tutorial An Overly Long Post Talking About In Character Relationships (TM)

[McSpazz]

HEY! IT'S ME! SPAZZY!

Yeah, yeah, it's been a while, but I was thinking about it and I realized that of my tutorials, this was probably one of the most major gaps I have in my posts that roleplayers regularly encounter. In character relationships can come in many forms. From business to friendship to down right lovers. It might initially seem odd that I am dedicating an entire post to breaking this down, but there are some points here that need to be addressed that many don't consider.

1. Okay, but really, why this section?

Relationships are hard. Period. No matter how intimate, human beings tend to be very complicated creatures that are not easy to predict. The same, for better or worse, applies to the characters we write. While a lot around this subject goes back into consent and communicating with others, I'm going to get more specific here. In character relationships can complicate things in many ways and, even if things are reiterated, it's important we cover everything.

2. THIS IS FICTIONAL!!!
I have brought this up in other posts, but I REALLY need to lean into this here because it is an unfortunate reoccurring problem as far as in character relationships go. Just because two characters are very intimate with one another, that doesn't mean the player behind the character is into you. While this is definitely obvious to those of you who identify as men, the women who are reading this without a doubt have encountered at least one person who took an in character relationship and translated that into real life affection. I am positive that this has gone in many different ways (let us not presume that cis men are the only creepers in the universe), but the emphasis is going here because, unfortunately, it is often the source of the issue.

This goes beyond romantic interest, of course. In fact, it even goes the other way around. Just because two characters hate one another, that doesn't mean the player has a problem with you. If anything, entering a situation with that in mind can create just such an outcome.

Keep in mind, I am not speaking on player to player relationships here. I know people who started their relationships based off of in character partnerships. Sometimes that is indeed a thing that can happen. However, the in character and out of character bonds forged are, indeed, quite separate. If you start developing feelings for a player of another character, it is extremely important that you ask yourself how much interaction you've had with this person outside of roleplay itself. Developing feelings for a player based on your interactions with their characters is as likely to fail as developing feelings for an actor based on their performance of their character in a play.
 

3. The World Continues to Exist

Just because your character isn't going on regular outings or dates with another doesn't mean it isn't happening. One of the worst traps someone can fall into is presuming that because something never occurred on screen, it must have never occurred at all. This is, oddly enough, especially common when considering the relationship between two characters. This applies just as much to a situation where one person is rarely ever online as it does to one where someone is on other characters.

Characters most definitely interact off camera and in ways that neither players consider. I know this can be a little odd to consider, but remember that the vast majority of scenes written by roleplayers are ones that are interesting. There are aspects of existence with a platonic or romantic partner that just cannot be translated in a way that's entertaining. We mainly play out scenes that are interesting to ourselves as players. It's unlikely you're going to play out a movie night where both players are actively watching the movie alongside the characters and roleplaying out their reactions down to simple cuddling because...

Well. It's not as interesting as the movie. From our perspective at least.

Much of the interaction people have with one another tends to be incidental. Not every conversation is a "scene" and not every romantic gesture is going to be written in stone. This even applies to friendships.

I have seen situations where someone has taken a break from a game, come back, and everyone reacts to their characters as if they just went completely MIA. This is often despite the fact that the player has been available via something like Discord if something like that was relevant. While this is less of an issue for friendships, I have definitely seen situations where someone took a hiatus and their character's significant other's player just decided that meant the other's characters had dropped off the face of the earth and acted accordingly. Just, you know, without looking into it first.

We cannot exist to perpetuate our characters lives as if they were our own. This applies in every way you can imagine. If an absence becomes an issue, the players need to discuss it. While exceptions can be made for situations where a player legitimately just stops logging on and can't be contacted, you shouldn't just write in things that don't exist because of your own perception of what is happening within the story. If you have an issue with how often that character is available for roleplay, that's an OOC issue. Not an IC issue to be played out as if they were actually just vanishing from the face of the earth whenever their god puppet master has to go work a 9 to 5.

If a player has truly just gone completely MIA, is not responding to any messages, has removed themselves from spaces you share, and is just overall unavailable? Then you can start considering finding an escape plan without their input. Common courtesy cuts both ways.

4. Take Your Time
Here's an interesting fact: it has been scientifically proven that relationships forged exclusively over the internet tend to move faster than a person would usually progress a relationship. It has been far less scientifically proven that in character relationships, regardless of what stripes it might take, often move the same way.  I can definitely speak from experience on both points and while I'm not your real dad, I will still step in and say that you shouldn't JUST go on vibes as far as how fast an in character relationship is going.

While real relationships can also start too fast, this is all fictional and it's pretty rare for the players to make things go too quickly intentionally. I'm not going to give a specific period of time you should aim for, but you should go slow enough to ensure mutually as players that the chemistry that exists isn't actually as shallow as a Sherlock Holmes/Dr. Who slashfic. Worst case scenario, the characters will have more points in their mutual history you can build off of.

5. Don't JUST End it

Of all of the points I've brought up as far as in character relationships go, this is probably the one thing I hope everyone walks away integrating into your roleplay going forward. As much as I have mentioned communication in previous installments, it's always extremely tragic to see people fail to just talk when it comes to ending things.

We can get very invested in our characters and the relationships they forge. While one of your characters suddenly losing a friend or partner is nowhere near as bad as it actually happening to you, it can still really mess someone up. If you don't think an IC relationship, romantic or otherwise, is working out? You should talk to the other player about it. If both players are onboard, or at least understand what's happening, it's far easier for all parties to write around it without some aspect of it turning into an absolute cluster.

The most common scenario where this occurs is when one player takes an extended leave of absence from the game. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've seen people take a break and come back to discover that their character's boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with them off camera and are now dating someone else. We are in the digital age, people. Use your words.

While this section talks about "endings", this same logic also applies to situations that effectively or literally kill off a character. If you are removing a character from play, especially by violent means, you should communicate with any players who's characters are very intimately involved with your own. Yes, it is entirely possible to do this without giving away all of the major spoilers.

6. Conclusion

In short: COMMUNICATE! I'm going to add more sections as I think of them more than likely, but, in a bit of irony, the best way of maintaining healthy in character relationships is by maintaining healthy out of character communication. If there are any elements of in character relationships you think I should touch on, comment about it below and I'll add yet another hunk of text to this.

This is part of a series of tutorials regarding roleplay! You can find the full list of tutorials here!

Edited October 15, 2023 by McSpazz
Fixed a lingering sentence in section 3.

[chase]

An Overly-Delayed Post to an Overly-Long Post:

 

Quote

The World Continues to Exist

 

I cannot stress this part enough- take advantage of that off-screen time.   Heck, before you log out, coordinate a few lines covering where things may go or what might occur.  if you know you won't be online together for a while, that gives your counterpart talking points on what may be occurring off-screen during that time...  something so they can answer the social, "I haven't seen X lately how is he?" or answering "we've gone out every night this week, but never made it through even a dinner and drink before... y'know... the freakshow's been damn busy."   

 

Communication is key here.  Don't put your partner in a position where they're struggling with what they can or can't say about what's going on in their characters' lives, and don't put yourself in a position where you're adapting to more than you bargained for.    I, for one, usually LOVE improvising to hooks that other people bring, but everyone has limits, and (I'll repeat for emphasis) COMMUNICATION, SET LIMITS, AND RESPECT THE TRUST PEOPLE PUT IN YOU.   

Perhaps an illustration will help:  imagine the following scenario, and determine where your comfort level might be break:

Artificer and Battle Jester had an intimate RP interlude just before both of them needed to take a few weeks off from the game.   Neither had many concrete plans for the relationship and just agreed that they'd RP the relationship proceed naturally during the offline time.  Artificer, being newer to relationship RP, thought that would mean more dates, a few more implied nookie moments, maybe a pet name.  He didn't see reason to be more elaborate.   Battle Jester's player , as the name might imply, is chaos incarnate with the subtlety of a rocket-enhanced sledge hammer (her weapon of choice).  Her idea of natural progression might be a bit... different.

When Artificer logs in,  Battle Jester's  chatting away with Sea Siren, the biggest gossip in Pocket D.

SS:  "Artificer!  It's been ages, man.   Come on over and let me buy you both a drink!  -- something for the jet lag, maybe?   BJ here just told me you both just got back from Paris."

Artificer: ::looks a bit out of his element, but smiles warmly at BJ and heads over to the duo. "Yeah, well,  we were already there for the whole battle with the Revenants- you probably saw that on the news.

BJ: ::wraps her arms around Artificer's like a boa constrictor and pulls him into the booth beside her, practically on top of her. "and since it's known as the City of Love, we decided to stick around and let things happen.
Artificer: :: 's cheeks redden as he lets himself be drawn tight against Battle Jester, tensing, then slowly relaxing at the still-new feel of her body pressed against his own.   "Um, yeah... you know- see the Louvre, dine along the Seine... the eiffel tower..."

SS: :: "Oh? She said you didn't go out much."

BJ:  : "Isn't he so adorable, trying to protect my modesty like that?  No... like he said, we went there for battle, so we didn't really pack civilian things-- and it's the city of love, not the city of lookin at stuff painted by dead guys.. so we just got ourselves a BnB above this little restaurant that delivered.  No TV, no internet, no supergroup.  Just... us... for two whole weeks... and  I didn't put my supersuit ON even ONCE." ::she now seems thoroughly entwined around her lover, playfully nipping at his ear before working down his cheek toward his lips.   "It was everything I could have imagined."
SS: ::giggles gleefully as two fresh drinks are delivered to the table.  "You'll have to give me all the details.... later."
Artificer: :seems a bit stunned even as he returns BJ's kiss.  Between moments of liplock, he mumbles out, "I thought you wanted to keep us quiet..."
SS: ::leans back in her chair, practically beaming at the two lovebirds.   She quickly snaps a pic of the two in liplock to go along with the post she was preparing.   "And the RING- she tried to hide it from me but I got her to drop the full story just before you got here.   Such a PERFECT proposal.   I'll be right back- I want to get a full-body pic too- such an adorable couple."
BJ: ::takes advantage of her friend's departure to whisper in her lover's ear, "I didn't tell her everything yet.   I wanted you to know first.   Remember how, since the trip was so spontaneous... neither of us had birth control?..."

Artificer: goes line dead.

 

So, as I've said before- use offline time wisely, but COMMUNICATION, SET LIMITS, AND RESPECT THE TRUST PEOPLE PUT IN YOU.   

... and for all that is good in the world, don't tell a secret to Sea Siren.

 

 

[Crystal Dragon]

One of the biggest issues I've run into with RP relationships has been the time difference for some players I've interacted with, and more often than not, RL schedule conflicts. The thing that @chase stated is very much a thing that folks need to remember. Even I fail in this from time to time. Communication is top priority, limits/boundaries and having trust in the player you are involving is really important but you need to be able to place trust in them as well in return. While the relationship may be fictional, the exchange of trust is something that's still very valid.

[Greycat]

On 9/12/2023 at 6:22 PM, McSpazz said:

It's unlikely you're going to play out a movie night where both players are actively watching the movie alongside the characters and roleplaying out their reactions down to simple cuddling because...

Well. It's not as interesting as the movie. From our perspective at least.

 

Oh, do movie nights. Especially if someone hasn't seen the movie IRL (or is really good at not "remembering" for their character.) They don't *sound* interesting, but reactions and "I'm totally doing that" and having movie bits bleed into character mannerisms after watching can be ssurprisingly fun. Or funny. (One of the "touchstones" for one pair of characters I run with a friend - platonic - is DBZA (from Team Four Star.) Just from this being a *thing.*)

 

Also...

 

Yeah, I'd say if you start feeling something for another player... step back and talk to them OOC. Remind yourself who the *player* is. Way back on live, I had a (female) main. First character I seriously RP'd with. Player: male. Had someone else I RP'd with constantly. Player: male. Character: It's Complicated. Co-led an SG. Mind you, I'd mentioned my wife a few times (and same-sex marriages weren't a thing anywhere at that point.) Found ourselves sitting on one of the southern Peregrine islands and he hits me with a comment about never thinking they'd be sitting watching a sunset in a video game - or want to so much. I don't think he was expecting the "Er... what? Wait..." He'd *forgotten* who was behind the character because of how I'd RP'd her. Went to one of the other officers - also an in game friend - and metioned it, and *his* reaction was "I was wondering when you two would get together finally." And he meant OOC. I had to remind *him* who was behind the screen too!

 

Fortunately we were all good and laughed it off, but it was *extremely* awkward for me right then.

 

The other side of things? Maybe keep an eye on how it effects other people *irl* around you. Had another friend - went to her wedding, actually - whose husband cheated on her. They got divorced, but (granted, I think this was mostly an excuse, not a cause - he was getting fairly horrible) among other things he basically said she "cheated" too, because... her characters had in-game relationships and "it was the same thing." Aside from the divorce itself, she left COH permanently (which she'd been enjoying, both as a game and a place to just talk to a group of friends) because that's what it got associated with for her. (He would probably have found some other excuse if it weren't for COH, in truth, but still.)

[Latex]

This is a good one, throughout my time and experience Roleplaying I can say with almost certainty that almost every source of 'Roleplaying Drama' stems from IC Relationships. I've seen this thing go nuclear more times than I care to count.

The absolute most important thing about IC relationships is to make sure there's no bleed and if there is bleed (IC/OOC boundary-blurring) make sure you are both cool with it. I tend to avoid this entire thing unless I know the player well enough OOC and know they're chill, because an awful lot of the time some people treat an IC relationship as something more than what it is, that's when wires cross and it gets messy.

[Grey-Ghost]

This is a big area where communication is vital. A simple discussion of "Where are our characters at in the relationship?" can go a long way. But remember it's your characters not your players. Have the characters moved toward physical intimacy or not. I'm not saying that you should necessarily get involved in ERP (and in most cases I'd say you shouldn't unless that's really all you're looking for) but it is nice that you establish as players where your relationship is at and then you know what's going on off-camera.

 

Next, is your relationship progressing? Is there going to be a wedding? If so, do you want to RP that out. If you get married, will you have children? If you have children will you speed run through the pregnancy and speed-age the kids somehow, or will the person carrying the child take some time off that character to have a baby? 

These questions are important and should be discussed if you are looking into having your character in that type of relationship.  I have two characters who are married, and both are happy in their separate ways, and the relationship/marriages are very different but both extremely rewarding.

 

Also, just because your characters are in a relationship doesn't mean you/they will always be around. You both may have other characters you want to run which may take time as well.

 

Additionally, and I think this is important. I'm married in RL and although my wife is in game, she doesn't really get into roleplaying, nevertheless, I do make sure that she is also ok with any relationships I have in-game so that she is reassured that they are only in-game. She actually does like to hear the stories about the romances, she just doesn't want to participate.

Edited January 9 by Grey-Ghost

[jkwak]

On 9/13/2023 at 1:22 AM, McSpazz said:

3. The World Continues to Exist

Just because your character isn't going on regular outings or dates with another doesn't mean it isn't happening. One of the worst traps someone can fall into is presuming that because something never occurred on screen, it must have never occurred at all. This is, oddly enough, especially common when considering the relationship between two characters. This applies just as much to a situation where one person is rarely ever online as it does to one where someone is on other characters.

Characters most definitely interact off camera and in ways that neither players consider. I know this can be a little odd to consider, but remember that the vast majority of scenes written by roleplayers are ones that are interesting. There are aspects of existence with a platonic or romantic partner that just cannot be translated in a way that's entertaining. We mainly play out scenes that are interesting to ourselves as players. It's unlikely you're going to play out a movie night where both players are actively watching the movie alongside the characters and roleplaying out their reactions down to simple cuddling because...

Well. It's not as interesting as the movie. From our perspective at least.

Much of the interaction people have with one another tends to be incidental. Not every conversation is a "scene" and not every romantic gesture is going to be written in stone. This even applies to friendships.

I have seen situations where someone has taken a break from a game, come back, and everyone reacts to their characters as if they just went completely MIA. This is often despite the fact that the player has been available via something like Discord if something like that was relevant. While this is less of an issue for friendships, I have definitely seen situations where someone took a hiatus and their character's significant other's player just decided that meant the other's characters had dropped off the face of the earth and acted accordingly. Just, you know, without looking into it first.

We cannot exist to perpetuate our characters lives as if they were our own. This applies in every way you can imagine. If an absence becomes an issue, the players need to discuss it. While exceptions can be made for situations where a player legitimately just stops logging on and can't be contacted, you shouldn't just write in things that don't exist because of your own perception of what is happening within the story. If you have an issue with how often that character is available for roleplay, that's an OOC issue. Not an IC issue to be played out as if they were actually just vanishing from the face of the earth whenever their god puppet master has to go work a 9 to 5.

If a player has truly just gone completely MIA, is not responding to any messages, has removed themselves from spaces you share, and is just overall unavailable? Then you can start considering finding an escape plan without their input. Common courtesy cuts both ways.

 

This might be a crucial difference to the now very common RP servers using multilayer mods for various games, mostly known would be GTA RP and RDR2 RP servers, there nothing happens offscreen with you character, the character would just sit on there ass at home waiting for you to log in and everything happening on screen is canon, no OOC and no retcon, if you don't log in for a month your character was gone for a month there....

Uuhm where am i going with this you wonder?

With those types of RP servers being way more common nowadays than RP in MMORPGs like CoH some people might have a hard time to adjust to this style of RP, suddenly you don't have to log in to the same character every day to justify that the character is still around, that you can RP over discord, or that the characters have still a live when you don't play them.

 

When you encounter such RPers be to harsh on them for "RPing" wrong because they are used to another form of RP in online games.

[Crystal Dragon]

When it comes down to player absences, I tend to background the characters, or put them to work with something else to keep them from just getting rusty as a character personality. I find it really helps with making that absence a little easier to manage for the characters and gives my partner players a chance to figure out a story for their characters reason for the absence as well. I tend to play a lot of different character personalities so each one of them have a different day-job, role, and behavior in regards to how they manage the absence of their partners but it seems to work out quite well. Sometimes we find time to RP on discord, but I don't push it because I know schedules can be packed during holidays and seasonal sales for the folks that are in retail for their offline jobs.