First time AE Mission Maker

[raven9864]

Hi Everyone, 

 

I've made my first set of AE missions. Its a story arc set in a sci fi/Horror setting. Its not terribly elaborate, and not intended for farming in the way most people think. It's a 4 part story arc that relies on story and atmosphere for enjoyment rather than xp or INF.

 

I would really appreciate some folks checking it out and giving me some honest, BUT NOT MEAN, feedback. Please give ratings at the end of the mish, and feedback here if you like.

 

Its called "The Grave and the Old".

 

I hope you like it.

 

~Paws

[cranebump]

Hey, @raven9864! Welcome to the pain!:-) 

 

Of course, I refer to the sweet, sweet pain of making the limited AE builder work wonders in spite of itself. I’ll give your arc a run Friday morning. 
 

little advice: don’t ever let random negative comments stick. Take good advice. View obstacles and flaws as temporary problems seeking (and having) a solution. When wrestling with the AE creator, follow the path of water-that is, don’t fixate on what it can’t do, but work with what it does do. 
 

Finally, and most importantly -steal. Steal every good idea you see. This ain’t rocket science. Tell a good story. Enjoy the process. Grow from the mistakes.

 

and, once again, welcome.

Edited May 25, 2023 by cranebump

[Clave Dark 5]

  On 5/25/2023 at 12:00 AM, cranebump said:

Finally, and most importantly -steal. Steal every good idea you see.

Expand  

*yoink*

[raven9864]

  On 5/25/2023 at 12:00 AM, cranebump said:

Hey, @raven9864! Welcome to the pain!:-) 

 

Of course, I refer to the sweet, sweet pain of making the limited AE builder work wonders in spite of itself. I’ll give your arc a run Friday morning. 
 

little advice: don’t ever let random negative comments stick. Take good advice. View obstacles and flaws as temporary problems seeking (and having) a solution. When wrestling with the AE creator, follow the path of water-that is, don’t fixate on what it can’t so, but work with what it does do. 
 

Finally, and most importantly -steal. Steal every good idea you see. This ain’t rocket science. Tell a good story. Enjoy the process. Grow from the mistakes.

 

and, once again, welcome.

Expand  

Thank you very much for the advice, and for giving it a try soon.

 

Paws

[Zhym]

I ran through the first three missions tonight and started on the fourth, but...well, I didn't finish it.  I'll explain why in a moment, but first of all, well done on even trying to put a story-focused arc together.  The more story authors, the better!

 

Now, about why I didn't finish: I'm not a fan of defeat-all missions.  And it turns out that every mission in this arc is a defeat-all.  The third mission was on a pretty big Crey map; when I started the last mission and saw that it was also a defeat-all, on a large sewer map, that was when I noped out.  Sorry.  My biggest suggestion is to reconsider whether any of these missions need to be defeat-all. 

 

More generally, I think your arc would benefit from a little more text.  Story-focused AE arcs need text to get the story across, and I think your arc is a little light on the narrative.  I was never quite sure what I was doing or why; more explanation would help with that.  That's especially true of something where you are trying to build atmosphere.  The maps are the maps, so the way you build atmosphere is with the introductory text and, to some extent, the NPC dialog.  Don't be afraid to type a novel—the AE character limits will prevent that anyway.  And story-mode AE players are a lot more tolerant of reading than are most players.

 

On a related note, I'd suggest using fewer clues, but having each clue contain more information.  It seemed like many of the clues were just telling me my PC's reaction to something (which many people see as a no-no anyway).  So make each clue meaningful and develop part of the story you're trying to tell.

 

Some other thoughts:

• As @cranebump will attest, I'm not a fan of timed missions.  So when I found out that the second mission was a timed defeat-all, I almost noped out there. :)
• In the third mission, there's a typo in the mission objective text—it started out reading, "4 4 Cannisters to destroy," then after I destroyed one it said "3 4 Cannisters to destroy," etc.
• The General Manager dialog was fun.
• If you can, try to set a consistent level range for the arc.  I know that can be hard to do given the level limits for various mobs, but unless there's a decent story-based reason for it it's better to avoid too much bouncing around between levels in one arc.
• This is related to the "more text" comment above, but I wasn't sure if I was supposed to know who Steelgrave and "The Trust Fund" were.  They were referred to as if they were known quantities, but I don't recall having been told who they were.

I think you've got the bones of a good arc here.  It just needs a little more attention to the text (and losing the defeat-alls and the timer. )

[cranebump]

Okay, I'm doing the run through now. I have a lot of notes and comments that I hope are helpful. Remember, this is a work in progress. Any feedback we offer is to help you improve your product. So, let's start with general notes:

 

General notes:
Timed Mishes: Really have to be careful about these, since this is not a favorite of player objectives. In general, I’d say (1) There needs to be a good story reason for a defeat all (ex: We can’t let any of them get back to HQ!); (2) the map matters (small, uncomplicated ones are better); and (3) Don’t add a timer to a Defeat All-it’s too easy to lose track of say, one runner. I should add 4: If I fail a defeat all, with a story mission to defeat all, then how does me failing affect the next mission? Since you can’t add a branching storyline for success/failure, it’s probably best just to remove the timer, mainly to take the onus off you on explaining how my failure has harmed the overall mission.

 

Different levels on mishes: @Zhym's right. Better not to have too much level hopping. You can drop me to 22, but it’s better to keep me there, so I can settle into what powers I have available, and how I can use them to approach your enemies. If you ARE going to have a level differentiation, have a reason for it (EX: They’re using power dampeners in there, so be careful, or It was early in your career when you met Hugo…[followed by other mishes with text showing time passage]).

 

Think like an author first, then as a designer: Basic questions to think of=Who are the characters? What do they want? What’s in the way of them getting it? It’s likely the player character in the way, which is fine. Often, it’s the contact. Sometimes, it’s something we’re trying to figure out. But you, as the story teller must know the answers to the central 3 questions, above. Then, bring me into it, and unravel it as I go. 

 

As you continue to follow the tenants of storytelling, within this small, creative space, maintain solid plot structure: Stories can flow in different ways, but typically, for this truncated format, you usually need: (1) Inciting incident: What happens to draw me in? Think En Medias Res: You arrive at the bank, sirens blaring. Three PPD are down, wounded, peppered with arrows. A bystander yells “It’s Manticore! He’s gone crazy!” Make me ask questions: What's up with Manti? Was it REALLY Manti? 

 

(2)  Add complications: So I’ve taken care of X, but what about Y, the next mish that X leads me to? EX: In Mish 1 (i.e., 'X'), I just discovered (clue).  So it wasn’t Manticore, but it looked exactly like him. And this is definitely his tech they’re using. How did they get it? And why are they acting like Manti? Let’s go ask him – whoops…he’s gone. Suddenly both Y and, later, Z just got more complicated. I have a mystery.

 

(3) A Twist: have something unexpected happen. Someone’s trying to take over Wyvern (well, maybe), and has taken Manti prisoner! (most likely) What? It’s his illegitimate son?

 

(4) Unravel complications and conclude. Poor, neglected "Manti, Jr." (who was actually a Manti clone, but with a daddy complex [I just stole the Ultron plot/ethos]. Too bad we had to beat his ass [and his mind-altered dad’s maybe?).

 

If it's a story arc, you need the story first. AE is the vehicle for telling it (which means the details may change, depending on map selections, and all sorts of other niggling and annoying AE limitations.

 

Now, on to Mish 1.

Edited May 26, 2023 by cranebump

[cranebump]

Mission 1. I'll hide notes to avoid spoilers.

  Reveal hidden contents

Mission titles: put them in a different color than text. Typical mish color is Sky Blue. I like to boldface the Arc title, and use “Large” text scale. This is a reminder of what we’re running, and sort of an advertisement for your arc. On this: (1) Mission titles can be Clues (think about how you can allude to something in mish, via title); (2) mission titles can provide atmosphere, or tie your arc together thematically [Ex: In my Dempsey’s Hard 8 arc, I treated Paula Dempsey as something of a gambler, so I used Poker terminology in the mish titles [Ante, Raise, Call, etc.]).

 

Onward with M1

 

Okay, I see what Zhym means about adding text. My intro is this:

First, how did Lojac find me? Do we know each other? Has he heard of me? What makes him think I’m the one for the job? You’ve got 1,000 characters to draw me in to the mission. Part of that is acknowledging my character. This is lvl 19-22, so maybe allude to something I might have accomplished early on (something most players know about or have done).  

 

Something like: “$Name! Thanks for answering my call. I heard about what you did in that whole Clockwork King thing. I figured, if $heshe can handle that, they can certainly help me (us?) out.” Then you might get into who this is, and why they’re interested in what’s happening.*

 

*After playing this, I think (maybe) you could put a note in the intro about Doc Vahz or something (from Pos2, which, if I'm L19 I might have played, or this could happen BEFORE Pos2). This makes me familiar with the Doc's work. That said, I assume the Doc's in the Zig after Pos2, so how would he be active? Anyhoo, an opportunity to foreshadow. I think placing it chronologically before he's taken out in the Dam encounter might work for you.

 

Anyhoo, on all this intro verbiage, remember: This. Stuff. Matters. If the contact has a personal stake, it changes their behavior. So, give me some info about that. Some of it you can drop in the contact’s bio. In this particular case, you gave us this:

Nice nugget. “Neo-dead” hints at what I might be getting into. But we’re missing the tie-in, which you can provide in the intro. EX: Elderly patients are disappearing from hospitals all over Paragon. One of them happens to be my father. My partner, X-52, has determined that…*

 

*Questions prompted by your intro: 

• Why haven’t more people noticed this? Might add. “Whoever’s taking them has been very clever about it.” Then tell me why Lojac has noticed when others have not.
• Who the hell is X-52? We haven’t been introduced, so let’s not assume I just know this guy. If you use a well-known NPC super, then, no problem. As far as I can tell, X-52 is a custom?
• There’s 2 of you. 2 Labs. Why do you need me? Maybe Lojac and X-52 are known villains/rogues, and they need someone who can get around Paragon City. Which means I’m working with bad guys for a good cause. Which means maybe we won’t really like each other at first, because Lojac thinks heroes are soft or something (see where we’re going with this? Characters drive your story, turning it into something other than Map X, filled with Enemies A, B and C.

 

Our lack of detail continues in the send off screen:

Holy hell. When did this happen? Why did this happen?  (I think this happened because (a) you want me to lose contact with them and go looking for them after mish [in which case I think lost contact should be an M2 seed, or (b) You got lazy here, and didn't want to write a send off? (that's an impression, that you really want to avoid)

 

Speaking of, this absence/them-in-combat-and-not-talking-to-me affects my current mission,: If I was talking to Lojac in person, and they’re suddenly in a fight, then am I not standing right there, and in the fight, too? If so, shouldn’t we have introduced that we were standing in a warehouse or something, when suddenly the enemy popped in? And how did they know we were there? This means maybe Lojac is actually hiring me as a bodyguard maybe? After play NOTE: I go into the 2nd lab, and the aforementioned combat has no bearing on it. Which means it's not a strong detail, because it doesn't push the story forward. Aristotle's Poetics: don't introduce plot details that aren't essential.

 

Since all-of-a-sudden-combat has occurred, I recommend the contact has called me, and then the transmission gets cut off, and they’re in combat. They call on me for help. Matter of fact, this might be batter way to start your arc: I receive a transmission from someone needing help. I dive in, help them out, they introduce themselves, tell me they were looking into disappearances. They’re actually Rogues, and maybe they were being pursued by PPD, too, so they could use my help (because one of them is actually looking for their father or grandfather [which maybe we find out later on as a twist]). I decide to help because their cause is righteous, even though they are not.

 

BIG TAKEAWAY: This is the main issue you’re going to need to solve, if you want your story to resonate. The initial run shows a basic understanding of placing objectives (though it doesn't show an effective use of how to deliver the clues you want me to have (not yet anyway) [see below]/

 

Entry: Moaning clue. Nice add. Atmosphere.

 

Objectives:

Am I freeing Dr. Kraven? Or is he a boss? If freeing, put “and” between Widow and Kraven. If boss, add Defeat, or Question, or Confront, or whatever you need me to do.

 

Why do I need to clear the lab? (maybe a virus needs to be contained?). This has no reason to be a Clear All at the moment. After play NOTE: At this point, we are unaware of chemicals introduced later, so we should not be defeating all, unless you can come up with a reason (other than, I just want the player to kill all).

 

Enemies are clues: So, right now, with the appearance of Vahzilok, you've got me thinking, Doc Vahz? That’s GOOD! Whether I’m right or wrong at this point doesn’t matter, because you have me wondering/thinking. After play NOTE: The entire arc does not need traditional Vazh in it. You can introduce their involvement via a glowie that indicates Kraven is using their serums/devices/theories, etc. If you drop them, you can reaise level to the 30s, which puts it in line with the other missions.

 

Ghouls: If these are Praet ghouls, this changes things. If you’re using them as customs, rewrite the creature bios. I think this is your intent. I also think you'd be better served using plain Vahz as fetchs who bring in the elderly, and the customs as the result of them being transformed. Drop the Ghouls, unless there's a Praet angle I'm going to see later (if so, scratch everything I just wrote here).

 

Clues: Use them to give me insight into the story. For example, this:

That’s a good clue. This next one, though...

...is not. No need to summarize what I just experienced. There are better uses of Clue space. And, unless the player keeps their Clue box open at all times, you're making them click on the Nav box to read something that serves no real purpose.

 

NOTE: Also, in Jenkin's victim release text, she offered me a cookie. That’s okay, and it’s sorta funny. But, damn, she’s chipper after beving been surrounded by those fuglies, isn’t she? Right now, you want me to be wary of nasty dead things, so be wary of breaking immersion (I do like the funny, though, so keep that, but be selective).

 

By the way, nice ambush. The knockdown is really messing with my blaster.

 

More Vahz. I feel rewarded for my insight.:-) I do, but Vahz are not needed to show up in person (see above).

 

So by this time, I’m getting used to the Embalmanation KB, and devising strategy to combat them. I have AR, so I use my own KBs on them, ice arrow some of them, and snipe one-shot them when I can. If I don’t do that, they can be a pain. This is a good custom at this level, because I can’t just plow through. Nice job.

 

After one-shotting boss (snipe!), we get some insight through Boss text:

So this ties together nicely. However, placing this key clue on a boss means that, if I don’t read this, the clue disappears. I think this info needs to be revealed through a glowie. Further, I don’t think I’d reveal the Doc’s full presence yet. I’d make it look like that perhaps someone else is using similar abilities or something, then reveal it’s him. Which means I might not include the regular Vahz just yet. Give every clue that it’s his work, but maybesave the reveal, so I can have an ah-ha! Moment. Just my 2 cents. NOTE: Dr. Vahz should not be personally involved, based on the rest of the story. Kraven s your big bad.

 

And we’re done. Couple notes:

 

Check your clue order:

Widow Jenkins would be one of my earliest clues. It’s down there next to last. Wherever your clues are place on the editor (on Tab 2 of the mish), they’ll appear. Slide them into proper order, so they reveal beneath each other as you go. I like to number mine sequentially through mish, and call optional clues “Bonus.” @Darmian gives clues from different mishes different colors. Whatever the case, you don’t want me scrolling up and down too much to read them, esp if I end up with a lot of clues.

 

Couple more things:

Nice. But this doesn't serve the story. It would work great as a finale message. But right now, sooo many questions. For example:

Who the hell is "Strike Force Alpha?" And why do I care if Lojac is proud of me? We don't even know each other.

 

NOTE: I should mention here, that I DO like the mish title: Lab Grown Horror. Thematic, and a "clue" of sorts. Now, put it in Sky Blue.:-)

 

On the whole, outside the lack of a framing device, the mish isn’t bad. It’s a good map. But think about this:

 

*Lojac and X-52 are in combat. I expected to see them. What you meant on send off was that they can’t talk to me due to what they’re up to. So maybe we have their transmission cut out? Or just have him send me off with a “We’ll meet up here when we’re done,” or something.

 

*I rescued 1 elderly person. 1. I assume the rest were turned into these creatures? If so, make that obvious. Put a glowie in, like that arachnos machine with the tubes. Place a body in it, in the middle of being transformed. I as too late maybe? If so, I now have added incentive to put a stop to this heinous activity. THAT’s my entry point now, if I’m a hero.

 

This was a LOT of feedback. Assuming the lack of text/good clues is pervasive, we won't revisit it. On that: if your mish mechanics are strong, this is actually a plus, when it comes to editing. Adding text and such is simpler than trying to get your spawns to work right. So, while you have some scripting to do, I'd rather be working there than trying to figure out why my Boss is popping in the wrong area all the time.

 

STRENGTHS:

*Basic understanding of the editor

*Cleanly written

*Good custom group

*The PREMISE is excellent.

 

TWEAKS:

*It's thin on story. Thin on characterization of your contact. It hasn't addressed why I'm getting involved. It can't just be, I'm a HERO! This puts the onus on me, when it's actually your job, as the author, to give me a reason to connect.

 

You've got some strengths here. Hew to them, and work on the storytelling.

 

On to rest of arc.
 

 

Edited May 26, 2023 by cranebump

[cranebump]

Mish 2

  Reveal hidden contents

Intro is nice, clear. Direct about objectives.

 

Accept text should be character-centered. Rather thanGet to the docks, maybe change to I better get to the docks! or Guess I better get there quick, huh? Then have contact acknowledge that. Either that, or just put Accept the task. FYI: Some players don't like putting words in their character's mouths (or thoughts in their head). It's okay with me, but be wary of that.

 

FYI: After saying get there quick, Lojac says: "You getter move quick." Sooooo...rethink the Accept text. Otherwise, there's an echo in here, man.:-)

 

General note: Avoid overusing exclamation points in Nav text. Save it for character dialogue.

 

Mish begin clue: works better in a popup. MAKE me read it when I enter.

 

Steelgrave: who is this? Intimates he was a hero. We need a clue in his bio.

 

END: Took me about 15 minutes to clear, but I'm playing with several AoE's and I'm quick. If this must be timed, move it to 45 minutes or an hour. FYI: Since it was Defeat All, it sorta plays like a finale. Stop the shipment, arrest everybody. That said: I don't know anything about the chemicals before now. When did we discover this was something we needed to do? I'm on a Strike Force? When did I agree to that? NOTE: If you want to enlist me with authority, make the contact someone in authority that I feel I can trust. I DO like the idea of working with shady elements as a story device. But this is not how the story is running. It's running as if I know everyone and just want to work with them with no reservations. You haven't convinced me of that.

 

Verdict and Recs: Mechanics are solid. Eliminate Defeat All. Link the chemicals to the overall plot by having them as something I discover on site. EX: I'm sent after the Embalms, where I disover Crey is involved (complication, with questions: why are they here? Who will I face now? Speaking of, if Crey IS here, shouldn't I be fighting a Crey boss?). Basic rule of thumb in storytelling: don't confuse your audience. You can red herring them, but, at some point, there needs to be some explanation. So far, I don't have enough to go on.

 

 

M3 

  Reveal hidden contents

Okay, we've got good internal consistency here. 3 Labs, 3 of us. I take one of them. My contact doesn't seem surprised Crey's involved. Why not? And are they working WITH Vahz, or making USE of Vahz methods? If so, why? NOTE: Crey is going to be smart enough to deflect attention. They'll be maintaining deniability After play NOTE: You smaryy had them do just that via them attempting to destroy the mini labs . It's what insidious Corporations do.:-) Remember: Who are they? What do they want? What's in their way? Add in how they approach the problem. Think like the bad guys. They're not stupid (except maybe they overlook that one thing--the hero, of course).:-)

 

Drop the exclamation from the Mish objective.

 

Another defeat all. Maybe I can arrest the boss, and they can name names and the PPD can go pick them up? Just suggesting...

 

Clue: how about we glowie this:

Argh. I stop to write a note and the ambush kills me. Derrrrr.... What sucks is I saw the text indicating they were coming. Bad cranebump. You are stupid.:-)

 

I'm guessing these Custodians are customs. And they are a BEAR. Nice job. APN: These guys need to appear MORE OFTEN.

 

Mother of God, it's a big map. 

 

Zhym noted this already, but:

Multiple destroys will insert the number for you, and maintain the countdown. NOTE: I'd just put Defeat All Crey, or Arrest everyone.

 

Your critter text is very good. Also like the fact that the perps are acting with a purpose (destroy everything!) . NOTE: I'd use MORE Custodians, unless we're hinting at seeing them later. They're tough.

 

I'm not sure why I feel worried, but you're telling me I should be, so...NOTE: Have your contact voice this emotion. Otherwise, you're violating @Kyksie's "ocelot rule." (which I can really see his point right now).

 

Except for having to backtrack through the map, and the issues with the objective text, above, it's solid. But your signature customs, who can be scary, don't appear enough to make me actually worried. I think if I have to think about them, I'll feel the way you'd like me to. Because those guys threw down some dmg.

 

Moving on to Finale:

  Reveal hidden contents

Hang on a minute. CREY is pouring this shit into the sewers? Okay, nice twist. But, why CREY? Wouldn't Doc Vahz be more suited, since all that "brave new world of great stuff I made" he's all about? I feel like this isn't Crey's M.O. So who is actually behind all this? Them's my questions, before I activate the timer and take on sludge. APN: Kraven is pouring this shit into the sewers because he wants _________. This makes a LOT more sense, story-wise. Crey just wants it to go away. They wouldn't put it in the sewers, because then they're liable and here comes a lawsuit.

 

NOW another group, The Trust Fund. Who ARE these guys? Why am I just now hearing about them? Does it MATTER that I'm hearing about them? (hint: it SHOULD, kemosabe - I WANT to know about them. You just won't tell me about them...you hate me {sniff}).:-)

 

Hey! No timer! Good call. 

 

I LOVE the entry pop (hehehehe)

+500.:-)

 

Objective should be Stop Kraven, or Defeat Kraven or something like that. I feel like I should know his name before I go in, though, which goes back to making your story side deeper and more detailed.

 

Rename the Hydra standards as "Sludges" (or something) and give them a custom bio. I'd also recolor them. They're not the standard game entities, right? So make them "Customs" by doing what you can in the editor. FYI; SMART to customize standards in this way. Saves you work.

 

FYI: You DO have a reason to clear all here. These things cannot be allowed to escape, especially if you establish earlier on that what they do is communicable in some way. Again: story. You have the mechanical design chops already to make this effective. APN: In general, a Defeat All works MUCH better once it's been established that there's a REAL need to. Stopping the equivalent of an infection here, in the finale, with a SINGLE Defeat All in your capstone shouldn't put off your player at that point. I think even @Zhym would give you the benefit of the doubt if you did it this way.

 

It occurs to me here that, if Vahz do not appear in finale, theyare not needed in M1. Which means you could run all this in the 30s, since Crey, Hydra, and Customs fit that range. NOTE: I like your map choice here, btw. You descend deeper, which gives a feeling of unease. Good choice.

 

WTF? Who is this old woman? So "Vschone" is a play on vaccine? If so, nice touch. Ambush was unexpected and tough. Had to lay down glue, then autofire after I i got oriented. They were RIGHT ON TOP OF ME (good job).

 

Okay, I can't tell if I need to escort Vschone. Make that clear. Otherwise, I'm just running out. Her verbiage after I lost her indicates this, but it needs to be a Nav obj.

 

Kansas quote=nice. I am now an honorary Winchester.:-)

 

And done. 

 

Edited May 26, 2023 by cranebump

[cranebump]

Final notes and verdict.

 

Let's start with strengths:

• Mechanically, you know what you're doing. Your objectives are straightforward, and easy to follow.
• Your Customs are excellent. Easy to get your ass handed to you if you aren't on your toes. Use of ambushes was judicious and caused some nice (nasty) surprises.
• Critter text is, by and large, excellent.
• By and large, the maps work with your intent. What mucks that up is having to defeat everything, all the time. In and of themselves, they're good choices (and finale map is excellent, imho).
• There's an interesting premise here, with various entities involved in the overarching plot.
• As @Zhym noted, good bones.

Now, to the work:

  Reveal hidden contents

• The STORY, hombre. The story is disconnected. Your main twist is there. Mother Vschone. Her son is behind everything. Why? I'm not sure. Hell, make that I have no idea. I don't know what the bad guy's motives are at all. I don't know why Crey is involved. Was Kraven a former Crey? Why is he so twisted? Why does Crey get the chemicals, then dump them? DId they develop them, and Kraven results, so it's We've got a Frankenstein's monster, so let's get rid of all this shit, pronto? If so, why aren't THEY after him? Why are they dumping the chemicals, when they wanted to destroy them? See what I'm getting at? MOTIVE.
• You introduce entities without backstories or clues. Who are Lojac and X-52? What is The Trust Fund? Why is there a Strike Force Alpha? It feels like there's a lot going on, but none of it is connected. So, while I find these entities intriguing from a wth IS this ?standpoint, I'm frustrated that it's just never explained in the slightest.

MY ADVICE:

• Develop your contact: Who are they? Why are THEY involved? Why do they need ME to get involved? 
• Develop your threats: Again, who are they, and what's their aim? Your bad guy has this plan that involves Vahz and Crey. Why? What's their connection to both? Did they steal tech/techniques from the two to accomplish their goals? If Crey is behind it, what's THEIR aim? Right now, it sounds like they want to wash their hands of it, and I'm the cleanup crew to a foulup on their end. IS this what happened? If so, would they formally reach out to me to solve it? 

The issues here are all involved with the answers to those questions. I'd suggest simplifying that aspect, if you don't want to deep-dive into dropping complicated bread crumbs and such. To wit:

 

Lojac is looking into this. He's part of some larger organization (Trust Fund, I assume). The Trust Fund is looking into the abductions (why isn't the PPD on it? or are they on it, and working with Trust Fund? do they even know about it?). After looking into the abductions, we discover someone is making use of Vahz-inspried (stolen) chemicals. It's developing Emblamanations. So, let's look into the chemicals.

 

Lo and behold, the chemicals are in possession of the Crey. But, it's not what they contracted for (or thought). The chemicals are (perhaps) turning Crey into Embalmanations (or Crey finds out they do this, so want to destroy the evidence). So, Crey is ancillary to the main plot. The perp used thier tech to create delivery systems, finish the produc, etc., and maybe wanted to release the stuff to eliminate their connection to Crey (maybe).

 

With this info, Trust Fund looks into Crey projects, discovers someone named Kraven. We get some info on who this is/was. Somewhere along the line, we find out something about his mother. Maybe mom was dying, and this whole thing was Kraven trying to cure here, and things took a turn and he went mad when he mutated. So now, it's Let's "cure" everyone, because these mutations make you immortal (albeit sludgified). 

 

We end up in the sewers because Kraven is planning on mass release of his "cure." In essense, we have a low-grade Doc Vahz, who perhaps was in the process of developing his "New Age" by using Kraven as a catspaw. 

 

LOTS of ways to go about this. But you have to figure out what the throughline is, and how all the parts work together. There's an internal logic to your story and the world in which it is set. For example, what's the connection between the Embalmanations and the Sludge? Does the former eventually become the latter? Or did Kraven just create these as bodyguards, using the stolen Vahz theories and science? 

 

If you truly want this to be excellent, you'll have to take the time to address all of it. When you do so, play upon your own strengths as a writer. On that, it's as simple as addressing the basic questions: X wants _______. They want it because __________.  However, _________ is in the way. Once _______ is out of the way, _______ happens. The Hero has to stop ______ from happening (or help _______ happen, depending on the story).

 

Tell the story. Give the player the info. Don't worry about walking the line between hiding the twists and turns. They'll likely figure out where you're going long before you get there. And that's okay. Players like to feel smart. They ARE smart. Smarter than me, most of the time (all the time?). It's okay to reward that. 

 

In the AE world, we're here to experience a cool story, with interesting characters (friendlies and enemies). Have we played your story before, in some other form? Yes. But so f***ing what? Half my own arcs have revenge-driven plots. But each story is different. Like the Hero's Journey template. Same basic structure, but we go back to it because human brings like to create and destroy their own monsters (or sometimes even be the monster). Originality isn't the point. Once you apply your words to any template or premise, it automatically IS original. Because there's only one you, my friend. And we want to hear your story. Take the time to tell it to us. I assure you, we'll be grateful.

 

Please keep at it. You've got some really cool cloth here. Let's get back to the bolt and weave it together.

 

Thanks for your time and effort, and best wishes,

Crane

 

Edited May 26, 2023 by cranebump

[Zhym]

  On 5/26/2023 at 1:43 PM, cranebump said:

Kansas quote=nice. I am now an honorary Winchester.:-)

Expand  

Ooh, what was the Kansas quote?

 

Also, kudos on an amazingly detailed set of feedback.  I am in awe.

[raven9864]

  On 5/26/2023 at 3:02 PM, cranebump said:

Final notes and verdict.

 

Let's start with strengths:

• Mechanically, you know what you're doing. Your objectives are straightforward, and easy to follow.
• Your Customs are excellent. Easy to get your ass handed to you if you aren't on your toes. Use of ambushes was judicious and caused some nice (nasty) surprises.
• Critter text is, by and large, excellent.
• By and large, the maps work with your intent. What mucks that up is having to defeat everything, all the time. In and of themselves, they're good choices (and finale map is excellent, imho).
• There's an interesting premise here, with various entities involved in the overarching plot.
• As @Zhym noted, good bones.

Now, to the work:

  Reveal hidden contents

• The STORY, hombre. The story is disconnected. Your main twist is there. Mother Vschone. Her son is behind everything. Why? I'm not sure. Hell, make that I have no idea. I don't know what the bad guy's motives are at all. I don't know why Crey is involved. Was Kraven a former Crey? Why is he so twisted? Why does Crey get the chemicals, then dump them? DId they develop them, and Kraven results, so it's We've got a Frankenstein's monster, so let's get rid of all this shit, pronto? If so, why aren't THEY after him? Why are they dumping the chemicals, when they wanted to destroy them? See what I'm getting at? MOTIVE.
• You introduce entities without backstories or clues. Who are Lojac and X-52? What is The Trust Fund? Why is there a Strike Force Alpha? It feels like there's a lot going on, but none of it is connected. So, while I find these entities intriguing from a wth IS this ?standpoint, I'm frustrated that it's just never explained in the slightest.

MY ADVICE:

• Develop your contact: Who are they? Why are THEY involved? Why do they need ME to get involved? 
• Develop your threats: Again, who are they, and what's their aim? Your bad guy has this plan that involves Vahz and Crey. Why? What's their connection to both? Did they steal tech/techniques from the two to accomplish their goals? If Crey is behind it, what's THEIR aim? Right now, it sounds like they want to wash their hands of it, and I'm the cleanup crew to a foulup on their end. IS this what happened? If so, would they formally reach out to me to solve it? 

The issues here are all involved with the answers to those questions. I'd suggest simplifying that aspect, if you don't want to deep-dive into dropping complicated bread crumbs and such. To wit:

 

Lojac is looking into this. He's part of some larger organization (Trust Fund, I assume). The Trust Fund is looking into the abductions (why isn't the PPD on it? or are they on it, and working with Trust Fund? do they even know about it?). After looking into the abductions, we discover someone is making use of Vahz-inspried (stolen) chemicals. It's developing Emblamanations. So, let's look into the chemicals.

 

Lo and behold, the chemicals are in possession of the Crey. But, it's not what they contracted for (or thought). The chemicals are (perhaps) turning Crey into Embalmanations (or Crey finds out they do this, so want to destroy the evidence). So, Crey is ancillary to the main plot. The perp used thier tech to create delivery systems, finish the produc, etc., and maybe wanted to release the stuff to eliminate their connection to Crey (maybe).

 

With this info, Trust Fund looks into Crey projects, discovers someone named Kraven. We get some info on who this is/was. Somewhere along the line, we find out something about his mother. Maybe mom was dying, and this whole thing was Kraven trying to cure here, and things took a turn and he went mad when he mutated. So now, it's Let's "cure" everyone, because these mutations make you immortal (albeit sludgified). 

 

We end up in the sewers because Kraven is planning on mass release of his "cure." In essense, we have a low-grade Doc Vahz, who perhaps was in the process of developing his "New Age" by using Kraven as a catspaw. 

 

LOTS of ways to go about this. But you have to figure out what the throughline is, and how all the parts work together. There's an internal logic to your story and the world in which it is set. For example, what's the connection between the Embalmanations and the Sludge? Does the former eventually become the latter? Or did Kraven just create these as bodyguards, using the stolen Vahz theories and science? 

 

If you truly want this to be excellent, you'll have to take the time to address all of it. When you do so, play upon your own strengths as a writer. On that, it's as simple as addressing the basic questions: X wants _______. They want it because __________.  However, _________ is in the way. Once _______ is out of the way, _______ happens. The Hero has to stop ______ from happening (or help _______ happen, depending on the story).

 

Tell the story. Give the player the info. Don't worry about walking the line between hiding the twists and turns. They'll likely figure out where you're going long before you get there. And that's okay. Players like to feel smart. They ARE smart. Smarter than me, most of the time (all the time?). It's okay to reward that. 

 

In the AE world, we're here to experience a cool story, with interesting characters (friendlies and enemies). Have we played your story before, in some other form? Yes. But so f***ing what? Half my own arcs have revenge-driven plots. But each story is different. Like the Hero's Journey template. Same basic structure, but we go back to it because human brings like to create and destroy their own monsters (or sometimes even be the monster). Originality isn't the point. Once you apply your words to any template or premise, it automatically IS original. Because there's only one you, my friend. And we want to hear your story. Take the time to tell it to us. I assure you, we'll be grateful.

 

Please keep at it. You've got some really cool cloth here. Let's get back to the bolt and weave it together.

 

Thanks for your time and effort, and best wishes,

Crane

 

Expand  

 

@cranebump & @Zhym...

 

Thank both of you SO much for all the detailed feedback and support. I will definitely be retooling and revisiting the areas you detailed.

 

Part of my problem I think, is I wrote all this in basically one take without stopping to consider other drafts. I got excited with a new toy, and took of full bore before I was in the saddle. I will tug on the reins before I hit publish and move on in the future. Also, for a first ever attempt, I think I should have stuck to making one really good mission and wrote other chapters AFTER great feedback such as this. I'll pay that mind in missions to come.

 

Again...thank you both for the help. That was a lot of feedback made available for a newbie mission designer and that generosity is not lost on me.

 

I'll make a comment here when changes are made.

[Darmian]

I've not played it yet, but if @cranebump and @Zhym think you've got a good thing here then I will get onto it.  Always happy to have more AE story writers around!

 

I've avoided spoilering stuff for myself!

[raven9864]

  On 5/26/2023 at 5:59 PM, Darmian said:

I've not played it yet, but if @cranebump and @Zhym think you've got a good thing here then I will get onto it.  Always happy to have more AE story writers around!

 

I've avoided spoilering stuff for myself!

Expand  

 

Thank you very much, and I look forward to your feedback.

[raven9864]

I've taken all the suggestions here and printed them off, highlighting areas of opportunity, and condensing the material into actionable prompts.

 

I'll be implementing changes in the week or so to come, and I am grateful for the time put into coaching me on this.

 

Hopefully I will have a more refined product up sometime this weekend or the next.

 

Thank everyone again who took a look at my creation.

 

~Paws

[cranebump]

  On 5/26/2023 at 4:43 PM, Zhym said:

Ooh, what was the Kansas quote?

 

Also, kudos on an amazingly detailed set of feedback.  I am in awe.

Expand  

Carry On My Wayward son.:-)

 

The compulsion to feedback is often too strong in this one. Which is why I often sigh to myself when I agree to run something and provide it.:-) 

Edited May 31, 2023 by cranebump

[raven9864]

  On 5/31/2023 at 8:07 PM, cranebump said:

Carry On My Wayward son.:-)

 

The compulsion to feedback is often too strong in this one. Which is why I often sigh to myself when I agree to run something and provide it.:-) 

Expand  

 

Mission one is revamped and published. Moving towards mission two tomorrow.