Dacy

Those are amazing! Nice job!! -Dacy

Very awesome, @Flashtoo!

No, for an overreaction, scroll up...You barely showed the reaction I am pretty sure you had, but it was enough for me to understand how you were feeling, because been there, felt that. 🤗 And some days, it's just hard to hear anything but, WOW, that was AWESOME. 🙂 Which it was, and I should have made that more clear. 🙂 Also, be clear, YOU are putting in an awesome amount of effort, and I congratulate you on how much work you are putting into your writing. It shows. 🙂 -Dacy

It was good!! Just the one thing wasn’t clear, and the other stuff is just a matter of perhaps giving just a couple more details. Take or leave the suggestions, they are just my opinion. 😊 I don’t want you to feel down on yourself or your work, just wanted to give you an outside perspective. Lots of times I need to write and then put it away and come back to it so I can see it with “fresh eyes”, because it’s only then that I can see what’s missing. It’s easy to skip over little details that help the reader see the whole picture because as an author, I already know what’s going on; review like that helps me make sure I’ve given enough so that the reader knows, too. So it’s merely an outside perspective on a few small things, fwiw. I’m excited to see where you will go with this, and I think it’s wonderful you are letting us in on your writing as you go. I understand the feeling of having something you worked hard on criticized, and I won’t give feedback like this if you’d rather not get it. Really, this was a matter of a small bit of polish on an otherwise sparkling piece. 😊 -Dacy

Glad to see you moving ahead with speed! A couple of small notes (stop reading here if you don’t want notes!) it took me a couple of readthroughs to understand which girl had said, “right”. The next sentence makes it pretty clear that Annabel did not say it, but personally I would love to see some identifying information with that statement as to who is saying it and perhaps in what manner they said it. Usually, when one character is speaking, I always give some indicator if the speaker changes. If two characters have a conversation going back-and-forth, I will only do that once or twice, and then let the alternating sentences give the indication. A couple things needed clarity for me: why would Ms. Pal have sent Marilyn away at the same time she sent Annabel? That didn’t make sense. The other thing was, I wondered how it was that Annabel already knew what the wellness center was, and that it had lemon water. Clearly, this was an orientation, and that would be for new students. If Annabel is new, how does she know her way around, and if she is not new, why is she at the orientation? Last small thought: The bit with the breathy voice, since it was talking about the sun burning, it seemed like that should be Annabel, but you didn’t specify. I would personally like to see it either noted that Annabel said that, or some indicator that maybe the voice couldn’t be tracked or it was somewhere nearby or something to indicate that it wasn’t a student. Also, I would love to see more reaction from Marilyn. She got tickled and no one was there. She heard a voice. Did her reactions to these things cause her to catch the attention of Ms. Pal? How she reacts to these things will tell me a lot about her personality. Also, I am assuming that these things are important, but without reactions, it’s kind of left hanging. Sort of like, “oh, well, that happened! But the important thing is, there’s lemon water at the wellness center!“ If the idea was to mention these things in passing because you don’t want to focus on them right now but you want to introduce the idea, help that along by maybe having Marilyn just shrug it off, or maybe it chills her, or maybe she decided she’s going to ignore it. Whatever she does, I’m sure there’s a reason for it, and that tells me something, too. The more reactions and mannerisms we can see in your characters, the more we will be able to get to know them, and the more real they become. 😊 -Dacy

Really like what CR said. Have fun 🙂 -Dacy

Good thinking, except, he says he sees the yellow box. That won't show up if there's an arcane/tech mismatch. -Dacy

However, there is a way to simulate a starfield...but it’s a lot of work. -Dacy

Nice fishtank! I like that a lot. 🙂 Hrm, not sure if I have what you'd need (google operating rooms to see some inspiration), but here are a couple I've done; none were surgical suites per se, but of course, for the one in the spaceship, it's set up like Star Trek might be, no traditional surgery. Then, this, a clinic type set up: With exam rooms I hope that helps! 🙂 -Dacy

Nice way to work, QB! Apply fingers to keyboard and get SOMETHING down. This thing I've noticed isn't really a writing tip per se, but you can apply it to writing when trying to make sure your writing is holding the reader's attention, I guess. 🙂 So, simply put, what I've noticed is that there's a formula for action denouement, which is, protagonist faces impossible odds, protagonist fights, sometimes even scoring some good points initially, but seemingly always, it will seem as though the protagonist has been defeated before somehow finding a way to win. The best books I've read, I never see this coming as to how, and it's never exactly what I expected, but it's still completely logical. You can't just go, scene missing, "Oh, that was a narrow escape!" or "poof" some heretofore never before introduced character or power comes in and saves the day. Think of pretty much every action movie you've ever seen. The victory scored is all the more sweet when it looked like it wasn't going to happen. And then you get some writers, like Joss Whedon, who will throw in a major character's demise, just to be unpredictable. (And then you get authors like George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones, where they take THAT to extremes.) As for a writing tip I -do- use, it would be logic. Things have to follow logically within the context of the rules of the world in which I'm writing. I ask myself "why?" a lot. Why is this character doing this? Where did this important plot device come from, what happens if x happens? Does that make sense? Why? It's sort of like formal writing: you have your thesis sentence, and then your supporting facts, and then your conclusion because of the supporting details, but it has to follow logically. Pet peeve of mine is when I'm watching a show (it usually doesn't happen in the books I read, but I'm sure it happens in some books!) and I see something and I'm like, wait a minute, how did THAT happen?? That's completely out of left field. Or when I know for a fact that they took a convenient shortcut in what's possible for a person, profession, or physical reality. So when you discard convenient shortcuts and plot devices, well, then you've really got to THINK about how you can get from A to B or maybe Z in a way that is credible for your character. And maybe let the character chime in with its unique personality and perspective; the logical path may not be the one you see, for that character, it might go about things in a different way. That's why it's so important to make your characters real to you. I had a bit of help in this department; all of the major characters in my story -were- real, creations of other people who had their own perspective on how that character would act, and I had to respect that. This was particularly true with Trick. There were times I had to rewrite a scene because, nope, that's not how Trick would have responded. But it kept it more real, I think, and altho I know it did make the writing more difficult for me, it also gave it more depth. And, that's life, really; you run into people who don't always do things the way you'd like, and you adapt or avoid and move on. I knew an author, Holly Lisle, before she was an author and during the process of her becoming an author, and I will always remember a story she told. There was a scene in which a character was going to die. This character was the child of her main character, and honestly, it was easier for the author and the plot if she was out of the way. But, she said, the character had other ideas. During a session of figuring out the scene where the child dies (eaten by sort of a tree), the child suddenly turned and said, "Bad tree!" and fought back with more magical ability than the author had intended for her to have, originally. In one move, the world changed, and suddenly, new possibilities opened up on the horizon, so they went with it. Instead of dying, the child became a major character, and the mother had one more thing to deal with. Now, I said, it's not cool to have an unintroduced power suddenly show up and save the day, but the child was the product of two wizards, so it made sense that she could suddenly, in a stressful situation, manifest these powers. I thought it was funny to hear of a character doing that, but I've since had it happen to me; I'm running the scene in my mind, and suddenly, my character does something different than what I'd been thinking before, and new plot directions fall into place. It's fun. 🙂 So, let the characters speak to you, and investigate different paths; they may be the paths that take you to the best places. Well, that was longer than I intended..story of my life. 🙂 -Dacy

Thanks, @DJ1! That was exactly what I was going for. Can I discuss a common, seemingly nearly universal plot mechanic for action/adventure stories/movies, in general, without needing to use the spoilers? I ask because I more or less used that when writing the ending. It's a principle, not an actual plot point. -Dacy

Ctrl/z won’t work on a storage item, just so you know. -Dacy

Yes, there is a limit on how many beacons a teleporter can use, it’s 10. That’s clearly stated in the auxiliary section of the object description. @SolarCenturion, the beacons normally attach to the wall. Are you trying to attach them to the wall, or have you tried changing the attachment type of the beacon? This would be my first guess as to what the problem is. -Dacy

Yep. This has happened to many people. It was happening in one of my bases consistently until I finally got the portal moved to where it was happier. In this case, it was also in the middle of the room, I simply raised the portal just a bit above the floor. I had tried rotating it, lifting it just a little bit, and a variety of other things before finally just putting it a bit off the floor. I don’t know for sure what’s happening, but it often relates to the portal intersecting with other objects like the floor or nearby things. It doesn’t have to be very much of an interaction for it to be temperamental. Sometimes rotating it to a new position helps for a while or solves it, sometimes you have to lift it so it’s free of anything on the floor, like I did. It’s certainly a bug that I wish they would fix. -Dacy

*claps* Very cool, starting to get the feel for both of these characters, and the story they may share. I like how you’ve been able to incorporate descriptions as part of the story, not something separate, such as: Marilyn is an ordinary looking blonde girl, about as wholesome looking as they come. You put it where it is naturally, as part of her roommate’s reaction to her. Of course, this reads much better than a sentence just for description that doesn’t advance the story at the same time. Nice job 😊. And Marilyn’s problem is intriguing, not sure I’ve encountered another character with that sort of problem. Points for originality! -Dacy

Well, I hope you get them to work! I can't even imagine trying to edit a base now, without the controls. *shudder* -Dacy

Well, thank you any and all who've read it. 🙂 I appreciate it greatly. Yeah, brain blip on the credit thing. Dunno where my brain was, when I find it, I'll give it what-for. -Dacy

@KingofMonkeys, I may make a toon on Torchbearer just to come see that base! Looks awesome. @humanowl, your base is Freakolicious. You've captured the essence of all that is Freakshow. Such an amazing conglomeration of talent here!! Great work! I'm in awe. -Dacy

*blush*, um, yeah, @RialVestro, those computer towers, that'd be me...I meant to mention it to you. I had to add a doorway to the room I put to be able to place things for the waterfall, and so I had to disguise the opening. Glad you like it..I was going to try and delete it and see if the editor would leave the stuff anyway (sometimes it will), but it was late and I forgot. So good, I don't have to delete it. 🙂 -Dacy

Whoops. My apologies, @Midnight Blue Mage, I should have checked on who said that. Memory is unreliable, at least for some of us! 😊 And yeah, I do a lot in bases, so yeah, pulled from the wrong mix. Speaking of memory, mine feels like it’s failing, for I also honestly cannot recall more people referencing having read the story, not that I doubt that CR is accurate. I will have to go back and see. I’m sad I wouldn’t remember. @Christopher Robin, CWCID? I’m sorry, I am unfamiliar with this acronym. -Dacy

Thank you! I hope they help. 😊 -Dacy

Hey, @iynx, really intriguing concept and compelling beginning to your story. @QueenBethari, well, that does flesh out the relationship a bit...now I need to know why Marilyn didn't just take one good look at Annabel and say, "Oh HELL no!" and let her hare off on her own. I was reminded of the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when they ran into a cult of people who idealized vampires and wanted to be them. Well, they did get to meet some...up close...but the most they became was dinner. Personally, I never understood the fascination; from Marilyn's "wholesome" vantage, I see no reason why she'd go anywhere near someone so wrapped up in the occult she wanted to become a vampire, relative or not, unless she's trying to somehow convince her that vampires are blood sucking demons, not something to be emulated. If this is the conflict you are developing your plot around, should be an interesting ride. I liked the artwork! And rewriting isn't a flashback, this could be where the story starts. Rewriting is just part of the process. 🙂 @FireBrandi....wow, just wow, and a bit overwhelming. This from the person who linked a 70 page novelette... Have you thought about making any of this into a cohesive, like, book? One link to rule them all, so to speak. Maybe we a few supporting links for artwork. Anyway, I had a difficult time getting anyone to read mine (I'm up to two known readers, lol), and @BlackBlade made a good suggestion I followed, to post some teasers. I confess, I am more likely to read something if it's cohesive, than if I have to follow a lot of different links to try and keep following the story. That's a lotta writing. Good job writing so much, that takes dedication! 🙂 -Dacy

😄 Thanks, Healix! Thanks Blackblade! Maybe people should post passcodes and servers, in case someone wants to visit. 🙂 @Vanguardstitch, that shot looking up at the rocket and launcher through the ceiling, that is way cool. It wasn't clear, did you do this base? If so, nice job! -Dacy

Well, every character has to have some flaws to be realistic. Obviously, we are not seeing a great side of Annabel right now, at least from the viewpoint expressed. We need to see more of a virtuous side of Annabel. But I not only need to see why Annabel appeals to Marilyn, but why Marilyn appeals Annabel. You can show this in interactions and in thoughts that one person has about the other. My thought right now is that perhaps Marilyn, and being the more cautious and prudent of the two, appeals to Annabel because at some level, Annabel knows she needs more of this. By the same token, perhaps Marilyn lives a little bit vicariously through Annabel’s impulsivity. At this point, I don’t really have enough to like either character; I’m waiting to see if there is perhaps a reason Annabel thinks she should be a hero. For all I know, she should be! We have a natural division for heroes for a reason. Maybe Marilyn is just a wet blanket. Maybe Annabel is the one who puts up with Marilyn, not the other way around. So far, we have a third person centric POV, so we’ve only gotten Marilyn’s side of the story. I don’t know whether I can trust this point of view yet or not. Maybe Marilyn has a skewed point of view. So you could go either way with that. You can make it a third person alternating central point of view, or simply demonstrate the character you wish to show in Annabel, and let us draw our own conclusions about Marilyn’s viewpoint. They could be friends. They could be roommates in a boarding school. They could even be relatives or even sisters. Maybe Maryland and Annabel are the daughters of adults who are friends, and they were just kind of thrown together. There are so many reasons for them to be together, they don’t necessarily have to be friends, even. My first suggestion would be to write a backstory or at least have one firmly in your head for each of your two characters. Give them foundation so you have a better clarity on who they are and how they will act in a given situation. This way, you can develop the whole person, not just a situation two people are in. Hopefully that makes sense to you. One thing that you’ve done here already though, is set up a wonderful potential for growth for both of these characters. Since plot is driven through change and often thru character growth, you have opened up a lot of possibilities. -Dacy

Wow, I’m glad Annabel isn’t my kid!! At some point, I’m hoping to see more of why this relationship exits. They do not seem to be naturally compatible; in fact, I would think that Annabel would drive Marilyn crazy, and possibly vice versa. Keep up the good work!! -Dacy