CoH Fan Fiction

[QueenBethari]

@Dacy I can understand how you feel. It's wonderful to know that someone has read what you've written, but it's equally frustrating when it seems like no one cares. It's always nice to be reminded of the positive feedback you've received.

 

Speaking of feedback - are you guys ready for Marilyn's reaction to her new roommate?

 

---

 

Move-In Day: Part 2

The door was answered by a girl who looked to be about twelve years old. The girl was a few inches shorter than Marilyn, scrawny, and wore gobs and gobs of white makeup. She had a silly, cherry-red grin on her face. This kid couldn't actually be her new roommate, could it? 

"Hello, I'm Marilyn. It's so nice to finally meet you."

 

The girl's face fell. "Oh," she said. She widened the door, then flopped down on her bed. "Come in."

 

Marilyn clenched her teeth. Everyone always reacted to her the same way. At first, they'd be incredibly excited to meet her. Then, they'd ask her if she was descended from an evil wizard, or half fish, or completely insane. She would reply, "No." After they found out how ordinary she was, the nice ones would forget she ever existed. The mean ones would - well, she'd rather not think about it. It was all because of her name - that singular, cursed surname: Lovecraft.

 

Why had she thought things would be different outside of Arkham?

[Dacy]

*claps*
 

Very cool, starting to get the feel for both of these characters, and the story they may share. I like how you’ve been able to incorporate descriptions as part of the story, not something separate, such as: Marilyn is an ordinary looking blonde girl, about as wholesome looking as they come. You put it where it is naturally, as part of her roommate’s reaction to her. Of course, this reads much better than a sentence just for description that doesn’t advance the story at the same time. Nice job 😊. 
 

And Marilyn’s problem is intriguing, not sure I’ve encountered another character with that sort of problem. Points for originality!

 

-Dacy 

[DJ1]

OK Ill take a quarter as well cuz yep I red it too. Good stuff Dacy. I really liked the ***** bit where the heroes have a tough fight against ***nameless villan group** and I wasn't sure how they were gonna get outta that.

Edited November 18, 2019 by DJ1
edit: yeah okay good point but I'm not sure how to use the spoiler things but i took out the stuff that might give away stuff. Better?

[Christopher Robin]

May want to use the spoiler widget there @DJ1 as most people haven't read Dacy's story yet (what are you guys

waiting for, it's good!) and may not want to see details about some of the penultimate moments in advance.

[Christopher Robin]

15 minutes ago, DJ1 said:

edit: yeah okay good point but I'm not sure how to use the spoiler things but i took out the stuff that might give away stuff. Better?

 

At the top of the comment box, in the second row, after Size and Font go 6 symbols over to the right.

It looks like an eye. Click on that and then type anything you want hidden into that new box that

opened within the comment area. When you're done click submit & it will auto hide that text.

 

 

Edited November 18, 2019 by Christopher Robin

[Dacy]

Thanks, @DJ1! That was exactly what I was going for.

 

Can I discuss a common, seemingly nearly universal plot mechanic for action/adventure stories/movies, in general, without needing to use the spoilers? I ask because I more or less used that when writing the ending. It's a principle, not an actual plot point.

 

-Dacy

[DJ1]

If your asking me I say go for it. I think CR was givin me guff cuz what i said was about your story specificly.

[QueenBethari]

18 hours ago, Dacy said:

Thanks, @DJ1! That was exactly what I was going for.

 

Can I discuss a common, seemingly nearly universal plot mechanic for action/adventure stories/movies, in general, without needing to use the spoilers? I ask because I more or less used that when writing the ending. It's a principle, not an actual plot point.

 

-Dacy

Hey, I'd love it! I could use all the writing tips I can get - especially when it comes to plots.

 

Also, I need to stop stalling and start writing! Come on brain, you can do it!

---

Annabel Pitches In

Annabel sulked. She was condemned to another boring school year. She was about to throw herself the world's biggest pity party when she noticed Marilyn struggling to fit a ginormous cardboard box past the narrow door frame. Annabel sighed. This girl needed help - even if she was lame. She grabbed the front end and tugged with all her might. Finally, she felt the box give. It was almost inside when RRRRIPP! Dozens of brand-new Salamanca Gifted Explorers uniforms tumbled to the floor. Could this day get any worse? she thought.

 

"Come on girls," came a cheery voice from  the hall. "It's time for student orientation."
 

---

Sorry this episode is so short - I think I had a tiny bit of reverse writer's block. I had so many ideas, I didn't know which to go with first. I wrote something short and sweet instead. 😄

Edited November 18, 2019 by QueenBethari
Grammar!

[Dacy]

Nice way to work, QB! Apply fingers to keyboard and get SOMETHING down.

 

This thing I've noticed isn't really a writing tip per se, but you can apply it to writing when trying to make sure your writing is holding the reader's attention, I guess. 🙂

 

So, simply put, what I've noticed is that there's a formula for action denouement, which is, protagonist faces impossible odds, protagonist fights, sometimes even scoring some good points initially, but seemingly always, it will seem as though the protagonist has been defeated before somehow finding a way to win. The best books I've read, I never see this coming as to how, and it's never exactly what I expected, but it's still completely logical. You can't just go, scene missing, "Oh, that was a narrow escape!" or "poof" some heretofore never before introduced character or power comes in and saves the day. Think of pretty much every action movie you've ever seen. The victory scored is all the more sweet when it looked like it wasn't going to happen. And then you get some writers, like Joss Whedon, who  will throw in a major character's demise, just to be unpredictable. (And then you get authors like George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones, where they take THAT to extremes.)

 

As for a writing tip I -do- use, it would be logic. Things have to follow logically within the context of the rules of the world in which I'm writing.  I ask myself "why?" a lot. Why is this character doing this? Where did this important plot device come from, what happens if x happens? Does that make sense? Why? It's sort of like formal writing: you have your thesis sentence, and then  your supporting facts, and then your conclusion because of the supporting details, but it has to follow logically. Pet peeve of mine is when I'm watching a show (it usually doesn't happen in the books I read, but I'm sure it happens in some books!) and I see something and I'm like, wait a minute, how did THAT happen?? That's completely out of left field. Or when I know for a fact that they took a convenient shortcut in what's possible for a person, profession, or physical reality. So  when you discard convenient shortcuts and plot devices, well, then you've really got to THINK about how you can get from A to B or maybe Z in a way that is credible for your character. And maybe let the character chime in with its unique personality and perspective; the logical path may not be the one you see, for that character, it might go about things in a different way. That's why it's so important to make your characters real to you. I had a bit of help in this department; all of the major characters in my story -were- real, creations of other people who had their own perspective on how that character would act, and I had to respect that. This was particularly true with Trick. There were times I had to rewrite a scene because, nope, that's not how Trick would have responded. But it kept it more real, I think, and altho I know it did make the writing more difficult for me, it also gave it more depth. And, that's life, really; you run into people who don't always do things the way you'd like, and you adapt or avoid and move on.

 

I knew an author, Holly Lisle, before she was an author and during the process of her becoming an author, and I will always remember a story she told. There was a scene in which a character was going to die. This character was the child of her main character, and honestly, it was easier for the author and the plot if she was out of the way. But, she said, the character had other ideas. During a session of figuring out the scene where the child dies (eaten by sort of a tree), the child suddenly turned and said, "Bad tree!" and fought back with more magical ability than the author had intended for her to have, originally. In one move, the world changed, and suddenly, new possibilities opened up on the horizon, so they went with it. Instead of dying, the child became a major character, and the mother had one more thing to deal with. Now, I said, it's not cool to have an unintroduced power suddenly show up and save the day, but the child was the product of two wizards, so it made sense that she could suddenly, in a stressful situation, manifest these powers. I thought it was funny to hear of a character doing that, but I've since had it happen to me; I'm running the scene in my mind, and suddenly, my character does something different than what I'd been thinking before, and new plot directions fall into place. It's fun. 🙂 So, let the characters speak to you, and investigate different paths; they may be the paths that take you to the best places.

 

Well, that was longer than I intended..story of my life. 🙂

 

-Dacy

[QueenBethari]

You know what's amazing? I started with a simple idea about a wannabe vampire and her reluctant sidekick, but now it's grown into a jungle of competing ideas. There's a bunch of scenes that I'm just dying to write, but they're kinda overwhelming me.

 

I'm also trying to get to know Annabel. Here's a major question that I'm trying to resolve:

Spoiler

How do the other students at Salamanca Academy for Gifted Explorers react to Annabel?

If they think she's weird, then she and Marilyn have something to base their friendship off of; it means they could both be outcasts. I think it's the more realistic option, but I'm not sure if I'm satisfied with it.

If they admire Annabel for being an individual, the stakes might be higher. Marilyn knows how dangerous the supernatural can be. It would pain her to see it treated so flippantly. Of course, if I go with this option, there might not be a lot of reason for her to hang around Annabel. If I were in Marilyn's shoes, I'd ask for a reassignment - pronto.

What are your thoughts about this? Thank you so much for all your valuable insight. 🙂

[Christopher Robin]

@QueenBethari You were probably talking to Dacy but I'll chime

in anyway and you can disregard it as necessary if I am way out in left field. 

 

I would say if the former they have more reason for their bond slowly building over time.

If the latter then you might need one BIG event that forcibly throws them together where their lives

(or sanity or hopes or reputation on campus etc etc) depend on each other.

 

So ask yourself would it serve the story better if they had a slow build up or a rapid transition? i.e. Would they

still doubt each other in moments of truth or would the trust be built in and only a big plot point could

shake their faith in each other. Is the story working to bring them together or tear them apart?

 

Will they reconcile?

 

Have those major directional points in place and things like how others see them

and what direction their relationship is moving in should sort themselves out organically.

 

For a third alternative you could go with a seemingly random circumstance or happening that

turns out to have meaning much later in the story (in a way that no one expected if you are fond of twists).

Like an identity mix-up or a seating assignment on a bus or they draw straws and are the only two to get the short straws.

The hand of fate kind of thing. That is a possibility more suited to foundation shaking reveals in the later acts.

 

This was probably a bunch of hooey but I hope it helps anyway.

 

 

Edited November 19, 2019 by Christopher Robin

[Dacy]

Really like what CR said.

 

Spoiler

Personally, I find the "both are outcasts" scenario to be a weak basis for friendship. Decide their character, decide their background, or I guess, decide how you want them to become friends (and if), and what sort of character or background would bring that about. There are reasons someone might befriend Annabel (if she allows it, does she want a friend?). Someone who likes to help others might. Someone who feels ordinary might feel drawn to someone who isn't. Most friendships are based on some commonality, maybe there's something these two actually have in common, other than a distant relationship. I have to wonder how it came to be that Marilyn is a lost cousin...from that town. Maybe she's not as ordinary as she seems. Maybe she's actually someone who might follow Annabel to protect her. Maybe she finds something interesting or fun about her. Maybe she's got a morbid sense of curiosity and likes to watch train wrecks. Maybe she's not really wanting to be friends, but feels duty bound. Maybe she's been repressed and is looking for some freedom. Truly there are a lot of options.

 

We can't neglect Annabel. I'm having a harder time, based on what I've seen so far, as to why Annabel would want Marilyn hanging around. She's clearly disappointed by Marilyn so far, and nothing in her evident personality and status so far indicates she wants a friend. Unless Marilyn proves to be more than meets the eye, or, Annabel feels sure there's more there that just needs to be discovered, Annabel needs something that would make her want to have Marilyn around. Or, maybe she doesn't care one way or the other and then it's all on Marilyn to chase Annabel, which she'd need a compelling reason to do so. Maybe there's something in the family history she knows that Annabel doesn't, that makes her need to keep tabs on what Annabel is doing.

 

So, I have a feeling I did not lessen the options you have...but you have several very interesting ways you could play this out. 🙂

 

 

Have fun 🙂

 

-Dacy

[QueenBethari]

Thanks so much, @Christopher Robin and @Dacy. You've really helped me a lot. I'm not so stuck inside my head anymore (hooray!)

Here's the next part of Marilyn and Annabel's story. I hope you guys enjoy it.

---

Student Orientation

The roommates made their way outdoors. Annabel twirled a flimsy umbrella over her shoulder. That gave Marilyn pause. The skies were a clear blue.  She asked, "Is it going to rain today?"
"No, silly. I'm a vampire." She held the umbrella at a rakish angle - which blocked out zero sun.
"Right."

Annabel didn't seem to hear. "The quad is this way," she said.

 

The "quad" was more of a triangle - a small grassy area with park benches and a couple trees. A woman with the biggest Afro Marilyn had ever seen stood under a tree. She was making notes on a clipboard. A group of about thirty students sat in a semicircle around her. "Gather around, Gifted Explorers," she said, gesturing to the grass.

Marilyn didn't relish the idea of sitting on the ground, especially when there were options that didn't cause grass stains. In protest, she selected a spot as far away from the teacher (and other students) as possible. 

Annabel did the opposite.

The teacher took no notice. "Listen up," she said. "I'm Ms. Pal, your school counselor. S.A.G.E. is no ordinary boarding school. We prize freedom and discovery, but there are some ground rules first."

The students groaned. A breathy voice whispered, "So bright, it burns!"

"Stop that. It tickles!" said Marilyn. She looked behind her. There was no one there.

 

Towards the front of the crowd, a hand shot up.
"Uh, Ms. Pal?" said Annabel, "Can I go inside? I have a severe sun allergy."
Ms. Pal rolled her eyes. "You may go to the Wellness Space. Take your buddy with you."
Annabel yanked Marilyn to her feet and dragged her inside the main school building. Marilyn had a ton of questions, but the first that came to her lips was, "What's a Wellness Space?"
Annabel laughed. "It's a glorified nurse's office. Let's go. They have lemon water."
Marilyn considered telling Annabel how odd it was for a vampire to drink something that wasn't blood, but decided against it. Lemon water sounded nice.

Edited November 20, 2019 by QueenBethari
The passage makes more sense now. :)

[Dacy]

Glad to see you moving ahead with speed!

 

A couple of small notes (stop reading here if you don’t want notes!) it took me a couple of readthroughs to understand which girl had said, “right”. The next sentence makes it pretty clear that Annabel did not say it, but personally I would love to see some identifying information with that statement as to who is saying it and perhaps in what manner they said it. Usually, when one character is speaking, I always give some indicator if the speaker changes. If two characters  have a conversation going back-and-forth, I will only do that once or twice, and then let the alternating sentences give the indication. 
 

A couple things needed clarity for me: why would Ms. Pal have sent Marilyn away at the same time she sent Annabel? That didn’t make sense. The other thing was, I wondered how it was that Annabel already knew what the wellness center was, and that it had lemon water. Clearly, this was an orientation, and that would be for new students. If Annabel is new, how does she know her way around, and if she is not new, why is she at the orientation?

 

Last small thought: The bit with the breathy voice, since it was talking about the sun burning, it seemed like that should be Annabel, but you didn’t specify. I would personally like to see it either noted that Annabel said that, or some indicator that maybe the voice couldn’t be tracked or it was somewhere nearby or something to indicate that it wasn’t a student. Also, I would love to see more reaction from Marilyn. She got tickled and no one was there. She heard a voice. Did her reactions to these things cause her to catch the attention of Ms. Pal? How she reacts to these things will tell me a lot about her personality. Also, I am assuming that these things are important, but without reactions, it’s kind of left hanging. Sort of like, “oh, well, that happened! But the important thing is, there’s lemon water at the wellness center!“ If the idea was to mention these things in passing because you don’t want to focus on them right now but you want to introduce the idea, help that along by maybe having Marilyn just shrug it off, or maybe it chills her, or maybe she decided she’s going to ignore it. Whatever she does, I’m sure there’s a reason for it, and that tells me something, too.

 

The more reactions and mannerisms we can see in your characters, the more we will be able to get to know them, and the more real they become. 😊

 

-Dacy

[QueenBethari]

32 minutes ago, Dacy said:

Glad to see you moving ahead with speed!

 

A couple of small notes (stop reading here if you don’t want notes!) it took me a couple of readthroughs to understand which girl had said, “right”. The next sentence makes it pretty clear that Annabel did not say it, but personally I would love to see some identifying information with that statement as to who is saying it and perhaps in what manner they said it. Usually, when one character is speaking, I always give some indicator if the speaker changes. If two characters  have a conversation going back-and-forth, I will only do that once or twice, and then let the alternating sentences give the indication. 
 

A couple things needed clarity for me: why would Ms. Pal have sent Marilyn away at the same time she sent Annabel? That didn’t make sense. The other thing was, I wondered how it was that Annabel already knew what the wellness center was, and that it had lemon water. Clearly, this was an orientation, and that would be for new students. If Annabel is new, how does she know her way around, and if she is not new, why is she at the orientation?

 

Last small thought: The bit with the breathy voice, since it was talking about the sun burning, it seemed like that should be Annabel, but you didn’t specify. I would personally like to see it either noted that Annabel said that, or some indicator that maybe the voice couldn’t be tracked or it was somewhere nearby or something to indicate that it wasn’t a student. Also, I would love to see more reaction from Marilyn. She got tickled and no one was there. She heard a voice. Did her reactions to these things cause her to catch the attention of Ms. Pal? How she reacts to these things will tell me a lot about her personality. Also, I am assuming that these things are important, but without reactions, it’s kind of left hanging. Sort of like, “oh, well, that happened! But the important thing is, there’s lemon water at the wellness center!“ If the idea was to mention these things in passing because you don’t want to focus on them right now but you want to introduce the idea, help that along by maybe having Marilyn just shrug it off, or maybe it chills her, or maybe she decided she’s going to ignore it. Whatever she does, I’m sure there’s a reason for it, and that tells me something, too.

 

The more reactions and mannerisms we can see in your characters, the more we will be able to get to know them, and the more real they become. 😊

 

-Dacy

Sorry it wasn't very clear. 😞

It took me several days to write that blurb - although it probably doesn't look like it. I made a detailed outline, then got overwhelmed by the details.

[Dacy]

It was good!! Just the one thing wasn’t clear, and the other stuff is just a matter of perhaps giving just a couple more details.  Take or leave the suggestions, they are just my opinion. 😊 I don’t want you to feel down on yourself or your work, just wanted to give you an outside perspective. Lots of times I need to write and then put it away and come back to it so I can see it with “fresh eyes”, because it’s only then that I can see what’s missing. It’s easy to skip over little details that help the reader see the whole picture because as an author, I already know what’s going on; review like that helps me make sure I’ve given enough so that the reader knows, too. So it’s merely an outside perspective on a few small things, fwiw. I’m excited to see where you will go with this, and I think it’s wonderful you are letting us in on your writing as you go. 
 

I understand the feeling of having something you worked hard on criticized, and I won’t give feedback like this if you’d rather not get it. Really, this was a matter of a small bit of polish on an otherwise sparkling piece. 😊

 

-Dacy 

[Kallisti]

I've written a few bits and pieces about my set of CoH characters over in the Roleplaying forum here:

 

They started off as slightly longer character bios which ended up on the website I built way back in the day on live about the Kallisti Girls which I've since resurrected (see link in sig). Since then, I've been expanding upon the stories, particularly about Kallisti the Friar who is currently my favourite (although don't tell Kallisti Gold - she was the original and would get jealous!).

 

There was one longer story I started writing and got quite a way into it before backing away as it was getting a bit too dark and heading in directions I didn't think suitable for this sort of forum! I used to write a lot back in the day and had some stuff published back in the last century 🙂 but got distracted by other things until CoH and that rekindled my interest. It helps to have an interesting and fun group of people to write about!

 

[QueenBethari]

1 hour ago, Dacy said:

It was good!! Just the one thing wasn’t clear, and the other stuff is just a matter of perhaps giving just a couple more details.  Take or leave the suggestions, they are just my opinion. 😊 I don’t want you to feel down on yourself or your work, just wanted to give you an outside perspective. Lots of times I need to write and then put it away and come back to it so I can see it with “fresh eyes”, because it’s only then that I can see what’s missing. It’s easy to skip over little details that help the reader see the whole picture because as an author, I already know what’s going on; review like that helps me make sure I’ve given enough so that the reader knows, too. So it’s merely an outside perspective on a few small things, fwiw. I’m excited to see where you will go with this, and I think it’s wonderful you are letting us in on your writing as you go. 
 

I understand the feeling of having something you worked hard on criticized, and I won’t give feedback like this if you’d rather not get it. Really, this was a matter of a small bit of polish on an otherwise sparkling piece. 😊

 

-Dacy 

I think I just overreacted. I love your input and I will be revising this piece in a couple days. 😄

[Dacy]

No, for an overreaction, scroll up...You barely showed the reaction I am pretty sure you had, but it was enough for me to understand how you were feeling, because been there, felt that. 🤗

 

And some days, it's just hard to hear anything but, WOW, that was AWESOME. 🙂 Which it was, and I should have made that more clear. 🙂

 

Also, be clear, YOU are putting in an awesome amount of effort, and I congratulate you on how much work you are putting into your writing. It shows. 🙂

 

-Dacy

[iynx]

340 days to lockdown

agent of chaos

 

”Katjuska!”

 

Dr. Irina Fine was pulling her wheeled luggage behind her, hurrying to the gate of her flight. She was at Paragon’s airport, talking to her phone, while not running, but walking in a fast manner.

 

”Irina! So nice to hear from you, too bad you didn’t visit me during your visit to my home town”, answered a voice on Irina’s phone.

 

”I just got a call from Miller’s Probations. You turned her down. Now they are going to give her case to just someone”, said Irina to the phone, trying to keep up the pace with the crowd walking with her.

 

”That Spirit girl? I wonder who will be the unlucky one to get that patient. Or fool enough to accept her”, wondered the voice on the phone.

 

”You are a superhero, why won’t you help one of your own?”

 

Irina had to change her phone to her other hand. Her luggage, while on wheels, was heavy to pull. She missed the beginning part of Katja’s answer:

 

”...are many reasons. Firstly, I don’t take a patient who has no hope. There is no use to get attached to someone who will get the needle anyway.”

 

”She has a chance to live and you know it. She needs help to get into a Hero Academy and stay clear for a year. You can help her to do that.”

 

There was a short pause, like calm before a storm. Irina knew her sister, and knew what was coming, and thus held her phone a bit farther away when Katja exploded:

 

”Irinovska, what the [censored] are you suggesting, and why?! Why did you even get mixed up with her?!”

 

”Because she is a hero!!!”, clapped Irina back at Katja. She knew there was going to be a yes-no exchange. Like always:

 

”No. She is not.”

 

”She saved more lives than you ever!”

 

”That alone, does NOT make her a hero.”

 

”Explain, Katjuska. You are a hero. Explain what makes you a hero and not her.”

 

”Irinovska, I know the difference between right and wrong. She does not.”

 

”Saving lives sounds like a lot of right to me.”

 

”Pulling bowstring and aiming an arrow at an unarmed civilian does not. The Ironbay case.”

 

”He is a bully and douche. And she didn’t shoot him”, Irina huffed.

 

”It is not illegal to be an asshole. He is a bully yes, but not a criminal. Threatening someone with a weapon, however, is a crime. Also, she posted a video of that on her own videosite. And then she acted surprised when the police came to arrest her. You know, I watched her videos when they were still online. On one of them, she lectured how there is an infinite amount of personal Truths, one to each one person, and those Truths are all true at the same time, even if they are conflicting with each other. In short: everyone is right and nobody is wrong! Except, of course, in the case someone holds a ”Truth” the Spirit girl doesn’t like herself. How could she learn to know right from wrong, if she doesn’t even know truth from false? The way she views the world, is bizarre at best.”

 

Katja had a point. And a sharp one. Irina had interviewed Proud, as much as she could.

 

”She is a hero to many”, told Irina to Katja, only to hear Katja scoffing her answer:

 

”True. Fuzzbead News ranked her on some of their lists. Puffington published an opinion piece of her. Oh yes, she had a cult following on social media, before it was all taken down. But really, she is just an agent of chaos, wanting to push this world into total madness. That, of course, would make us many, many more new patients.”

 

”Katja. That is not funny.”

 

”It is not. Finally you understand it yourself, Novska.”

 

”She deserves her second chance, Katjuska. She really does.”

 

”She already had it. And her third, fourth, and even fifth chance. And she blew them all. Why do you keep siding with this girl?”

 

”Because she needs help. Katjuska, I’ve met her. I’ve seen how she genuinely regrets her crime.”

 

”Oh? So now she regrets? It took her own-”

 

”ATTENTION ALL PASSANGERS. ALL UNATTENDED LUGGAGE...”

 

A loud announcement made Irina hunch over on an instinct, pushing her phone nearer to her ear. But even then, she could hear only the end part of Katja’s answer:

 

”...and I don’t believe that’s regret she is exhibiting: she lost the only person who truly cared about her, and she is moping only because of that: a loss of something she previously had. She does not necessarily understand, nor is willing to admit, that she did something wrong.”

 

”I’ve met her, you have not”, said Irina.

 

”And I never will. I can turn myself into stone and punch holes into a concrete wall. But I refuse to go anywhere near that girl. Not to mention of being in a room alone with her. Good luck finding someone willing to help her.”

 

Katja’s answer sounded final. The queue in front of Irina was standing still. Irina stopped too, and positioned her phone better on her ear. Then she spoke:

 

”Katjuska, you say you are a hero, when you know the difference between right and wrong? Okay? Then tell me this: do you think it is a right thing to do, when you refuse to help someone in need? You can help her, you just don’t want to, you scared, selfish little [censored].”

 

Irina clammed up. The last word of her sentence, and the way how unpleasantly she had said that, had caught attention of people around her. When Katja didn’t answer, Irina continued:

 

”Katjuska, are you a hero, who helps anyone in true need of help? Or are you just someone who decides who is worthy enough to be helped?”

 

Again, Katja remained silent for a very long time. Irina was standing in a line, and just holding the phone against her ear, waiting Katja to answer. Then, Katja answered:

 

”No. My answer stays. I will not go anywhere near her. Ever. But there is someone, who might. Believe me, there are not many to take this case, but I know one. It’s a longshot, but that’s all I can do for you. Novskaja, I’ll send the phone number via a text.”

 

Few minutes later Irina received the phone number of a doctor Katja knew. Someone, who perhaps would help.

[Dacy]

Iynx, you have a talent for building intrigue. 🙂 Well done!

 

-Dacy

[QueenBethari]

2 hours ago, Dacy said:

Iynx, you have a talent for building intrigue. 🙂 Well done!

 

-Dacy

@iynxI agree with Dacy. I could just feel the tension!

[QueenBethari]

Hey, @Dacy! Here is a quick revision of Student Orientation. The changes have been highlighted in green. I hope the passage flows better. 

 

Sorry for the double post. 😅

On 11/20/2019 at 10:37 AM, QueenBethari said:

Student Orientation

The roommates made their way outdoors. Annabel twirled a flimsy umbrella over her shoulder. That gave Marilyn pause. The skies were a clear blue.  She asked, "Is it going to rain today?"
"No," said Annabel. "I'm a vampire." She held the umbrella at a rakish angle that blocked out zero sun.
"Right," Marilyn said.

Annabel didn't seem to hear. "The quad is this way," she said.

 

The "quad" was more of a triangle - a small grassy area with park benches and a couple trees. A woman with the biggest Afro Marilyn had ever seen stood under a tree. She was making notes on a clipboard. A group of about thirty students sat in a semicircle around her. "Gather around, Gifted Explorers," she said, gesturing to the grass.

Marilyn didn't relish the idea of sitting on the ground, especially when there were options that didn't cause grass stains. In protest, she selected a spot as far away from the teacher (and other students) as possible. 

Annabel tried to squeeze into the throng of students, open umbrella notwithstanding. She thwacked half a dozen students with the implement before giving up. She took a seat next to Marilyn - thankfully, just out of thwacking distance.

The teacher took no notice. "Listen up," she said. "I'm Ms. Pal, your school counselor. S.A.G.E. is no ordinary boarding school. We prize freedom and discovery, but there are some ground rules first."

The students groaned. A breathy voice whispered, "So bright, it burns!"

Marilyn turned to Annabel. "I'm trying to hear the teacher," she said.

"What?" Annabel replied.

"Didn't you just say something?"

Annabel shook her head.

Marilyn's face burned. It wasn't even her first day at school and she was already being picked on. She wished she had never left Arkham. She wished she had stayed home.

 

Seconds later, a hand shot up.
"Uh, Ms. Pal?" said Annabel, "Can I go inside? I have a severe sun allergy."
Ms. Pal sighed. "You may go to the Wellness Space. Take your buddy with you."
Annabel yanked Marilyn to her feet. She dragged her inside the main school building. Marilyn wasn't sure whether to be grateful or furious. "What did you do that for?" she asked.

The "vampire" rolled her eyes. "Who wants to sit in the dirt and read the student handbook? We went over all that stuff when I toured in the spring."

Marilyn smiled. Maybe, just maybe, they could be friends after all. "What's a "wellness space", then?" 
Annabel laughed. "It's a glorified nurse's office. Let's go. They have lemon water."
Marilyn considered telling Annabel how odd it was for a vampire to drink something that wasn't blood, but decided against it. Lemon water sounded nice.

 

Edited December 3, 2019 by QueenBethari
Superfluous!

[Dacy]

Yes, the flow is much better!

 

We saw much more of Marilyn here, and more of Annabel, too. I loved the section where Annabel is thwacking students with the parasol. I misread it the first time, thought she was doing that to sit next to Marilyn, and that confused me because you specifically said Marilyn was seated away from the others, but I got it the second time through. 🙂

 

I like descriptions like "yanked", "rolled her eyes" and " 'vampire' ", they give more of a picture of how something was done. I'd even like to see even a touch more of that...for instance, I can think of several ways Marilyn might have said, "Right." Did she carefully resist showing a reaction and keep her tone neutral, not that Annabel was paying attention to that stuff anyway? Did she roll her eyes and say it sarcastically?  Did she say it in a long suffering sort of way, with a sigh, like, here we go, I guess my dream of a normal roommate is dust in the sunlight? Did she say it expectantly, waiting for the rest of the joke? You get the idea. I want to know what you're seeing them do, like facial expressions, how something was said. 🙂 The more you can give the  reader, in small things, like "yanked", etc, words that are both descriptive and move the plot forward, short add ons to the overall story. "Right!" Marilyn barked with a laugh. Doesn't add much in words, but does in terms of description. But yes, I love how much you added, it really perked it up, too!

 

My reaction to Marilyn feeling all put upon from just the fact that Annabel says she didn't say anything was, whoa, this chick's got some issues. That's not a normal reaction... And again, when suddenly, oh look, we actually can be friends, maybe....quick switch up. Is Marilyn that given to extremes and quick emotional swings? Or if not, is there maybe more you could show there that shows how she got to that thought?

 

I "punched up" the short bit when Marilyn hears the voice (great touch, btw, interested to see where that goes!). I'm putting it in spoilers, read it or don't, but it's just adding in some of the descriptive touches I spoke of earlier, plus adding something to make Marilyn's reaction make more sense to me, if she is supposed to make sense (and for purpose of demonstration, that's the direction I'm going). My additions/changes are in red. Take it with a grain of salt, it's only my opinion, and your work is good the way it is, too. 🙂

 

Spoiler

Marilyn turned to Annabel. "I'm trying to hear the teacher," she hissed quietly.

"What?" Annabel replied, much more loudly than Marilyn would have liked.

"Didn't you just say something?"

"No," Annabel replied, still too loudly. Annabel shook her head, and gave her a look.  Other heads turned. Someone snickered.

Marilyn's face burned. It wasn't even her first day at school and she was already being picked on. She wished she had never left Arkham. She wished she had stayed home.

 

 

Great job on the rewrite! 🙂

 

-Dacy

[QueenBethari]

Thanks, @Dacy for reading it again! I really like your ideas, especially the part about other people snickering. It makes the next sentence make more sense!

 

Reading it again, it does look like Marilyn changes her mind too quickly (and for no reason). Thanks for pointing that out!