know about it?). After looking into the abductions, we discover someone is making use of Vahz-inspried (stolen) chemicals. It's developing Emblamanations. So, let's look into the chemicals.

 

Lo and behold, the chemicals are in possession of the Crey. But, it's not what they contracted for (or thought). The chemicals are (perhaps) turning Crey into Embalmanations (or Crey finds out they do this, so want to destroy the evidence). So, Crey is ancillary to the main plot. The perp used thier tech to create delivery systems, finish the produc, etc., and maybe wanted to release the stuff to eliminate their connection to Crey (maybe).

 

With this info, Trust Fund looks into Crey projects, discovers someone named Kraven. We get some info on who this is/was. Somewhere along the line, we find out something about his mother. Maybe mom was dying, and this whole thing was Kraven trying to cure here, and things took a turn and he went mad when he mutated. So now, it's Let's "cure" everyone, because these mutations make you immortal (albeit sludgified). 

 

We end up in the sewers because Kraven is planning on mass release of his "cure." In essense, we have a low-grade Doc Vahz, who perhaps was in the process of developing his "New Age" by using Kraven as a catspaw. 

 

LOTS of ways to go about this. But you have to figure out what the throughline is, and how all the parts work together. There's an internal logic to your story and the world in which it is set. For example, what's the connection between the Embalmanations and the Sludge? Does the former eventually become the latter? Or did Kraven just create these as bodyguards, using the stolen Vahz theories and science? 

 

If you truly want this to be excellent, you'll have to take the time to address all of it. When you do so, play upon your own strengths as a writer. On that, it's as simple as addressing the basic questions: X wants _______. They want it because __________.  However, _________ is in the way. Once _______ is out of the way, _______ happens. The Hero has to stop ______ from happening (or help _______ happen, depending on the story).

 

Tell the story. Give the player the info. Don't worry about walking the line between hiding the twists and turns. They'll likely figure out where you're going long before you get there. And that's okay. Players like to feel smart. They ARE smart. Smarter than me, most of the time (all the time?). It's okay to reward that. 

 

In the AE world, we're here to experience a cool story, with interesting characters (friendlies and enemies). Have we played your story before, in some other form? Yes. But so f***ing what? Half my own arcs have revenge-driven plots. But each story is different. Like the Hero's Journey template. Same basic structure, but we go back to it because human brings like to create and destroy their own monsters (or sometimes even be the monster). Originality isn't the point. Once you apply your words to any template or premise, it automatically IS original. Because there's only one you, my friend. And we want to hear your story. Take the time to tell it to us. I assure you, we'll be grateful.

 

Please keep at it. You've got some really cool cloth here. Let's get back to the bolt and weave it together.

 

Thanks for your time and effort, and best wishes,

Crane

 

 

@cranebump & @Zhym...

 

Thank both of you SO much for all the detailed feedback and support. I will definitely be retooling and revisiting the areas you detailed.

 

Part of my problem I think, is I wrote all this in basically one take without stopping to consider other drafts. I got excited with a new toy, and took of full bore before I was in the saddle. I will tug on the reins before I hit publish and move on in the future. Also, for a first ever attempt, I think I should have stuck to making one really good mission and wrote other chapters AFTER great feedback such as this. I'll pay that mind in missions to come.

 

Again...thank you both for the help. That was a lot of feedback made available for a newbie mission designer and that generosity is not lost on me.

 

I'll make a comment here when changes are made.

[First time AE Mission Maker]

22 hours ago, cranebump said:

Hey, @raven9864! Welcome to the pain!:-) 

 

Of course, I refer to the sweet, sweet pain of making the limited AE builder work wonders in spite of itself. I’ll give your arc a run Friday morning. 
 

little advice: don’t ever let random negative comments stick. Take good advice. View obstacles and flaws as temporary problems seeking (and having) a solution. When wrestling with the AE creator, follow the path of water-that is, don’t fixate on what it can’t so, but work with what it does do. 
 

Finally, and most importantly -steal. Steal every good idea you see. This ain’t rocket science. Tell a good story. Enjoy the process. Grow from the mistakes.

 

and, once again, welcome.

Thank you very much for the advice, and for giving it a try soon.

 

Paws

[First time AE Mission Maker]

Hi Everyone, 

 

I've made my first set of AE missions. Its a story arc set in a sci fi/Horror setting. Its not terribly elaborate, and not intended for farming in the way most people think. It's a 4 part story arc that relies on story and atmosphere for enjoyment rather than xp or INF.

 

I would really appreciate some folks checking it out and giving me some honest, BUT NOT MEAN, feedback. Please give ratings at the end of the mish, and feedback here if you like.

 

Its called "The Grave and the Old".

 

I hope you like it.

 

~Paws

[Base Contest Winners!]

Congratulations to all the finalists and winners.

 

Also, gratz to the judges for the effort put into making this happen for us. Their hard work makes us all winners every day!

 

 

[2023 Homecoming Base Contest (Rules & Entries thread)]

The screenshots posted give information important to understand the RP aspects/backstory of the base and its characters. Judges, please pay particular attention to the information given and keep it in mind when touring the base. Hint: Only two can keep a secret...

[2023 Homecoming Base Contest (Rules & Entries thread)]

I am replying to this thread as an entry into the base building contest for 2023.

 

SG Leader-Coinspinner. 

Global Handle of Owner-@blackpaws

(@blackpaws/Coinspinner is the sole member of SG and only contributing builder)

SG Name-The Trust Fund 

Shard-Everlasting

SG Passcode-TRUST4810

Catagory-Multipurpose Base under 7K items.

Names of Various SG Characters (5 x all owned by @blackpaws)-Coinspinner, Major Matt Mason, Wind Eagle, Blackpaws, Rook the Unforgiven

 

Screenshots of Coinspinner + Personal Info: