Beware: DEVIL BAT!

[cranebump]

In between working on AE stuff, I decided to roll up this character, because...well, you'll see.

 

Experiments in Devil-Batting

 

So, i was creating characters for an AE arc. Basically a group of super heroes and vills from alternative timelines/Earths. Had this weird amalgam of Batman, Daredevil, and Moon Knight, who was nemesis of “Lex Fisk.” Decided I liked his costume, so I chose to run him, using the following parameters:

• Base Powersets: Street Justice/Ninjutsu (though I plan to flesh him out with pool powers; throwing stars woulda been nice, but Devil Bat is no stinkin’ blaster! [yet?])
• Normal contacts (Tech and Natural focus).
• Theme powers (with a dependence/focus on Pool powers that fit)
• Store-bought enhancements. No IOs.
• Can trade merits for cash to buy enhances/gadgets/devices (Taser, Grenades and so forth).
• Use “normal” transportation (though I did get himn Athletic run, jump pack, and will buy flight packs, as well, because he’s a gadget guy; and he has a “small base” [see below]).

 

Let’s start with pics, and bio:

Beware, evil-doers. I am the dusk!

 

BIO: Bruce Murdoch, blind since birth. Orphaned when his parents were slain in a senseless robbery. Taken in by the enigmatic, homeless tech genius, Tony Stick, he learned to turn his other senses into a lethal weapon. Now, after many years of training, and beget Stick’s small lab when the old man passed, he emerges as Paragon’s newest hero (or maybe vigilante - he can’t decide). By day, he devotes himself to paralegal duties for the struggling law firm, Pennyworth and Wayne. By night, he is the avenging angel of the moon, from which he is certain he draws (at least some of) his power. (There. That's muddled, yet obvious enough, isn't it?)

 

Since he has a “small lab,” I decided to give him a...small lab, with one portal to 3-4 zones. He’ll likely not need much storage. Will put in an empowerment station and likely a mediporter. Toying with the idea that, when he faceplants, he has to return to base (thanks to that special device he has secreted…somewhere in his colon, I assume).

 

So, with that in mind, here’s Bruce’s journey:

 

Devil Bat, Year...er, Day 1: 

A Bat Emerges (covered in the guano of heroism!)

Bruce is born! Er, or rather emerges in Atlas Park, where he hits up Rick Davies and takes on some clocks. After 2 missions I realize he has no base (even though I SAID he had a base [a small one...a lab, actually]).

 

So, he’s got to have a base (a small one; rinky-dinkish).

 

I am therefore off to register myself as a Super Group! (I’ll develop the alternate personalities to flesh the roster later).

 

Why quibble with titles? There’s only me. I am Omni-f'in BAT! (devil)

 

I start work on the base. Gonna be a quick one. I can’t spend too much time on this, anyway. I have to script AE mishes in my alternate guise as a normal human being close to retirement age (which is, really, trying not to do much that’s actually fruitful or productive).

 

BASE CONSTRUCTION COMPLETE! Well, that was quick. Empowerment station. Single TP to Atlas, Talos, IP and PI (like Ouro). Mission computer (‘cuz BAT!). Power generator. Mediporter with first aid kit and monitoring equipment. One salvage rack. The DC CAVE IS COMPLETE! BEWARE EVIL DOERS! (after a quick break to go fold clothes I forgot were in the dryer).:-)

 

I AM THE WASH! 

 

(to be continued)

 

Edited January 9, 2023 by cranebump

[TerroirNoir2]

 

[cranebump]

Yes, he is/does:-)

[cranebump]

Year 1, Day 2:

Looking Out for a Hero (or, if you can't find one, me)

Devil Bat stands next to a shiny thing and gets the Monitor Duty Badges! HURRAY! My base (that is only for me) suffered no encroachment during my short, but (non) violent tenure.

 

OFF TO BATNESS!

 

So, Rich Davies sez I must clear the whorehouse of Clockwork! 

 

What's that?...ah...the WAREhouse...okay...slight difference there, but...okay...

 

And I dunno who THIS guy is:

...but I take exception. Hard, firm, sturdy exception. (D.A.T.A. dork. You can't feel without your emotion chip, anyway, so...oh...not that guy...okey doke...ONWARD!)

 

FREE THE WHORES!...er, I mean TAKE THAT!

 

Reading...my eternal nemesis...

 

Dayam! There were white boards EVERYWHERE. all with weird scribblings in some esoteric language, all amounting to jack (reminds me of most faculty meetings I've attended...that was me. Crane. Devil Bat doesn't have his teaching license. Yet...probably never, because, well, the night life...).

 

So, DB defeats a "boss" (yellow and everything!), gets to level 3, then calls up Rick Davies again. I have one number in my phone, and his is it (sorry mom...I can't multitask). 

 

I go to the square to level up. It's a typically busy evening in Torchbearer, as you can see here:

 

I'm the only guy here, but Rick insists I report directly to him (I guess to prove I really do exist, and really did show up to get the other 2 missions I did for him [poor Rick...hashish]. I head inside and...

 

WHOA! There's someone else here!

I think I'll just...sorta walk on by...yep...

 

Rick's decided maybe I AM a hallucination, so he sends me to the Security Chief (who is evidently feeling insecure-ACTIVATE HUGS!).

 

Now that I have a little $$ from selling stuff (I said I could do that, remember? well, I'm saying so now). And LO AND BEHOLD- ANOTHER HERO!

Starting to think there's a reason there aren't many folks here...

 

Security Chief eschews my hugs. He'd rather I beat up 5 Hellions. I dutifully do so (while being introduced to sledgehammers in a manner not prescribed on the box). Thanks to getting my face rearranged, Rick allows me to call! He's got a line on a REALLY FEARSOME BOSS. And what is that boss's name pray tell?:

Yeah...okay, well...okay...

 

In addition to fidgeting with Widget, I also have to discover the cause of the Clockwork disturbance. Within short order, Widgie is in a ditchie, and I discover the sinister secret behind the Clocks activities:

Damn you, Radio Shack. Goddamn you all to hell...

 

Level up to 4, then ravel out the rest of Rick's stuff (Cull Clocks? Why not? Time has no meaning for me, anyway).

 

Patrol to L5, since Rick is out of mishes (and, I guess, hashish). Quick base visit to empower for an hour, and then I'm off to...where?

 

I'm thinking the dark, dingy, disgusting beautiful King's Row. 

 

Well, that worked out, because Rick sent me to Paula Dempsey (sorry I ignored you, Rick...telemarketers, right?).

 

Clockwork plot continues. This time, I get to take on Drillpress. I feel this could go really well! (or not). Since he's 10 gillion (aka .5) miles away, I jet pack it. Everything below is Red. Like the blood that will emerge from every orifice of mine if I land (some of my blood is evidently purple, as well). Eventually, we break up a Skulls/Clock convention, and end our second day at L6. Beating the crap out of these guys grants us the Negotiator badge (bc of course it does).

 

 

Edited December 7, 2022 by cranebump

[cranebump]

Year 1, day 3
Hard Knocks in the Land of Skimpy

 

DB gets sent on 2 hunt mishes, starting with Skulz. I get the bright idea of luring one of them into a squad of supposed friends:

Help...Um, hey, uh...HELP!...I said...HEY! Would you stop looking at my costume?

 

I get slapped around by Skulls but knock out 10. Then my new buddy Paula Dempsey sends me to get 10 Clockwork. After getting my own clock cleaned a couple times (once in mid flight running away {AAAAAAAAH! **KRUNCH**), I run over to talk to Vic Johans…Joyon…Yo, Johnson! to get a new mish. She sends me to find missing homeless people. Like I’m gonna somehow know where they are! (um…I do, actually).

 

Rescue, then off to Perez to take out Skulls and their ‘Dine. After which I have a little hunt for Thorns (10 of ‘em), and end the day at L8. I AM INVINCIBLE!

 

Power Notes and stuff:

Since DB is obviously not meant to be optimized, I'm asking for it. I pick up Infiltration and top it off with the Ninja Stealth power (called BunchasyllablesIforgot). After that? Dunno. I'm thinking experimentation for the dart and the vial, 'cuz that would be nice and lame. NOTE TO SELF: Buy more stun grenades. Mainly for yourself, so you can forget your failures.

 

Edited November 30, 2022 by cranebump

[cranebump]

Year 1, Day 4:

Say BAT! to Drugs

Off to End the drug war, or some such. Being a lowbie I spent a lot of time doing this:

 

as well as this:

 

and a bit of this:

 

Protecting those artifacts gets me to L9. After a bit of buffing at the ol' base, I head out to check on another skull shindiggery, and cull some lost (some of whom have fallen and they can't get up {yes...a TRUE hero takes out the Skulls beating them up so the hero can finish the job]).

 

And here's the windup...

..and there's the pitch!

 

So, we rattle Bone Rattler's bones, get some clues about 'dine (or dyne, or Dianne...who knows?) and report back in. Lead on another big ol' lab. As we make our way there:

Hmmm..what is the Fam doing in the Row. Better pass this along to Blue Steel...so he can have me come back and do his job (sigh).

 

This calls for prudence...I don't have prudence..I don't even have prunes.

 

I DO have a lot of grenades and plasmatic tasers, though,,

and a gun that doesn't work...

 

Nevertheless, we clean up that small mess, and get sent to Steel. 

 

Along the way:

That's 6 naughties in a row. I am evidently doing something VERY wrong.

 

After 2 more bouts of being naughty, I snag a Candy Cane refresher (ahhhh...sooo sugary). Willie Zucco has me going back to Peraz Park. Good memories...the ground tasted so sweet when those Thorns faceplanted back in the day (yes, 3 days ago was it?...ah, childhood).

 

By the way, when you have to hoof it:

You get this sort of thing...

 

Once I get there, one of my objectives is...puzzling...

I feel this guy could be my ally?

 

There's a reason the Skulls have problems with success:

Set the bomb, then stand next to it. Good job, guys...Why am I saving you from yourself? I really do not know.

 

No, man, I am NOT helping you up.

 

Oh, but I can...for I am...the DUSK...erm...yeah...

 

And so, with that, DB reaches L10. Do I select a power that makes sense? I do not. I decide I need to jump higher, farther, faster (but not too much, so Combat Jumping). Meanwhile, got things to do for Willie Z and possibly Wes S (Wesses?). 

 

POSTSCRIPT: Wilson Zucco (I guess I offended him by calling talking about his Willie...or lack thereof...the nickname, you see...right) sends me hither, but mostly yon. Thankfully, he gives me Hugo Redding's location (not digits, because we never call each other without at least one play date at a neutral site). Mish 1 sends me SPELUNKING! (BADGE! DINGDINGDINGDING!). I then bow to convention and visit the Winter Wonderland (because candy canes are tasty). I rescue a surprisingly swift and loquacious toddler from a really huge garden gnome. Hugo rewards me when I return by sending me on hunt mishes, because he can do that (so he does, the douche). All good, though. I reach L12, and FINALLY take a normal power (passive ranged defense - I've been getting my ass shot off - a LOT). Rest assured, however - I will NOT be doing anything that smart again for awhile!...maybe...who can say? (not me).

 

NEXT RUN: Friday, 16 DEC 22 - Year 1 CONTINUES (like a Mu'! [not mu, like "moo," but like a "muh," which is what I keep getting called by Paragon City's drivers. Hey - that middle stripe is there for SOMETHIN'!).

Edited December 16, 2022 by cranebump

[cranebump]

Year 1, Day 5 and a half...

A Bat-tastic Barrel of Danger 

 

It can be a lonely life in the big city. Especially if your name is:

Ma...they're STILL makin' fun o' me....Because SCHNABEL, that's why! What the hell IS a Schnabel anyway?

 

Since Wes is too busy with mom, he sends me to Karen Parker. Being the Karen that she is, she sends me to customer service for her, as in, I, too, have no missions for you, putz-o. So I hit up Tristan I have no wardrobe Caine, who wants me to save some surgeons from the Vahzilok:

 

I'll do so, my man. THEN we're going to Target.

 

Dropping in...like the DUSK! (so...sorta gradually getting there...as is my wont...or want...whatever, I'm COMIN'!).

 

So, in we go, and first thing:

See that? That's my health bar. After 1 fight. With 2 perps. That's right. TWO. Because Toxic=OWWWWWW! 

 

Hoo boy...this is gonna take some time, preparation and smarts.

 

I'm doomed...

 

So we manage to rescue one of the surgeons, and I get this:

Oh, my...suddenly feeling a bit uncomfortable?

 

Taking no chances now. FEEL MY TASER THINGY!

What the...MISS? And MISS? I...WHY? WHYWHYWHY?

 

We pummel them the ol' fashioned way, only to realize I do not have all my defensive toggles on. Why? Well, why not? It's serving us SO well (and I LIKE it when my health bar is anything other than green...evidently).

 

Drop off organ hunting doc, only to find that other doc:

...is NOT adhering to the Hippocratic Oath, gdit!

 

We knock this out, then proceed through the rest of Caine's mishes. Because today is the day we REALLY get a spanking (good...we've been naughty. The snowmen told us that).

 

We stumble upon the very bad, no good, horrible, Pollutant Plot. Of course, this doesn't keep us from stopping by for a short D&D campaign:

My God, Sneak Attack is OP...Back to Old School Essentials!

 

So rescue 7 hapless peeps. We make our way in and notice that the Vahz are some sort of football team. Here they are engaged in a pregame prayer:

Give us this day, our daily dead...

 

You n' me both, lady.

 

Seven hostages later, we've grown in power (i.e., levelled up). Tristan sends us deeper into the pollutant caper (once he's determined it has nothing to do with my delicate digestive system, combined with that burrito plate). I stop by Atlas to check in with my temp powers hookup (bc running out of grenades when you're not all that awesome is a bad thing, as I have found).

 

Then we go to fold laundry...Or rather Crane does, because HE has some sort of life (if you can call it that).:-)

 

Well, jigger my whammies (that's a saying, right?)-the towels need another half hour. So, I refill my Utility Belt (thank you tasers and such), and off I go!

It's the most. Wonderful tiiiiiime of the yearrrrrr (Unless. You are that guyyyyyy getting muuuuggged [in the UR corner while douche bag meeee is skating byyyyyyy).

 

Here, we find some old friends:

I'm only trying to HELP you, sir. These Vahz are dangerous...And no, that's not a gun. Is NOT!

 

Already the best date I been on in MONTHS!

 

Ahhhh...an old standby...

The death corner. We meet again. And I'm dumb as ever!

See?

 

Actually, that's kind of my standard health/stamina the whole mission with these guys. (Default stance=PANTPANT!)

 

Bit o' this and that, and finally:

 

Okay, I LOVE this mish. Because the barrels:

Hurt me AND...

...heal them (I SO want these in AE):-)

 

So Sutures turns out the be a rather...meaty (as in short and stout) Eid. I clear the room (after levelling again), and get 35 freakin merits! I'M RICH!

Edited December 17, 2022 by cranebump

[cranebump]

Year 1, Day 5.47892039782

Old buddies get pummeled

 

So Harry Wong (or Wang, or whatever is least appropriate) tells me I have to go take out Sutures! Even though I JUST took out Sutures. After determining this has nothing to do with any recent surgeries, I head in to find no one is bothering me. In fact, these guys think of me as a recruit!

Um...is there any OTHER way to get in the gang?

 

As there really, really isn't, I just pummel him, using my latest useless power!

That's Jump Kick, muthaf****! Or a kick-jump. Or a...well just eat it, bro.

 

Two boots to the head, and we've pleased Wang. Or Wong. Whatever tickles most.

 

Then I get summoned to breakfast, because it's the most important meal of the day. Even if you eat it at noon.

Edited January 9, 2023 by cranebump

[cranebump]

Year 1, Day 6 and some change

Face time with the Skulls

 

So we start our day in the usual location:

Well...at least the meals are always hot...

 

My contacts, Wong and Caine (aka Right and Wrong), both want me to get broasted by toxicity. I am only too happy to oblige (hence, my downfall, 'cuz SC Vahz suuuuuuuuuck at my current "security level" [which is decidedly insecure]). This if not unexpected, because, as we all know:

 

I head to the row, because I KNOW where to find Vahz there. That said:

Hmmmm...something is definitely up, and I don't mean my Vahzilok friend who's just taken up hurdles.

 

In short order, Wong and Wight (aka Caine) have nothing for me, so I FINALLY give into Shuana Stockwell's incessant nagging and take on some sort of Skulls thingy in The Row. 

Put down the can, citizen, before I kick you in the...um,..can...

 

I warned you!

Oh...hey, GOOD one, buddy. As a matter of fact, she...{ahem} NO, SHE DID NOT!

 

So this thingy is NOT about unauthorized wall art, as I come to find. 

Purses, perhaps?...No? (sigh) Okay...

 

Shakedown, breakdown, takedown? Everybody walks into the crowded light?...

 

So, none of those. And by the way:

This is just NEVER true.

 

Evidently, it's all about bad dental plans. So I make my pitch for a new provider by refitting Toothbreaker Jones's teeth, only to find out it's all about DRUGS! (GASP). I head off after the dude, after a brief discussion with this guy:

YOU'RE fiending? Lemme tell you about MY fiending. It's soo incredibly...um...fiendish.

 

See? Now THAT's fiendish! Amirightorwhat?

 

My appearance being unannounced, there are several vain attempts to identify my glorious personage:

The fuzz? What is this, a 70s cop film?...oh...it IS a 70s cop film...okay...

Go ahead, punk. Make my week...

 

I was speaking figuratively, bro. Put away the piece, now. Put it...You're going to hit me with it?

 

Skulls are dumb...

 

Or maybe not:

Ah. TWO guns. I'm doomed (pft).

 

For a moment, this looks easy:

One punch to my own face oughta do it.

 

But, no. It's these guys:

Figures. And here I am fighting with a bruise on my jaw.

 

Bit of grenade action, and then off to bust up some initiation ceremony. I think it's a sorority, but it matters not. I'll join anyone who asks, because I'm needy.

 

Then, again...

Well, you talk REALLY loud, for one thing.

 

As it turns out, beating up people gets you into the group!:

Thank you, thank you. It's GREAT to be part of the local 917. GO PLUMBERS!

 

The rest you know. I go to Anderson Construction, deconstruct my frat bro, Chernotoilet, and BOOM! Another security level!

After a few hiccups, of course.

 

And this really big belch, who forces me to use this guy:

Merry freakin' XMAS! (don't kill me...again...)

 

We take it in the face, but, in the end, Snow Beast is just too much for dark dude. I WIN (sorta...snow guy did most of the work).

 

Victory in hand (or pocket maybe), I take a break to get sutured (not Sutures...we've had enough of him), Of course, I must kiss the Don's ring, but it's a pleasure. Sort of..

Your hand is cold, bro.

Edited December 21, 2022 by cranebump

[cranebump]

Year 1, Day 7 and 13/16th's

Tales from the Underground FCC
 

After a "fiery" discussion with Veles (which we could not report due to all the sticky residue on our tongue from biting the concrete twice), we resume our batness, looking for work in Skyway, starting with Jake Montoya, who hangs out here:

I know he LOOKS real, Jake, but really, this guy ain't gonna keep the Trolls away.

 

No. Er…I mean…okay.

 

Jake's worried about a Troll "test of strength" contest causing a rampage in, I'm assuming, Skyway City, Because, y'know…lotsa Trolls here. So where does he send me?

Riiiiiiiight…

 

And once in, is it close by?

Noooooooooo.

 

AND we get caves! YES!

Always feels like I'm walking through the intestines of some very large creature.

 

Turns out this is (once again) ALL ABOUT DRUGS (gasp). I beat some arse here and there, destroy some Dine (or Dyne, or Dianne). Know what I find out about Trolls, by the way?

Don't turn your back! Not even for a second!

 

Also:

They don't float so well.

 

AND

 

They can also go full "ground hog" on you:

 

After taking out the last gopher (er, Troll), I decide to use my handy dandy base TP to shorten the distance (or to just change the scenery of my lengthy jaunts. Speaking of, here's the base:

 

No, seriously. That's it.

I don't even know what half this sh*t does, man. I think that's an AC up there.

 

By the way, I DID learn an honest-to-goodness useful power. Shimmy-Shimmy-Koko-Bop or some such. I'm not sure how it works, but I do this sort of Kung Fu thing and I feel refreshed. Personally, I think a small flask or maybe a little plastic water bottle spritzer would have the same effect, but they say I have to go full on "grasshopper." Wish I could show you the pose, but I empowered myself with invisibility (which means I'll probably get an escort mish next).

 

But no! I get lucky!

Story arc here I come! (was that too meta? I blame the invis).

 

15 Clocks comin up! I'll start with rooftops in KR.

Hmmmm…do I?

 

'Fraid not. Have to stop these creatures from their infernal recycling efforts. LEAVE THE TRASH ALONE, GENTS!

 

After saving the stack of wrecked cars from usefulness, I give Jake the brand new pile of crap metal made of Clocks. Jake uses the Power Source I took from 1 of them (or assembled from 15?) and sends me to an office. Thankfully, it's not to do taxes.

Bit of the ol' Right Hand of Doom (er, "dusk" that is)

 

Left hand of…lefthandedness (i.e. RAP POSE!)

 

Followed by kicking Bolts in the nuts:

Hi…

 

Jake studies a broadcast unit I've recovered (not Howard Stern, as it turns out). But of course he needs more stuff to look at, which means I now get to go to the sewers (well...payback for sending @TerroirNoir into all those AE sewer mishes of late [I feel your pain, and I will ignore it).:-) 

 

After a bit of Clock bashing:

What the f***? YOU guys?

 

Well we know what that means:

Ugh…toxic…we're breaking up, Vahz.

 

Naturally, it's Defeat All, so no sidestepping. I clear out a BUNCH of Vahziies. Like, a bunch. Then, thankfully, we're done. 

 

After that really sucky experience, Jake tells me there's a connection between the Vahz broadcast thing and the Clock broadcast thing. While he's talking, I get jumped by our clackety friends. Do I take care of it? No. Why?

Let the professionals handle it, I always say.

 

After that, a jaunt to AP to refill the devices. This time, a hefty stash of stuns grenades, because, well, I enjoy living. Plus, Crane has to let the cat in, because he's not happy unless he's going in and out from the 3-season porch into the house (and back...and in...and back...and..MAKE UP YOUR MIND, BRO!)

Edited December 22, 2022 by cranebump

[TerroirNoir2]

4 hours ago, cranebump said:

Jake studies a broadcast unit I've recovered (not Howard Stern, as it turns out). But of course he needs more stuff to look at, which means I now get to go to the sewers (well...payback for sending @TerroirNoir into all those AE sewer mishes of late [I feel your pain, and I will ignore it).:-) 

 

Liking Devil Bat's "journey".  He has the advantage on Engineria in being able to show a lot of open world stuff, as well.  And the Snow Beast?  Heh, if Engineria didn't have Buddy, and sometimes Marcus when it gets BAD, she'd be in a lot more pain.

Edited December 22, 2022 by TerroirNoir2

[Nyghtmaire]

11 minutes ago, cranebump said:

Followed by kicking Bolts in the nuts

I’ve really enjoyed going through this thread. But the quoted part is the best. My inner 10 year-old is in heaven!

[TerroirNoir2]

Also, let me know when Devil Bat and Engineria can do a team up/crossover!  I'll temp migrate her from Excel.

[cranebump]

11 minutes ago, TerroirNoir2 said:

Liking Devil Bat's "journey".  He has the advantage on Engineria in being able to show a lot of open world stuff, as well.  And the Snow Beast?  Heh, if Engineria didn't have Buddy, and sometimes Marcus when it gets BAD, she'd be in a lot more pain.

Yeah, I REALLY gotta watch my spelling there (cum? I'm think it was supposed to say, "son," "dude,' or "bronaisse." Corrected.:-)

[cranebump]

4 minutes ago, TerroirNoir2 said:

Also, let me know when Devil Bat and Engineria can do a team up/crossover!  I'll temp migrate her from Excel.

ANYtime. Well, after I finish with Jake's arc. He needs me....I think...

[cranebump]

The Jake Montoya Arc Continues!

(aka Neverending hunnnnnt mishes!)

 

Jake gets to work on the parts (privately...I assume) and is THIS close to solving the…

 

BUT OH NO! PLOT TWIST! HIS LAB IS BEING ATTACKED! OFF I GO!

(slowly…every so slowly).

 

Once there:

Erm…Crey, Jake? Or is there some sort of "Lab IKEA" somewhere?

 

So, either scared sh*tless or his leg's caught in the door. I mean, c'mon, hapless Jack. This is basic "walking through doors," brutha. (DC0 and you failed?)

 

So, it's a Defeat All. Try as I might, I just can't target all the people running through the halls, so I hope they don't count (I mean, I had ol' "leg-door" right in my sights, man).

I've got you now! You better…okay, stop crying…c'mon now, you don't have to…oh, just go already!

 

The Clock experience in the lab here is promoting a strange sense of Deja Vu:

 

Which leads to:

Damned Vahziclocks (I'm sticking with my story, man)

 

Back in. We wallop a few, grenade a few, shoot a few (runlikehellaroundacornerwhentwoorangesshowup), and FINALLY:

So, WHO we gonna give a "rough" time, hah? HAH?

 

And we do. After which we strike a pose

 

You know…

This whole Kung Fu fisty thing really IS refreshing. (Snatch the pebble from MY hand, willya...)

 

We knock this out and:

 

I'M RICH! AGAIN! 

 

But, really, it's about this:

It's all about the drooling adulation we accrue along the way.:-)

 

Of course, this isn't the last of Jake's story. Seems all this did was give him a lead. A lead I will follow! Like a really dumb dog looking to...find and...eat cat litter, because...dogs do that! 

 

or something like that…

[cranebump]

INTERLUDE:

Devil Bat gets all sensitive and sh*t

 

So, my recent encounters have me worried about my image:

Oh, my…What did I ever do to y-...Oh…um, yeah.

 

But maybe Cog is on to something. Time to work on my image!

 

Hi there! I'm Devil Ba…I said, I'm. de…SLOW DOWN, WILLYA? (can I join? [sniff])

 

Look, all I know is "slammin'," too, and look how I turned out!

 

No. No, I'm pretty certain that a little branding would do wonders for your love life. And maybe leave the kids at home on the first date?

 

What I'm saying is, it's OKAY to have your own views on things. You don't have to BE just a drone, right?...oh…you mean…never mind…

 

Come now, Ms. Smithers. Can't you see you and Soulburn here are MEANT for each other?

 

Alright! Wooo! Yeah! So, you guys are locked out the house, you said?

 

Annnd here you go. A huge box of Bombas socks. You know for every pair you buy…

 

You know, you're right, Baphomet. It IS peaceful as f*** up here.

 

Hey there! That's 25% off Golden Corral, people! We're talkin' the FULL BUFFET!...hello?...

 

Look, all we're talklin' here is one teeny, tiny banner on your next fly by. With itty bitty letters saying DEVIL BAT IS KEWL. So, you on board?

Ah! He'll "give it all the consideration it's due." Problem solved!

 

Off to Faultline, 'cuz Big Jim Temblor needs me.

 

Well, he needed SOMEBODY, and I happened to be passing by. (this is an EXCELLENT location to view my chopper banner).:-)

[cranebump]

POWERS UPDATE (and last of the day):

In keeping with jumping higher, faster, farther (and further, if need be), DB picks up Spring Attack. Really wanted that Spinning Strike, but we'll wait a bit on that. Bit of Acrobatics is in our future, fer sure. Somewhere along the line, we'll return to the really useless. Like Medicine (because interruptible heals are SOOOO precious). So, our experiment in old school crawling has us at L18, with Faultline series unlocked. After that, who knows? I might consult the hivemind for suggestions. Remember: you, too, can make a difference (because someone's got to take up my slack). 

 

Till next time, have a bat-tastically devilish Holiday season. You know where to find me:

[cranebump]

Year 1, day 8 or 9. Hard to say (too many tamales with jalapenos...recovery is slow):

This installment: Not YOUR Fault (line)

 

We begin the day with Eagle Eye telling us How Deadlock Got His Groove Back (aka, BAB gets slamma-jamma’ed). He tells it so well, it’s almost like I’m there. I mean, he even vividly described Deadlock’s itty-bitty Rob Liefeld feet. But then Big Mike related the whole thing, so I guess feet is mainly what he saw.

 

After that interlude, I race off to Faultline, where Big Jim Temblor is waiting to pop his muscle band. Or to bring me onboard to help with Fusionette (aka I’m Almost as cra-cra as Lady Grey-Grey).

 

I head into a facility where a really loud alarm thing sounds when I enter (greaaaat…). Once inside, I confirm that my new Spring Attack power is just as lousy as the rest of them:

Well…least I LOOK good.

 

But, after a bit of practice:

Take that you ass…phalt.

 

But nothing beats the ol’ standby:

That’s one OW! for me, and one for you, bro.

 

After several differences of opinion with these long-handed blaster guys, it occurs to me that if I was smart:

I’d just pay these guys off.

 

Then I remember I have no money. I have “Inf.” It’s like money, but worthless. In any case, they’re lookin’ for a hand out, so:

I give ‘em one. (Or two...Notice how gritty and stuff I am today? Post-Christmas grumps. Coal in the stocking.)

 

 

Bit of beat-beat here and a beat-beat there, and:

Over your head, eh? I assume that happens a lot, seeing as how you’re 4 and a half feet tall.

 

After checking in with Jimbo, I get a rinse and repeat:

With a bit of added “conditioner,” I guess (damn that little vixen, she is such a scamp).

 

QUICK ASIDE: FL is just great. Constant reminders of how one should attack one’s enemies. Like this one:

Noted. Sooooo noted.

 

One of my goals is to Help Sands. After breathing a sigh of relief that it’s not to rebuild this:

 

I find my erstwhile sorta-ally, deep in debate with the Lost:

 

He’s got a point, there Sandy man. Nevertheless, I don't have time to time you guys (or rather patience, actually), so:

You mean UNnfortunate.  For them, right? RIGHT?

 

Yup. Them. Holy moley...You load those shells yourself, Cletus?

 

Soon, we find fair maiden. Which I guess means nap time for everybody but me and the drones:

Oh, no, it’s okay. Take a few Z's...in the middle of combat. I GOT this (grumble, grumble).

 

Now we have to defeat Kurse, who is especially edgy and cool, ‘cause he spells his name with a K. This time, I nap while my allies finish off some perps, using their unending KB:

Hey, guys! Let's question this one so that we...um...never mind...

 

Finally, on the last floor, we find our man:

Hel-looooooo, crazy town! (No help here, Kursey - used all my tape to wrap gifts).

 

Well, if it’s a can of whoop-ass calling, then, here you go, Senor.

 

One Remove Kurse spell expended, and we're back to Jimbo for the finale. Turns out all this leads to taking on Nocturne before she escapes with the remnants of Christmas ham. Or some other valuable thing. Like Kurse, Nocturne is edgy and cool, because her name is Nocturne (but imagine if it were NoKturne! oooooooh….).

 

In any case, this means ARACHNOS. And Arachnos means:

Don’t have a cow, Mu. (hehehehehe…heh…{ahem}).

 

One long slog through sewers (and many Mu Cows), a busted up submersible (that I can't hit unless I'm in JUST the right spot [reminds me of my honeymoon]), and a few kicks to Nocturne's Family Jewels analogue (which turns out to be all over her body):

I won’t forget it, either, missy. Hubba, hubba (that sub was PURTY!)

 

All that jazz nets me Jim's gratitude, and an introduction to Penny Yin (pre-badass version).

 

PLUS: 8 merits! You know what THAT means:

 

Edited December 28, 2022 by cranebump

[cranebump]

Batties FL Excursion (cont).

 

Our thoughts now turn to Ms. Yin. Like Jim, Penny’s missing someone. Her padre. Also Doc (I’m Almost As Crae As Fusionette [and a distant 3rd behind Lady Crae-Grey) Delilah is missing. I have a few theories to share. Like, maybe she's moonlighting?:

 

No? How about:

Starring in a big budget film?...No?

 

Okay, that exhausts my detective prowess, so, off I go.

 

Naturally, I find my FAVORITE bad guys there:

And I’m just heels over head about it!

 

Y’know, I’m not sure Doc needs my help. She’s like 7’ tall:

 

And she throws boulders:

 

After I “help out” Ms. Goliath, Jim gets a call from Cantalope, er I mean, Pen-a-lope, and she sends me after Muxley. I handle that with a plum (or possibly aplomb? [insert something good here]). It’s right after this that history reaches a nexus point - a moment in which the entire future of the world rests. 

So close to rewriting a LOT of lore there…

 

Well, at least we know where big daddy Yin is. So, off I go (after levelling, which I’ve needed to do for an hour, but, um, forgot I was more powerful [happens, when you’re this awesome]). I pick up some enhances from this person:

So all this sh*t just “fell off a truck,” right? Gotcha. Got any cigarettes or bowties?

 

Penny sez I need a team to rescue dear ol’ dad. But I figure with me and my 6 personalities, I’m more than good there. Besides, I got snow beast, and we all know what HE (she? no discernible anatomy) can do. Plus, I always have my trusty gun:

Eat blanks, beeyotch!

 

After a few mini-skirmishes, I discover that the mish is dangerous because it has named villains, like this one:

Dude…marketing…

 

Under the heading, biting off more you can chew:

All good (pant, pant). Thanks grenades. And stun grenades. And taser thing. Y’know-not my actual POWERS.

 

Which means: live by the taser:

I’ll get you, you nameless bastige! Just lemme get up, and...pull your fist outta my a**.

 

Round 2 goes a bit better:

Yeah, I sneaked up on ya, bruh. And I ain’t sorry. (grenade, grenade, grenade, KICK!)

 

It doesn’t get any easier:

Oh, for the love of…BUNCH UP, WOULDJA?

 

Yeah. Like that. (sheesh…did you guys skip villain school?)

 

Finally, we find our man, guarded by:

You’re one letter away from your true name, hombre.

 

Oh, yeah? Well, she was ALMOST my sidekick, man.

 

Of course, we know there’s an ambush coming. And there are two ways to handle an ambush:

Run, little man! Run!

 

With our good friend and ally, Missiondoor, covering our retreat, we get Daddy dearest back at work, where yours truly gains access to the man’s goodies. Er, his shop, that is:

Hmmm…never been paid in prime rib before.

 

Well…this is rather…eclectic. It's okay, though. Big Canie mallets don't kill people. People kill themselves trying to swing them.

 

And, of course:

Yin tech, for the discerning Yang-kee.

 

Not to mention 8 merits!

GOGOGO! MINEMINEMINE!

 

 

Edited December 27, 2022 by cranebump

[cranebump]

Year 1, Day, like 8 or 9. 

The Doctor is In (and so are other people)

Time moves like syrup. Over pancakes. And butter. Or rather, margarine. Because I can’t have butter anymore. Or sugar. Cheese? F*** that. Too much pain. Pizza? Death in a cardboard box, In fact, I-

 

(ahem) Okay, now that Crane is done bitching and moaning about being old, on with my tale. No continuing with Faultline at the moment, because I’m level 19. Doc Delilah is too good for me. Well, right now. But Jake Montoya always gots stuff cookin’. So, it’s off to Skyway to hunt Clocks for…zero experience…

 

Hooookay…

 

Turns out there ARE some Clockies my level:

And a li’l biscuit there next to ‘em. RUFF!

 

After chasing off some trolls (why? Cuz.), Jake asks me to test a Wave Scrambler against the clocks:

I’d say that’s…moderately successful.

 

Turns out Jake just wants me to hunt, hunt, hunt. Now, I DO need to prove myself, so…never mind! I go back to FL and enlist the aid of the PO-PO SCANNER! (cheating on doing contacts, but I REALLY want L20, and I REALLY don’t want to hunt right now). 

 

I’m in luck! A bank is being robbed (which means someone else isn’t in luck but who cares about them, right?).

 

OFF I GO! To the BAT CYCLE! (FYI: My shoes have the words “Bat Cycle” written on them).

Hi…

 

And hi again…

 

What? You’re kidding! 

Okay, so they AREN’T here to open a solid, steady, low-interest savings account.

 

You know, when it comes to combat readiness:

These guys are NOT the model.

 

But who needs readiness, when you have a cool name:

 

Two bank tellers saved (who both inform me that, yes, they're trying to rob AND blow up the place).

Hmmm...I’m guessing this is level 2 readiness.

 

Either I’m flexing, or someone’s about to have a very bad day.

 

Y'know, sometimes these mishes can be nebulous. Other times:

Perp AND motive. Gotcha.

 

Still not 20, so on to some Trolls stealing The Hand of Omega (poor Omega. Er, I mean, poor Lefty).

Holy crap, the gun worked! Run from ME, will ya? (blows smoke from muzzle)

 

After taking a boulder to the face:

Soooo worth it...ow...

 

Boom. Level 20. Keeper of the Peace! You know what that means. New togs!

Spring will be here soon, and I’ll be sooo ready for the debutante ball.

 

Bit of commerce and such:

STILL no bow ties? Damnit, Rhonda! 

 

(sigh) ONWARD! (moderately)

 

Doc wants me to look into the whole FL story that gave Jmmy Trembles fam a bad rep (er, Temblor, that is). No problem:

Thankfully, these guys implicate themselves.

 

With Akashiknight’s body found,Doc has me snoop around AK’s old office. The name Captain Castillo comes up. I already know I don’t like him. His duds are nearly as stylish as mine, and I want ALL the attention at the spring ball (17 and a half weeks from now - and counting, bro!). Off we go! BAT CYCLE AWAY!

 

Once in the old, (not) abandoned office:

I guess I’ll be the one “telling them about it.” (prepping my notes)

 

So a lot of “Protect the Arbiter!” Who turns out to be:

My Buddy! Or…not?

 

Wow. Big entrance by me and:

Itty bitty sliver of health taken. Ouch.

 

Lots of insps and smacking later:

Sands. So polite. Love you, guy. Er, I mean, TAKE THAT EVIL DOER!

 

On to meet with Agent Homey G, Then Doc sends me to uncover the truth. Well, I know one thing:

You’re right, Marvin. This old dam sucks. I’ll put in a word with Robert Alderman, HE’LL know what to do.

 

Doc comes along for the ride:

(swoon) That’s my gal.

 

So, no more comments about the Daisy Dukes. Got it…Damn, you’re tall.

 

ONWARD! We fight our way to the ever stylish Captain Castillo, which can only mean one thing:

Summon the cavalry! (and thanks, Cap'n…I think…)

 

In the end, we emerge triumphant* (*which is a really good Supers RPG by Simon Washbourne, btw)

Hi. We rock.

 

The Doc spells it all out (as we currently know it):

I see. Well, it’s all good, cuz:

 

 

Edited January 21, 2023 by cranebump

[cranebump]

Faultline. The Furious Final Fantastic Finale

(aka Ffffffffff...)

 

The good Doctor gives me a heads up on what's next:

And he STILL wants to hire me? How nice.

 

So. Off to see my man G. And this much is certain:

These jetpacks are NOT eco-friendly.

 

Back to the old, dilapidated, really-needs-to-replaced-with-a-better-generator-at-one-TENTH-of-the-money dam, and-HELL-ooo.

 

Well, well, well…

SOMEONE took me up on the offer of Bombas socks. You won’t regret it, missy. Er. ma’am....You guys?

 

G is right to the point, which is sooo G-like:

Will do. And I promise not to tell anyone you’re a vampire. Team Edward!...er, right?

 

Now that I’m clad in bright, shiny white, I, of course, get a covert mission:

Um, okay. I mean, I’m down for irony as much as the next guy, but isn’t this sorta compounding the problem?

 

As I head out:

No. I’m a big, bad, super dude, you see, and-

Oh…um, okay, you were saying?

 

As I head that way:

Nice work, Jean, Tom. You’re hired!....Whaddaya mean you’re NOT coming in with me? BRO! (sigh)...okay…

 

Into the office/whatever this place is:

Okay, so inputting "Plasmatic Taser" wasn't it.

 

ONWARD I GO! only to discover:

BACKWARD I GO!

 

And then:

Well…okay…I sorta announced myself, didn't I?

 

So, after that sterling moment:

So, I’m bright and shiny, and you want this…(sigh) Oh, well, I…Hmmm, this ain’t bad…

 

Turns out, there are some major upsides to being all demented and evil looking:

Hi, guys! I’m Arachnos! See?..AHEM! Hey, there…never mind…(damn, you guys ARE crabby).

 

By the way, being a spider:

…is exhausting…this armor is heavy, man.

 

So, that being the case:

Ahhh..relief…Who’s Nocturne? Oh, yeah. You mean NoKturne. Hubba, hubba. And so forth. (don't tell her I said that)

 

Mish done! Good to go! But TOO LATE! (sh*t...isn’t that always the case?).

 

G sends me to confer with Indy at some dig sites. Or, I imagine it that way, cuz I like fedoras. In actuality, though, it’s more like this:

Dig, minions, Dig! You heard me. Arbiter Waffle, that’s who!...right…carry on…

 

At the site, looking for Nazis and their too-short staff:

Okay, no Nazis. And this place could REALLY use some throw pillows and doilies.

 

Several bouts of this and that:

Damn, I'm limber.

 

A lot of work there to clear out the Naz-, I mean, Arachnos. But in the end, it’s all worth it:

Second date! I’m fixin’-to get LUCKY! (or not)

 

Off I go. And here she is:

Hey, now. Can’t we discuss this over a nice chamomile? Or something?

 

ASIDE: I feel like Arachnos minions would work harder if it weren’t for things like this:

Seriously, Jenks. Chumps? I mean, you hired them ,didn’t’cha? (and here I am doing an MJ move: Eee-hee-hee!)

 

Just in time for our date:

Ouch. That “hand of doom” thing hurts when it comes from someone else.

 

Polish that off. Hopefully with a 3rd date (someday?) I get sent out to deal with this dreamboat:

Dude, I think that ALL the time. Then guess what happens?

Yeah. That.

 

Boom. CC is down (but still sytlin'). Sands is next. Long slog. Then all hands on deck.

 

After he immediately klils my Yin-Clocks and poor ol' Donnie:

All this and you taunt my dead clocks? Duuuuude…

 

He's down and out (and still loquacious, I assume. So now it’s on to the trifecta (and the task of rescuing Penelope Yin, which is the ACTUAL mish). How confident am I?

Not very, hence this.

 

Quick tete-a-tete with the chopper pilot:

So, if I get out of this alive, THEN can I get my banner flyby?

 

She says she'll think about it (VICTORY!...er, right?.

 

Long story short (but not really), I chopper in, free Penelope, then turn to find the vills are just excoriating themselves (and stuff…like my big word?).

 

I dive in:

Thanks, Sands. Now, you just…what the hell? Died in the explosion of Castillo’s bot. No problem. I get credit!

 

Or, as G so eloquently puts it:

You’re right, Dad. It IS something to-

Did you say something?

 

In the end, Bats is Bat-torious. Having just turned 21 (levels that is), I take a well-deserved break, and seek out my OWN bow ties (Rhonda is just not a Selfridge employee)

 

It's 2023, folks. Everyone stay Devilishly Batty!

Thanks, Uncy Cyrus. I AM awesome.

 

Edited January 2, 2023 by cranebump

[cranebump]

Year 1, Dog Day 10 maybe? I lost count

Goin’ DARK (and edgy as a butter knife! at least!)

 

Yeah, it’s been a great ride for yours truly, so far. 

Yo. He’s talkin’ about moi, bruh. Or…hang on…Devil QUEEN? Duuuuude… (then again, maybe that makes me even MORE badass)

 

And yet, with all the darky, dark, noir-isiciousness I’ve seen, I can feel something…stirring inside (and it ain’t the chorizo).

 

It’s time to explore my edgelord side:

 

First, a change of togs:

C’mon, Roger, it’s me! ME!...don’t turn away…

 

Then, a few pointers from the experts:

Okay, so, #1…take umbrage with authority figures. Got it.

 

#2: REALLY take umbrage. Let’s see…repeated…fist to…face, right? Got it!

 

#3: Grimly and stoically loiter…(should I be quietly growling, like you guys?)

 

#4: Declare all out war on beachwear. (You had me at beach, man)

 

Protect the air compressor at ALL costs.

 

Stay wound up at all times (no problem there!).

 

Any time is “hammer time.”

 

Presentation is EVERYTHING. (thanks for the notes, bro!)

 

Say sinister sh*t, like “floodgates” and “spawn.” (Yeah, I KNOW this one already. Hear a lot of this when I’m taking shots to the mug.)

 

Finally, and most importantly:

Steal purses…(hmmm…bit advanced…am I READY for that?)

 

Well, that oughta be enough to go on for now. Time to explore the dark, or rather DUSKY side.

 

My first foray into edginess begins with these choices:

 

Obviously, I can’t do BOTH these things, can I? Time to kick Big Mike’s a** (actually, if I’m reading the mish text right, I SHOULD be kicking his “slimier” lawyers asses, but they don’t seem to hang out in abandoned warehouses, like the Em’ster).

 

Time to strike fear in the heart of-

Um…hi…nothing to see here…I mean…

Nothing to see here, officers! (huge, smarmy grin)

 

Man, there are LOTS of cops here. Better look into why:

Well, alrighty then. I don’t have to worry about the jurors! (now, why am I here? Oh, yeah - to give a beatdown (how is this different from being a hero?)

 

Oh, right:

And I’m ALL out of billiard balls (what, you don’t carry a pool cue everywhere you go?)

 

5 floors of nice cops, before I get to my man:

What? You're not scared? C'MON! I’m dressed in red, dude! RED! Like, mean, scary red!...Oh, hell with it.

 

Beating up Mikey then sets off a whole chain of events:

And not a good chain, either. Like naughty chains and whips, and…

 

(ahem)

 

ANY-way. I get jumped by Mercado and his men:

Behold my fantastic cosmic chest! No? (Bueller? Bueller?)

 

Then we run past all those batiges that WERE applauding me when I came in. Only to find they’ve invited more of their buddies, AND a freakin' superhero!:

F*** this...

 

I make for the door, where, just for grins, I wait for Quant. After kicking him once to the face, I just run the hell out. Because, like the DUSK I disappear before your eyes (er…or something like that).

 

In the end:

Nice. I got to trash some dude, in exchange for jurors getting roughed up. Soooo worth it (??)

 

Thus ends my first jaunt on the jagged side. All in all, it’s just a big pain in the arse. But I am committed. Because sometimes, you have to make tough choices when you’ve “gone off the deep end” (which I assume is a euphemism for, I am now even MORE dedicated to embodying the spirit of American jurisprudence!).

 

So, THAT was a mixed bag, the ol' vigilante thing. Still, I hear it's the way to go, if you wanna be EDGY. So let’s try this a SECOND time, shall we? Surely, it’ll be simpler:

Ah ha! And what are my choices, oh conundrum generator?

Wtf? REALLY?

 

Guess this means:

Yeah, I got this…

 

In I go, all bright and shiny. Which means I can't really mix in with these guys:

Correction. It’s HEROIC Devil Bat. The guy just who just walks in and people fall down.

 

My mish: take out 3 pulse charges. Do I catch a stroke of luck here? 

Yup…heroing is good…(now rolling bowling ball)

 

Searching for bad machine #3, I find:

Ah! A pesky hero! Er, I mean...FRIEND!

I am? Even after that thing with the cops, I mean, the co…rrupt bad guys?

 

I’m REALLY glad Overdrive is here, ‘cause this…

…this could get spicy…

 

It DID get spicy, because those turds on the right shuffled over and lit me up with fire and bullets (which I usually prefer on Rye toast). Nonetheless, Overdrive and me give ‘em whut fer.

 

In the end:

Man, that feels GREAT. But better yet:

That’s right. Level 22, beeyotach. Er, I mean, gentle reader. (hehehehe...a-heh...{ahem}). Yeah...

 

VERDICT: Wow…this whole vigilante thing SUUUUCKS! DB might have to consider his options carefully* (*meaning I’ll pick the one that he actually thinks is “right.” He may end up reinforcing his heroic ethos. We’ll see). In the meantime, we’ll grab Acrobatics (because that’s jumpy), sell off some stuff, upgrade the ol’ enhances, and then:

So, Greg, this Rhonda person, over in Faultline - where DOES she get that sh*t?  And do YOU have any bow ties?

...

...

...

Hello?...Bue...ller?

Edited January 8, 2023 by cranebump

[cranebump]

Year 1, Day Quiddly Quatch

Loomie Tunes (aka Tsooner or Later)

 

His name is Pavel Garnier. And:

Good. Hit me, homeslice.

Metaphors and slug-bugs. I dig it. Like a…thing that…likes other things…(so maybe it’s similes I like)

 

This can only mean one thing:

I heed the call, oh, brokedown stoney man.

 

Loomie Tunes can be found in IP. No problem:

Man…you think they’d label these things.

 

As you’ve noticed, his batness is in blue again. That’s because I have red in my ledger. I have to figure out if I’m gonna be Charlie Hero or Charlie Horse. Er, that is, Charlie Vig. I still ain’t sure. For now? Let’s do some heroin’ in a new zone.

 

I quickly hop on the train!

The wrong train…(sigh) hookay…

 

This takes us to:

Que? Quack? What’s a quay? Must I know? Do I care? Maybe. But once I meet Loomis

All you need is a loooooooong JACKET!

 

After making a note to ask about bow ties AND jackets, Mandy comes and she gives without taking:

You can’t count on me, madam. Unlike Barry Manilow, I won’t send you away. What’s that? Shut the hell up?

You got it!

 

So, after the long haul to IP, Loomis sends me to AP. That’s okay. Long as there’s some pee there.

 

Or rather P…Not Master P…the other thing…

 

Right near the door, a golden opportunity:

Okay, now, which end did the clocks use again?

 

After determining the art thief isn’t in my new car, I head inside. Once in, I decide to get sneaky and clever.I’ll lure the art thief to ME!

Hmmm…needs more pink…

 

An hour later…

 

Damned if the Tsoo have a Tsso What attitude about my masterpiece. (c’mon…we’ve all said it…it ain’t Tsoo bad to admit it, either. Right? RIGHT?)

 

As I am no Tsoothsayer, I have to do things the old fashioned way:

Hey now…at least let me swing first.

 

Know what I love about Tsoo-serers? Same thing everybody loves:

Don’tTP! Don’tTP! Don’t…awwwww, sh*t…

 

Plus they got these guys:

Charlie Sheen!..Or…not?

 

Of course, these guys are fearless. I mean, listen to them:

 

But, just to shake things up, they sometimes run:

Can’t outrun my friend Smith & Wesson…oil…(damn..I actually hit that guy).

 

They also hit you with mega doses of melatonin:

Must…resist…same thing that happened…on...Turkey Day…I (zzzzzzz).

 

And then the wizardy stuff, which gives me a lot of light reading. All one word. Repeated over and over:

 

But at least I’m well-rested:

 

When I AM upright and not snoozing, I do okay:

2 for 2 with the gun. I’m Dirty Freakin’ Harry!

 

Speaking of playing dirty:

Hi.

 

Remember I said I didn’t need to take notes on villainous monologuing?

Right. Got it. Me bad, you good.

 

3 for 3? Who is that masked man? (pst…it’s me)

 

Of course, no Tsoo review would be complete without:

Agh! Your pit! It SMELLS SO BAD! AHHHHH! (oh…avoided…LILAC!)

 

These guys are mysterious, lemme tell ya. And the biggest mystery of all:

HOW do you guys expect to get THAT painting in THIS box?

Last room. And SOMEBODY’s trying to hide back there in those nooks and crannies:

You know, hidin’s easier when your head isn’t all red and shiny. I should know. 

 

See?

 

I make me way DEEP into the bowels of the facility. Tsoo very deep. So very:

Are you kiddin me? I was JUST there.

 

Well, no wonder I missed it. Look how cleverly hidden it is:

Yep. Blends right in, don’t it?

 

Back to luminous Loomis. I tell her what I know. What’s the next mish, my queen?

Oh…um…okay…(shrugs)

 

Everything in south IP is the same color as Barney the Dino-sawer. I try IP North.

Good call, me.

 

I efficiently conduct my investigations, uncovering something about a Tsoo coup that is definitely NOT cool. Know what else isn’t cool? Standing around next the tram and running into this:

No ticket, no ride, kemosabe.

 

Anyhoo, more investigation. On to the next office or warehouse or:

…okay…(sigh)

 

No sooner do I do that:

Damn…why won’t this guys talk? Oh, well. Let’s fire up the Webber Char King.

 

Done. (or it is well done?) Quick visit to sky:

Pickup game? Next time, Losers. Er…Lost. Got a delivery to make.

 

Trudeau gives me the latest skinny on the Tsoo-nanigans (even though that ISN’T this arc). I’m off to take down a boss! The mysterious Copperhead. Oooh...sounds ominous.

 

After a quick power up at the base (which just happens to be under construction, thanks to the efforts of @Etched, who is going to make sure DB doesn’t stay perpetually lame), I’m back in AP:

Evidently leaving a trail of dirty, brown farts behind me,

 

Quick snack before entering:

Throw away your wax paper after sniffing your sandwiches, kiddies.

 

And in we go.

 

Well, this is unexpected. Where are the tats and sorcerers and stuff? Instead I get the ripped jeans brigade.

 

Ah. Here we are:

Try to lead ME into a trap, why don’cha? (I would…I’m not too bright, y’know)

 

We play bounce house with Red Viper, who’s got electricity (like, REAL electricity, not that metaphor stuff Mandy likes). As usual, the Tsoo appear in small pods of no more than…

7…yeah…7…(I hate you guys)

 

So, let’s take this in small bites, shall we? First, a little payback:

Yessss…sleeeeeep…sleep, my enemy, I…(ahem) sorry…vigilante training.

 

Then, this mess:

Want pancakes? Then you gotta have BATTER. Heh, heh…(ahem)

 

These guys really are a tre-MEN-dous pain in the arse. After I accidentally draw 2 groups instead of 1:

Stunstunstun…(thunk)...

 

I end up having to play like a noobie blaster, the whole jousting bit, and use of temps. It’s not a perfect solution, but this is what happens when you skip Ryuji-von-Hoshi-Pat-Morita (or whatever the anti-disorient power is). 

 

Eventually, we find Copperhead. And he is:

OWOWOW! HOTHOTHOTHOT!

 

After getting slightly deep fried, I find info on the Tsoo plan to take over all the Gangs of Paragon (which also happens to be the title of the unfinished project Daniel Day-Lewis didn’t get to before he retired [I don’t like that guy. He seems to have NO sense of humor]).

 

The great news: I get to stay in Atlas for a bit longer, specifically at this place:

Um…you’ll never find a more wretched hive of smelly shoes and stale fries?

 

Take out some Fam and my tattooed boys. As is their SOP, they tend to gather in what I now lovingly call “stun pods.”

I hate you. So much.

 

Bust leaders here, and in Steel. As far as the Fam go:

I’m…not sure what a “slow” eye is, but okay. 

 

Fancy that. There’s a mobster named Tony.:-)

 

Done wth that. I get a rinse and repeat in IP. There are a LOT of gang leaders to bust. But it's still easier than grilling them (in a nice butter sauce).

 

Well, there’s a change of pace:

Bombs. Good. That’ll make grilling easier. The heat and all, right?...What is that a bad idea?

 

Lotsa my bros here. Thankfully this happens:

And things get a LOT easier.

 

For the moment. 

 

Meanwhile…something is going on at Devil-base…

I am the…! ...what the hell?

 

Correction - what in the nine hells…?

 

OMG! I can COOK!

I can fix stuff! And do my taxes online!

I can rea…I can LEARN to read!

I can finally wash these filthy-a** togs!

I can set the high score on Galaga! And no one can change it!

 

It’s a M*********ING BONANZA!

 

(Actually, it’s just the concerted efforts of @Etchedto bring the Bat into the 21st century (while retaining my lame-ass roots).:-) And from the look of things, he’s still at it! (what I snapped here was just a small portion of what's already been done-I LOVE it!)

 

Much love, kemosabe. The Bat will keep his streaky undies bleached and pleated as he fights evil [but not dust bunnies…we draw the line there!]).

 

But, seriously folks: from out of nowhere Etched sent me a message and offered time and effort to spruce up the DB Cave. I am so seriously touched and grateful that words cannot express it. This is a person who exemplifies what this community is all about. So, three cheers, a big shout out, and mega-Bat-Fives to @Etched! THANKS SO MUCH!

 

We now return to our regularly-scheduled DB'ery...:-)

Edited January 12, 2023 by cranebump

[cranebump]

Year 1, Day 46 (minus like, 32)

Loomey Toon (the CONCLUSION!)

 

After the exalted ejaculation…er, exalted EXCLAMATION, I mean…Anyway, after my jumping for joy over the elite base makeover I realize I still need to finish Amanda “I’m agog over metaphors” Loomis’s arc. All that’s left - beat up people (so, standard operating procedure, natch).

 

Couple o’ places in Talos, at OPPOSITE ends ot the zone, I might add. Along with a great cardio, I lift some Tsoo-per heavy weights:

My favorite part of the wash? The “spin” cycle! Get it! Har,har har…

 

Along the way, I get recognized in a somewhat dubious manner:

I’m just surprised it took this long to recognize it. My a** sure knew about it, ages ago.

 

Bosses and their thugs. Plus hostages at site #2, where we find these bros:

Ruined everything? Yeah, that’s kinda my middle name. Ask my relatives about last Easter.

 

NOTE: The Tsoo guy behind our man Harry Fleas is named Teal Death. I don’t know much, but I do know this - there’s no surer way to drain the intimidation right out of a name than by adding “teal” to it.

 

Lots of smacking and some mez reception, but I am successful. I return to Loomie and:

Well…we Tshowed YOU, dint we?

 

Evidently, she agrees:

Geddaway frum mai POIL!

 

Time to stock up on tasers and such. My revolver (whom I have just christened ‘Elmer’) is in need of bullets. Hopefully, I won’t go back to blanks, as before.

 

Just for grins, we case the base again. Some neat touches here, like this one:

My TP’s are these dark passageways. Perfect for my BAT CYCLE (I DO have one! I DO!)

 

Pass through what looks like a sewer pipe, and I’m taken into the bowels of the edifice, which is all grungy and evocative, just like we dig:

 

In the bowels of my lair, I find out the source of my income. The SECRET LAUNDROMAT (washeteria, for you southerners).

Okay, so how do we…press…button…Really? It’s GOT to be more complicated than that.

 

I also have a tenant who’s WAY behind on the rent:

Um…thanks for the bone dust…friend…

 

We also got space in the main chamber to take a load off, and listen to Revolver-backwards:

It’s like they’re talking to me, man. ME. (pst-the Walrus was Paul)

 

Restocked. Got some plain ol’ grenades, because sending things flying is a “blast.” (bwahahahahaha…{ahem}).

 

With Loomis done, I contact Andrew Fiore. Freaks off their leash. Looks like I’m called to duty. But then there’s this, too:

 

Hmmmm…Who we gonna call?

Head BUSTERS! (now in RED!)

 

In we go, and here we are, making new friends:

Hoo boy…

 

New friends? Maybe. But they may as well be old dogs, based on this nugget:

Yeah, yeah. If it wasn’t for you meddling kids, and…Mangle? He wouldn’t happen to be TEAL Mangle, would he?

He’s definitely not Teal. But, why do his minions need guns?

 

My God, you’re naked! I SURRENDER!

 

As we make our veggie way, we find some things just don’t change:

Electric…Nyquil…must…zzzzz….

 

The last of the pretty boxes is guarded by another (non-teal) Death Shaman. We have a bit of a “discussion.”

Must you ALL be so orange?

 

Bit o’smack and crash, and…

You’re free shiny box. FREE! (um…did you say Tesseract?)

 

When all’s said and done, we can see that, in the battle for DB’s soul, the Emperor is winning:

Well…the Xmas gifts DID say I was naughty, right?

 

Thus ends our adventuring day. Time to go relax and watch some action-packed viewing on the big screen. (Can you BELIEVE they killed off Matthew? And after he SAVED Downton Abbey? [sniff]).

 

Happy Trails,

Crane

Edited January 16, 2023 by cranebump