Inspired by the chat (special thanks to @Luminara,) I wrote this humble effort:
You never know you'll get for tech support:
Good morning, this is Ash, how may I help you today?
I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am.
Have you tried turning it off and back on?
Uh-huh. And you're sure it's plugged in?
Really sure? We'll know if you're lying!
All right, calm down, these are just the questions I'm supposed to ask you.
No, I don't think that at all, but you'd be surprised how often...
OK, I understand. That's fine.
All right, let's try a few things:
I'd like you to get your chainsaw, and let me know when it's nice and warmed up.
Yes, ma'am. Chainsaw.
Are you sure? Did you check the shed?
OK, we can do this the old-fashioned way.
Get your Remington 12-gauge and load that puppy up.
Yes, ma'am, that is indeed a shotgun. Flint, Michigan's finest.
You could try a Winchester, but that line's a bit flakey if you ask me...
Are you sure? Not even a 20-gauge? Did you check under the bed?
Well, ma'am, I don't see how I can help you if you don't have the basic diagnostic tools.
I can schedule a visit from one of our service engineers, but there will be a surcharge if it turns out the system is not at fault. And you'll need to cover gas and ammunition...
I don't know the rates, ma'am, they were in the agreement you clicked through when you...
It is? That's great!
Oh, I'm sure the cat didn't mean to.
Thank you for calling. And a nice day to you, too.