I am Souls, and I hurt a lot of people

[Talonss]

         This will be long; I have a years' worth of a fire storm that I caused to confess to. This is mainly for all the friends that I had, that I pushed away, that I deceived, and lied to.  

 

          Over a year ago or so I found out that I had colon cancer, and was told that it did not look good, my father and his 3 brothers all ended up with this and they all died from it but one, the youngest is still alive, they caught his in time before it spread.   I stopped playing this game and went into a deep depression and pushed all my real-life friends away.  During this time my computer died on me, but at the time I could care less, I was dealing with actually getting out of bed to go work, and dealing with the Dr.  Doing easy things became a chore, some time passed, and I started thinking about my close friends that I came to know in real life through this game and chatting with them on other forums and decided to get another computer.

 

          I got it all hooked up; game downloaded, then realized I could not remember my login, now understand, I am in my 50's and in severe depress mode, it does not take much to hit screw it and give up on things, yes I could of prob done this, and done that,....I could have not done what I did....I wish I did not do what I did.

 

           I was pissed now, my main toon and my account was lost in my mind, and at the time I only had that one, I would have to start from scratch, and I hated it! While making the new account I was already in burn everything to the ground mode, I started thinking it would be best to just make a toon using the name I gave my niece that I played with on live, find someone who knew Souls (me) and tell them they passed away and to tell the other friends so at least they would know I just did not just up and leave them......At this time I did not want them having to deal with my problems or the cancer I thought would kill me over time, I did not want that for them.....But I was also in push away mode now, and I was there to watch it burn.....

 

          This is happening fast now, no time of thinking things through....I log on, I go into broadcast asking everyone that can see if they know Souls.......and my best friend is on and responds in a tell saying yes........I tell her I am Souls niece and that he passed away....it was fast to type that sentence and hit enter...but what I did not know or care at the time, is from that point on, after that last push of the button, there was no going back, it was done.

 

           She started asking me how, and when, and who I was, I missed her, so I answered her questions because I thought I could at least let her and my other friends know how much I cared for them before I leave this game for good, I thought I could just start another account and let them live on knowing that I cared for them and all will be ok........

 

            She asked me if I would stay around a bit to meet his friends, it would give me time to say my goodbyes, so I said yes...

Little did I know that the longer I stayed the better my depression got......spending time with them all was helping forget my problems, then it hit me like a truck when I came out of fire storm mode and realized the pain, I was causing them by my selfish need to say goodbye and staying around, so I

said my goodbye to my two closest friends and left the game as my niece, to stick to the plan to just make another account to just play until this cancer does me in or I beat it.

 

           I came back as Spells but over time as I got my life back into order, I so missed my two best friends and confessed everything to them and they forgave me for it.....but I never forgave myself and even though as months passed and with treatment, I was able to overcome the cancer (for now) I was spiraling down into depression again, My two best friends were there to help me yet again with this....but I learned the main reason I could not get my head together was because for a year I have been forcing my two best friends to be a friend to someone who could not act like themselves in game or others would know who I was.  I could not be myself...I could not be Souls, I have been playing with one arm behind my back and I could not talk to my friends the way I wanted to, because only two knew who I was, I wanted to tell others friends but you can't say your sorry for something like this....it's too big and I could not bring myself to face them.....Quick Kitten I am sooo sorry hun! I wanted too so bad!!! But the thought of you even kind of being hurt was to much for me to tell you, and Battles you deserved the truth too.....I screwed up big time, but could not stop running from this, it was too big, too much, I did everyone so wrong! Charlotte.......I could barely face you with that toon of yours you made even as my alt Spells, I wish I would have taken a moment before I hit that enter button to start this firestorm, to think, to realize what all I was going to do.

 

             So, I have lost all my friends, by not being able to be with them on a toon that they do not even know exists, I have lost my two best friends because you can't be a friend if you're pretending and acting like someone you're not.  I asked my best friends not to tell anyone about my terrible mistake when I confessed to them what I did, and at least they saved me some time to get my head right, to realize what I must do, and that is to stop running, stop hurting, stop refusing to forgive yourself, they forgave me but I never did and it made me lose everything, I lost them too.

 

            So today it's been a year I guess, I am tired....I am done running....I am tired of not being me.....If you see me in game feel free to throw your insults at me, I will only nod in agreement with you, believe me, I am a year of beating myself up ahead of you.  But as long as the tests come back negative when I go to see  if the cancer came back, I am still alive...so it's time Souls starts being as well.  I was finally able to recover the account. It's time I start being me again.

 

            I am sorry to everyone this effected. But to Goddess, and Little Lady, I will keep my promise to both of you, you both deserve a better friend than what I became.

  

        There are so many friends I could list in here that I hurt from this, but it's been a year, I am old, and in game names are a blur in my mind.

[Laucianna]

For what it is worth, I forgive you. And for the people I hurt in keeping the secret, I am sorry

[The Peacock]

/e forgive

Superheroes always come back from the dead.

[Nine Jewels]

SOULS!!!!!!!
I am SOOOOOO HAPPY you're still with us!!!

Don't worry about all that mental nonsense.

I missed you so much and am glad you're ok.

 

[StrawberryWitch]

I forgive ❤️

[Scutt]

I for one am thrilled you are still with us and look forward to further rounds of bantering

[BigGotter]

It's good to have you back

[Kelri Irris]

As I read your post, my heart went out to you. This is exactly the kind of thing I would do. After 30 years of marriage, I've found out that my SO has been keeping things about what he's been feeling secret - even from himself - and I feel like a right jackass for not knowing. I...fell apart. It woke up all kinds of issues from my past relationships with men (my father is a real prize that I can tell you about in DMs) and started associating them with what he was saying/doing as he poured out all his pent up rage at me. So, it's like I'm a whole new person, afraid to say anything to upset him and micro-managing myself to death. I tried to explain how I feel and now, he's angry that I feel that way. So, I spend a lot of time crying (and throwing up, having been sick for more than a month). 

I want you to know that I HEAR you. I understand this act and the first step in getting past it will be owning it - which is what you're doing and I applaud you for it! I hope this helps you get closure on this incident and know that you're forgiven and cared for. ❤️

 

[GM_GooglyMoogly]

Welcome backs Souls!!

 

Fuck Cancer!

 

[Mopery]

It's a hard lesson to learn, that honesty is the best policy, but you've taken this step and admitted your actions to those who were affected by them. It's never easy to ask forgiveness from others, but it can be far more difficult to forgive yourself. I know this all too well from my own life, sans details...

 

People may still be upset about what happened. I don't know as I've no part in any of it, but I guarantee that anyone who knew you from before, and thought you were dead, then found out that you weren't, will likely be ecstatic to know that you didn't actually die! Take it easy, and be sure to forgive yourself. Even if that may be the hardest thing for you to do, it's essential for your own mental health.

 

That's my two cents as I lurk around these forums, loitering while walking...

 

Welcome back!