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Year 1, Day Sasquatch.

Devil Bat gets Freaky (yet somehow remains FULLY CLOTHED)


Today we drop in our buddy Andrew Fiore in Talos (like, literally) [as in it really happened, rather than that stupid intensifier teenagers say when they mean "really," or "very," or "I don't have anything that fits what I'm saying, so I'm gonna say "literally" because all my friends do, and THEY know proper English usage] {shut up, Crane. YOU chose to become a teacher....like, you literally did, man.}


I am (literally NOT) the DUSK!...Hi, lamppost.


Drew is pretty straightforward:


Very well, then. FOR LOCKHART! (who's Lockhart?)



Oh...THAT Lockhart...Okey doke!


Off to Steel Canyon we go. Which, as always, begins with TRAM ROULETTE Here we go, round and round...annnnd:


...yep...every gd'ed time...


Switch trains, then take my version of the friendly skies:


Man, I LOVE Skyway Ci...er, this place...which is not even remotely the same. Even though I can never tell them apart when I'm doing Synapse, and I end up in one when I need the other (and all because I didn't pay ANY attention to Levar Burton back in the day).


Finally there, and in we go!  Can't WAIT to for a straight-up fight. Just armored dudes and guys that hit you. None of that stupid-a** mezzing, or end-draining, or...


Oh, yeah...stunners...okay. So, if I wanna avoid all that, I better scan this place for those weapons! I'll make use of some handy-dandy SUPER TECH to get the job done!


Hmmm...nothing here, and this place is HUGE!


Okay, so maybe magnifying the "looks suspiciously like a Yin TF map" was a bad idea. When I drop the BIN-465-Vision Enhancement Device, I see we got a pair of racks. After a brief bout of disappointment that these have nothing to do with the Rockettes, I confiscate the booty and move on.


By the way, first combat?


Yeah...it's a thing. And so is my "Hokey-Pockey" step:


That's enough of the sledge, brutha. 'Preciate cha.


Looks like my arrival is fortuitous:


Indeed. Exotic. Explains all the feathers and dimples on them. (is that crotchless underwear I see?)


Okay, we're putting a STOP to all this. RIGHT NOW!


Nobody puts Batty in a corner!


So, Freaks. Not only do they heal and sometimes get back up after a hard tickle. But they also take lessons from the Tsoo:


(sigh) Why so many, bro? Tired just lookin' at'cha.


Okay, front seat of the car is clear. I'll just stealth on over...




...or maybe not


Ugh...mez balls. I miss my Tsoo brothers.


Of course, we all know that the electricity, and getting back up, and the buzzsaws and stuff is not the REAL reason why Freaks suck. Not at all. 


It's THIS:


Teh Pone Noorzl? The Pawn Oryol? Tepid Winnow Norzel? Fo'...shizzle?


Well, this just CANNOT STAND!


Tk htah ouy fuawl bda yug! (damn, now, I'M doing it, but WORSE!)


So I take out Douche Nozzle, or Pan Fry, or whatever his name is, then hit up my bud, AF. GOOD NEWS! I not only stop the threat, but:


My COSTCO application is approved! Time to buy yam cans by the  dozen!


Now we go into full-on story arc mode (which, at first makes me giddy, because I think it's named after ME):


Hell, yeah, m**********r! I-




We head for the base, where our keenly placed network of dark tunnels will take us to Atlas for the next foray. However, once there, I run into a conundrum. 


Hmmmm...my vigilante training says not to leave the air compressor unguarded.


What to do, what to do? Let's get scientific!


Okay, so paper covers...um, nothing. Guess I can head out?


ASIDE: In case, you hadn't noticed, ol' DB here has remarked before about what's behind this infernal, eternal, UNENDING crime wave we have in PC. Well, once again, his wisdom holds true:


The demise of Radio Shack. (these guys have NOWHERE else to go for this sh*t)


Is what it is, man. I’ll deal with it. Either way, I'm feeling a bit thirsty. As luck would have it, I find this just inside the mission entrance:


(yeah, that's a perfectly good water dispenser there, but do I carry a paper cup? No. No room, what with my pool cue and protest signs).


Now 78.9% hydrated, I head in, and:


Whoa...what was in that coke I just drank?


Better check the equipment. Maybe it's all hyped up, too.


Okay. Looks like we're all good here. (sigh)


On the positive side, the Freaks seem more advanced in their bon mots:


A pop culture reference! Bravo! Here. Have one of these super cokes.


After I smash that Freak (while yelling POOR GOOSE!), I run into a bit of trouble. No, not the freakie deakies, but THESE guys:


Seriously, Mike & Ike. I know you're just trying to help by pushing me out the way, but this is really cramping my style. (I call this move “drunken cheetah diving in empty pool at frat party”).


Nevertheless, we continue our adventure in The Land of 4,000 crates:


Make that 4,001:



EVENTUALLY, after dodging all the pedestrians and such, I Bat-Smack the last of the Freekz and hit up 'Drew. 


Whoa...hmmm...they both sound so appetizing.


And so, with DB contemplating his options:


Personally, I think I can lift them BOTH.


...we fade out on this installment. But, we'll be back! And BATTIER THAN EVAR! Because guess what? I got an edge, this time:






Peace out! (for now)


Do I smell something burning...?


NOTE: I'm not sure why, but evidently I doubled up on the pics. And since deleting them means I might lose the originals, everyone gets extra beauty shots from the bygone days of this post (remember? from 6 minutes ago? I evidently don't so...here we are). 



Edited by cranebump
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Looking for SFMA content over multiple arcs? Search for the following under "cranebump."

LONG FORM: Ordinary People [3 parts] Investigation of a series of thefts leads you deep into a vengeful plot that threatens all of Paragon City. Will you and Kings Row's "ordinary" heroes be able to stop it? Leviathan [5 parts] The  assassination of a local politician with national aspirations sets off a media frenzy among everyone's favorite reactionary network, NewsAnon. Among their targets? You. Mobius [5 Parts]:  Visions of past, present, and possibility collide, as you and the Autumn Wards unravel the mystery of the 7-year time gap. The Cage Series [3 parts]: The Iron Widow is back! Or...is she? Your vigilante philosophy is put to the test in this tale of shifting loyalties and outright deceit.  The Bleed [3 parts]: Your investigation of arcane fissures in IP leads you to uncover a 100-year old secret shrouded in magic, blood, and betrayal. One Shots:  Of Guns and Asa Ronan; The Tenuous State of Grace; Garden of the Will; Gravity; The Book of Bond's; The Lost Girls; Injustice Systems; Wednesday’s Wyverns; Of ‘Dine and Men; Dark Legacy; Shadow and Silver

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Year 1, Day Regis Philbin (who knows HOW old that f*****r was, right).

Devil Bat and the Hand of IRON


To recap: Now that Andrew Fiore has offered us VIP access to the entire CostCo inventory, he has a pair of disparate stories for us: The Chameleon Suit and the Hand of Iron.


I know which one I’m going with…


Hand of iron baby! (hmmm…why didn’t that call down a lightning bolt?...oh, well…)


Our first mish is difficult. I am required to move with a PURPOSE!


…I hate having a purpose…


So, it’s a half-mile here, a half-milre there, here a half, there a half, etc., with my usual means of locomotion:


I’m RUN-NING, Jenn-ay!


Along the way, I find a location that shares its name with my bedroom:


As in “givin’ perps the SPANK DOWN!” (don’t know what YOU thought)


So we go here and there, and everything’s pretty cool. THEN they send me to the last phone box, which is right HERE:


Seriously…Who they gonna call? “Hey, Baron Zoria. What was that last incantation again? Thanks, bro.


After I smack some CoT and free poor Jill from the Green Orb of Death, I get word that Detective Rondel Jackson, our man undercover in the Freakshow, may be in trouble. Oh, my! I guess I should get right over there and…


…beat up…other guys not…even close to him…(sigh)


After a nice long swim across the Engrish Channel (which is the English Channel, but using a bad google translator), I trundle around Talos, having one of those senior moments where I suddenly forget where the hell things are in this zone. Eventually, I locate some suitable prospects, get my booty Boardwalked by a purple Hewer who decided to stop by, then head back out for Green pastures (as in everything Green or below, and carry a lotta Greens in case Hugh Errrrrr stops in again). NATURALLY, I find large groups of yellows. Noooo problem, After getting Juiced by one gang (I assume the juice is that “super Coke” I drank in a previous mission), I finally say to myself, “Self - where would YOU be if you were a Freak?”


Why, practicing with my garage band, of course?


Done, and done.For my pains I get:


Hmmm…Milk, Taters, 3-in-1 oil…that’s some weird names, man.


Since I can’t make sense of this, I take the dang thing to Detective Jackson (OOOOH! I am fo’ REEEEEL!). Before that, a stop by the base, where I find Builder Bob (aka @Etched) has my dank a** covered:


I’m not worthy!


We collect a little rent from (dis)Able Cain:


More bone dust…hooookay…


Base porter puts me right next to RJ, who’s happy to receive the list (but doesn’t explain why the Freaks need 300 heads of cabbage and 1 industrial spool of 18-gauge copper wire).


By the way, THIS is our inside man>:


Man…you look FREAKY! Sooo…plain…


Flush with pseudo success, I call up Andy Fiore.Surely, I’ve now proven that I can handle the TOUGH ONES< right? RIGHT?


But…no…”Talk to the guy you’re standing next to.”...okay…I…got this…


Doh! Our inside man IS “Hand of Iron.” Not Plain Ron. (reading is fundamental - it ruins the surprise) I have to go get him in Booms, Jackson sez. Of course, I’M “Hand of Iron,” too, right? What if I get confused?


After being informed that confusion is my natural state, I take off, reassured I can do no further harm to kith, kin, and…pumpkin (I suppose). I head back to base, wondering if Builder Bob has the hook up for me, since hoofing it is wearing out my “Bat Cycle” (aka, the soles of my shoes). After a quick round of Kashmir backwards, I am in the zone.


Dat’s a big zone, man.


We hover for a moment, just taking in the natural beauty of this place:




After a leisurely flight (with my eyes closed, to avoid the yuck), I find da door. Time to beat up on a boss and some cronies.


A welcoming committee…joy…


Further in:


Even MORE joy…


The usual Freak shenanigans (I’m dead! Psyche! I’m up!), and a burst of confidence when Jump Kick actually crits (for 92 damage! YAY!...oh…not much is it?), I make my way to the intersection of a 4-way, where I discover that KB empowerment I took:


…it sorta works…


Meandering and pummeling. The place is big. And stinky. I think about changing into my white togs, just to defy the turd-smell. Before I can, though, I locate someone who looks suspiciously like a boss. Why?


He’s got a great “Freezeek.” Heh-heh…(ahem)


Freezeek’s villainous monologuing sounds a bit come-hither:



But it ends up like all my dates - with someone writhing on the floor in shame, and looking like this:


Stay for breakfast?


After Big Chief (a**) Swiper goes down, we level up. Back to IP to see Rondel “All’s Not Well” Son of Jackie. We hit the base (thanks to that TP straight to base thing we got from standing next to the 50,000 volt electrified column in KR (don’t worry - it’s DC - you won’t stick).


After determining that Disabled Cain is not a hero trainer, I decide to hit Ronnie up before levelling up. Seems “Iron Hand” is in trouble in AP. FINALLY, I’m off to meet my namesake- after stopping by Ms. Lib and complimenting her on that sword she never uses.


Lo and behold: one of my powers lets me jump HIGHER! FASTER! SPRINGIER! SPONGIER! (but not too springy, bc Super Jump is scary). I didn’t realize that. Who cares if it’s just a temporary effect. This bum be jumpin’! (imperceptibly higher).


Things are looking up. I get to fight pseudo-Nazis!


Weak pseudo Nazis…


Fist > than foot, bro. This time anyway.


I find my guy WAY in the back, and lo and behold:


Wt-haydee ho? You’re a traitor! BASTARD! Now you’ve got me:


Seeing RED! Feel my vigilante edge, homeslice!


I warned you, bronnaise...


A few more P-Nazi’s waltz in. We give ‘em the heave-ho. Then. we’re done! I’m still breathing red steam when I contact my buddy Rondel. And Holey Moley!


There’s a Costco VIP room! SLAMMIN’!


But more importantly:


I get a special pair of Ray Bans, and a slew of delicious MERITS!



I am one wascawwy Bat.


Edited by cranebump
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Looking for SFMA content over multiple arcs? Search for the following under "cranebump."

LONG FORM: Ordinary People [3 parts] Investigation of a series of thefts leads you deep into a vengeful plot that threatens all of Paragon City. Will you and Kings Row's "ordinary" heroes be able to stop it? Leviathan [5 parts] The  assassination of a local politician with national aspirations sets off a media frenzy among everyone's favorite reactionary network, NewsAnon. Among their targets? You. Mobius [5 Parts]:  Visions of past, present, and possibility collide, as you and the Autumn Wards unravel the mystery of the 7-year time gap. The Cage Series [3 parts]: The Iron Widow is back! Or...is she? Your vigilante philosophy is put to the test in this tale of shifting loyalties and outright deceit.  The Bleed [3 parts]: Your investigation of arcane fissures in IP leads you to uncover a 100-year old secret shrouded in magic, blood, and betrayal. One Shots:  Of Guns and Asa Ronan; The Tenuous State of Grace; Garden of the Will; Gravity; The Book of Bond's; The Lost Girls; Injustice Systems; Wednesday’s Wyverns; Of ‘Dine and Men; Dark Legacy; Shadow and Silver

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  • 2 weeks later

Year 1, Day Pop Tart (x2.7)

Devil Bat Gets Viggy wid it (again)


This episode, we go trom Atlas Park to right up your street! ("street" in no way being a metaphor for an orifice, or band of pirates, or stuff like that, but rather a way to colorfully present...I forgot what I was going to say...)


It’s Vigilante (or Hero) time again. Why? Why not? (have we EVER had a reason for anything we've done, thus far?).


But, no. We really should have some sort of rationale (if not rations, the K type [blech!]). So,  if we must, then this:


See? I can get El RICH! (I think…)


But URG! My choices!


Destruction of people and property? Or extreme happiness in pursuit of self-satisfaction? Damn you, you Sophie’s Choice of Missions!


Much as I want to slap Desdemona's a** (er…metaphorically…), I feel I can’t let her blow stuff up and hurt innocents (and Hellions. They're misunderstood).






Hitch a ride, there, brutha? No? (sigh) OFF TO TALOS!


(sigh) A whole BUNCH of Talos…



Hey, truckster! Catch a…ride? Hmmmm….(sniffs armpits, checks breath) Guess he don’t like mint & lilac (in that order).


FYI: Talos is not exactly a walk in the park for me yet.


(pst) Dude in the green shirt…What’s your secret, man?  I can't even get close to these guys, and you're all, "Don't mind me. I'm wearing khakis."


I arrive on Gdisitfar Island. Dangerous place. I better be REALLY careful, ‘cause this far flung patch of cliffs and demon worshippers doesn’t have a random phone booth.  I take an arrow right in the patootie, just for passing by! (that was mean, bro...real mean...)


Once inside something like looks like an Oran (Oren?) Burger hideout, I am greeted by chanting. After confirming it is most definitely not Doo-Wah-Diddy-Diddy-Dum-Diddy-Dumber, I gird my flank steak to take on the Circle of Shizz (time to get MEZZED! Or FLOPPED! Or [insert some other annoying things these morons do]). 


But I’m ready this time! First we start with the ol’ shimmy shake:


There she was. Just-a walkin’ down the street, singin’-


-doo wah diddy, I am kickin’ your a**. (ow…arrows…pointy…ow…)


And the hits keep on rollin’:


Ah’m a SOULLLL (less) MAGE! (Dah-dah-dah, da-dat-da-dahhhhhh)


Of course, THEN I get cocky. And we all know what THAT means:



Gdit, Leroy…


My new Cosi Fan Tutti power may help with the mezzes and stuff, but all that dark spirit world angel dust is a real bear (a big one...like the one that got Grizzly Man [hmmm...STILL too soon?]. And it's especially a bear when you don’t turn all your toggles on. Or open your Temp Powers tab. Or play like a dumbass.


So. Round 2:


Yeah, we might wanna try the OTHER tunnel…


Fine, then! Round 3:


Try THIS on for size, you Spectral Suckahs!




Round 4:


It's not cheating if I really, really, enjoy it.


Needless to say, things go (a bit) better after that:



I even drag out Ol’ Betsy for the Coup de Gras:


This…is my BOOMSTICK!


In the end, the people are saved from almost certain temptation (er, destruction, I mean). But me? I need some a** salve. So, after our jaunt with Des’s destructive potentiality, I figure it’s time to slip back into the regular togs and visit the base, where, once again, @Etchedhas some surprises in store. Namely, I have a GD APARTMENT!


See that? That’s MY entryway, beyotches!  YEAHHHH, MUTHAF…er…{ahem} I mean


Welcome to DB Abbey. You may use the front entrance.


So, There’s a LOT of cool stuff to see. I mean it! LOTS. But before all that…


I’ve finally found you, kemosabe…


Ahhhhh…been holding that for 24 levels…

Okay, so LOTS of touches. I’ll highlight but a few, the ones that are truly “Batty.” Like here:


Plain ol’ office? Sure. But, of course, DB keeps a pair of binoculars handy (and a bottle of Jack, because, when you're window peeping from a distance, the less perspective on your actions, the better). Plus that fanboy poster! (sh…don’t tell anybody, but I think Manticore’s dreamy…that ain’t him? Okay, then THAT guy’s dreamy…somebody is…).


Think that’s kitschy? Not even close! Check out how I clip coupons:


Precision, ladies and gentlemen. Precision…


This is one of my favorites:


I can mix some guacamole in the mortar bowl while I tend to my server/stereo (as if I know where all these wires go). 


On the macro front, we got some nice, ocean front property we stole from the Council (no one bothered us about it, because who cares if Nazis fall prey to random eminent domain?). Which is cool, because no Casa Grande is complete without some views:




Yes! Views, baby!. Especially the view of THIS prominent landmark:


Man, if nothing else illustrates what goes on in my head, this certainly does.:-)


Yup…Really nice views of-




I need a plan! I know! I’ll enlist the aid of my trusty sidekick, Ralph:


That’s it boy! Sit up! Beg! Roll over!...GOOD JOB! (you have lots of teeth, Ralph. LOTS of teeth…I love you?)


Okay, Ralph is damn busy with those fleas (though I'm not sure why so many nest in his nether region, and why he has to chew around there so much). C'est la Testicules. I'll have to come up with something else to deal with my Ritkto neighbors.


Firepower. I need some firepower. But I don’t want to have to buy 65 steaks at Daddy Yin's Bizarre Bazaar just to get the free rocket launcher. Hmmmm… I wonder if Bob managed to sneak in some heavy equipment? 




I’d call that a ‘yes.’


So, we leave it there, for now, with the Bat experiencing decision paralysis because he has 57 ways to blow sh*t up.


Of course there’s always THIS reliable option:



For the last time, John, I am NOT throwing 16 pizzas at the Rikti! The "Flying Sausage Fest" maneuver just does not work!


Peace out, peoples. And thanks again to @Etched (and his toon, Builder Bob) for sprucing up the Bat Digs. We'll try to prove worthy of the effort (with "try" being the operative word).


Til next time, STAY BATTY!

Edited by cranebump

Looking for SFMA content over multiple arcs? Search for the following under "cranebump."

LONG FORM: Ordinary People [3 parts] Investigation of a series of thefts leads you deep into a vengeful plot that threatens all of Paragon City. Will you and Kings Row's "ordinary" heroes be able to stop it? Leviathan [5 parts] The  assassination of a local politician with national aspirations sets off a media frenzy among everyone's favorite reactionary network, NewsAnon. Among their targets? You. Mobius [5 Parts]:  Visions of past, present, and possibility collide, as you and the Autumn Wards unravel the mystery of the 7-year time gap. The Cage Series [3 parts]: The Iron Widow is back! Or...is she? Your vigilante philosophy is put to the test in this tale of shifting loyalties and outright deceit.  The Bleed [3 parts]: Your investigation of arcane fissures in IP leads you to uncover a 100-year old secret shrouded in magic, blood, and betrayal. One Shots:  Of Guns and Asa Ronan; The Tenuous State of Grace; Garden of the Will; Gravity; The Book of Bond's; The Lost Girls; Injustice Systems; Wednesday’s Wyverns; Of ‘Dine and Men; Dark Legacy; Shadow and Silver

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