New Origin Arc (Looking for feedback)

[SanguineLeo]

Hello all. I'm a new AE writer and I'm looking for feedback on an origin story for my character Eleki. Please play my arc 54594 and let me know what you think. There is also a collaboration arc by another author, Aurethious, at number 54701 if you'd like to see more information.  Thank you in advance.

[TerroirNoir2]

14 hours ago, SanguineLeo said:

Hello all. I'm a new AE writer and I'm looking for feedback on an origin story for my character Eleki. Please play my arc 54594 and let me know what you think. There is also a collaboration arc by another author, Aurethious, at number 54701 if you'd like to see more information.  Thank you in advance.

Will have a look ASAP.

[cranebump]

I can take a look later this week, pending some additional tests and edits of my own stuff.

Edited March 21, 2023 by cranebump

[Kyksie]

The player is tasked by some dude to go all over the world and get him five pieces of armor that will make him godly or something. Five maps, five glowies, sometimes with a bossfight afterwards. Oh yeah, on one map, the boss spawned on the other side of the map from the triggering glowie. Don't do this.

 

There's nothing horribly wrong with this, but it's very bland and low effort. Sparse writing, a few spelling errors, no custom mobs, no minion barks, disjointed level range. We're never told exactly why the player decides to help, even on the one mission where you literally break into Manticore's mansion and steal from him.

[cranebump]

Whoa. A @Kyksie sighting. Feel honored. Kyks will make you better.

[SanguineLeo]

1 hour ago, Kyksie said:

The player is tasked by some dude to go all over the world and get him five pieces of armor that will make him godly or something. Five maps, five glowies, sometimes with a bossfight afterwards. Oh yeah, on one map, the boss spawned on the other side of the map from the triggering glowie. Don't do this.

 

There's nothing horribly wrong with this, but it's very bland and low effort. Sparse writing, a few spelling errors, no custom mobs, no minion barks, disjointed level range. We're never told exactly why the player decides to help, even on the one mission where you literally break into Manticore's mansion and steal from him.

How do I make it so that the boss spawns on the glowie after the glowie is clicked?

 

Where are the spelling errors? I'd like to know so I can fix them. And I tried to build on existing lore in the game rather than create custom mobs. The level range is to show the increase in difficulty of obtaining the items.  What is a mission bark? And I'll expand on the first mission's explanation that being a hero is the mission giver's dream.

 

Again, I'm a first time writer sorry for the questions.

Edited March 21, 2023 by SanguineLeo

[Kyksie]

Set the boss and the glowie to appear in the same zone. Unfortunately, a lot of the custom maps, like the Leviathan one, were designed only for one particular mission and are not coded with zones.

 

"Himalayas" is spelled wrong, there are a few others.

 

A mob bark is where the mobs shout "Oh no it's $name, run away!" It adds to the atmosphere and is a good way to deliver info without using clues. Not that there's anything wrong with clues, you just shouldn't only use them.

[cranebump]

3 hours ago, SanguineLeo said:

How do I make it so that the boss spawns on the glowie after the glowie is clicked?

The boss won’t always spawn right next to it, but putting them both in the same zone (front, middle, back) will keep the player in the same area to deal with both. If you want a boss to spawn after a glowie, you select the glowie as the trigger on the boss screen (where you select when it becomes active). If you want to keep the glowie and boss near each other, use a map with few objectives in the back (though most indoor maps have fewer in the back already). 
 

Keep watch over how many objective types you have, and where they go. If you overstock an area, the overflow will be sent elsewhere, and what you want to appear in one area may get shifted.

Edited March 22, 2023 by cranebump

[SanguineLeo]

1 minute ago, cranebump said:

The boss won’t always spawn right next to it, but putting them both in the same zone (front, middle, back) will keep the player in the same area to deal with both. If you want a boss to spawn after a glowie, you select the glowie as the trigger on the boss screen (where you select when it becomes active). If you want to keep the glowie and boss near each other, use a map with few objectives in the back (though most indoor maps have fewer in the back already). 
 

Keep watch over how many objective types you have, and where they go. If you overstock and area, the overflow will be sent elsewhere, and what you want to appear in one area may get shifted.

So I just verified that both are listed in the "Back" zones. It seems like the map may split the back into two areas.

[cranebump]

Did you check to see how many of each type are offered in each area? You’ll find thus when you pick the map (it’ll say for example “boss, destroy object, patrol, 1 front, 7 middle, 2 back”). There actually has to be an open slot in the zone to place anything there. So the map needs a slot in the back keyed for a boss to actually put a boss there. The number of glowies is broken down by wall or floor in the same manner. The number of collections does not affect the objectives. So if a back area has, say, “2 boss, patrol or destroy object” and 12 wall collections, I could stick 12 glowies there without affecting whether a boss shows up. But if I were to place 1 Destroy Object, then I could only place 1 other of the listed obj types before they’d get shifted somewhere else due to lack of room.

 

So, it you want a boss in the back, make sure your chosen map has boss slots in the back. And glowies.

 

Edited March 22, 2023 by cranebump

[SanguineLeo]

So I did a major rewrite of the introduction in the first mission to try to make the motvation for helping the NPC a bit more clear.

 

Verified that the 2nd map objectives spawn in the same area, as the map allows.

 

Adjusted the justification for the fourth mission to allow for vigilante/rogue behavior of a hero character.

 

Fixed any noticed typos.

 

Working on adding NPC chat barks.

[cranebump]

Okay, so gave it a run:

Spoiler

I'll focus on the technical stuff first:

 

Kudos:

Cleanly written. One typo I'll note is: Typo. Need an ‘ in “...pop em on.” (change to ‘em)

Nice variety of maps, setting-wise.

Straightforward objectives

Maps are big, and have lots of enemies to fight.

End boss conned yellow for my exemplared incarnate. He was a decent boss, but overmatched, since I dragged Eleki with me, just in case. I think he'll run fine for someone with different notariety settings.

 

Tweaks and suggestions:

Sameness to the mishes. "Find X," then "Defeat a single boss." Since this is a first time arc, it's probably a good idea to keep it simple. But it might be a bit too simple.

Eleki: I'd have him captured, so that the green energy field is easy to spot, or I'd have his captors casting or something so he's easier to find.

The Coralax map is a great map, but it always seems empty, no matter what you do with it. Might be better with a team, I dunno, but there's always one big, empty chamber.

 

Overall: It's technically competent, esp. if this is a first shot at it. Much more so than anything I tried early on. So, you have some tools to work with here.

 

Now, that said...it needs a story.

 

I realize it's a vanity piece (an origin story for a personal character, with a cameo by a friend's toon, if I'm not mistaken). If this is something you're doing for yourself and friends, it's fine as is. But if you want a stranger to latch onto it, then it needs some narrative work, to wit:

 

*First, and foremost: Motivation - Why am I helping Miles North? His rationale is "I want to to be a hero, so can you go get my gear?" Not only that, but "can you steal a piece from Manticore's mansion?" If I'm going to poke the arrow-shooting bear, I need a good reason. Further, based on what's revealed later (The CoT is after this stuff). why wouldn't I leave a piece with Manti? To me, that's your throughline: the CoT want this armor. They need to be stopped. Period. That's enough for me to hero up here.

 

*Second: the plot: If this is Miles's origin story, it's very passive. He's not doing anything at all. I'm basically his lackey (and why? I still don't know). From a narrative perspective, it'd be more interesting if Miles was going out after his armor pieces, and I somehow got dragged into tracking him down. This would require a different contact. Maybe flip it over: Manticore (or perhaps a magic contact) is on the trail of these artifacts, and that somehow leads me to hooking up with Miles. If it's an origin story, then perhaps the lad has bitten off more than he can chew. Maybe I help him out with a rescue, then a retrieval. Then he gears up, and we deal with the final threat together. That threat would have something to do with why the CoT want the armor. They're planning on using it for something else.

 

*Third: setting: Not sure why it needs to feature any globetrotting anywhere. We go to sub-Saharan Africa, but we face Igneous. They're Paragon perps. All of the bad guys are. Why not scatter the artifacts around Paragon City or the Rogue Isles? Then there's no expectation of running into anything exotic or unknown (I was looking for that when I was sent hither and yon). 

 

*Fourth: where's the twist?: We need a surprise in here somewhere. Doesn't have to be bog-standard treachery, but a turn of fortune, a tangential threat, having to bail out civilian X (maybe a reported who mucks up a mish because of the "great story" they're trailing). Something to throw things off balance a bit. I'm not recommending going crazy with ambushes or anything (been there as a designer, and mucked that up, I can tell you). But something that makes me go, Whoa...where did THAT come from? 

 

Overall: This is fine for a personal story to enjoy for yourself, or share with your buds. For public consumption, it needs a story overhaul. You'll also want those little details here and there for color and flavor (as @Kyksie mentioned, "barks" help, but beware how they spawn-they can fill up the chat box really quick). Spend a little time on the characters and their motivations: what do they want? (the good guys, and the bad). Follow the basic structure of __________ wants ___________, but ____________ is in the way. That's the basis for all stories. Make your hero feel like they've got to act, because consequences (actual ones that affect the world they're trying to protect [or, if they're not "heroic," how it affects their own interests]). Start with that, construct from there, testtestest, get some feedback, implement what makes sense.

 

In the end, this is your story. But, if you can also make it a part of my story (i.e., the player's), you'll get more positive reactions, and folks will appreciate it.

 

Thanks for all your work, and good luck. Keep writing!

 

Best wishes, and happy scripting,

Crane